I need help and I am sorry if this offends people don't mean to. Abit of background. I am 30 something guy been with my female fiancé for 7 years. Our relationship has become sexless for last few years and I like to say I been faithful but I been with other girls. My gf now knows and has forgiven me. I regret I did that so much. I am not sure why as my gf is hot and I love her so much but i am not sure what has broken this. I always been attracted to girls and been in Love them. I never found guys attractive physically or romantically but felt curious and did experiment with one random guy before I met my fiancé and did oral on him but stopped because it didn't feel right to me and didn't turn me on. This I thought assured me of my sexuality. During the sexless time I been in watching a lot of porn, I got diagnosed with cancer so been off at home so have had the time to watch every day. Mostly It was lesbian and POV but been watching more and more Passable TS stuff. Any way recently I read an article about revenge porn and was worried a webcam video I did for an ex gf going on the net so I google it which took me to gay porn site. I didn't find my video but when on the site My heart stopped and lost my breath. I found all the solo stuff such a turn on. So much so I spent a day masturbating to it and fantasing experimenting with a guy. Then sundennly I got intense anxiety and fear. My head spun out. It was almost I didn't know who I was anymore and I am living a lie. I am worried that I am gay and my whole life has been a sham. i am question everything in my life. I been anaylysing everything I do, looking at guys I see at work or on the street to see if I find them attactive which I still don't. And my eyes still pic up attractive girls if they walk pasT. Even caught myself staring down a female colleagues top. however now my attraction to girls seems to decreased. I haven't been able to eat probably or focus on work. And feel I have this big secret when I am spending time with my fiancé. I love her so much and don't want to hurt her again I do want to marry her and have children with her. I can't imagine myself romantically involved with guy and again don't find guys facially attractive but the thought of experimenting turns me on. I read up on forums where some of my anxiety symptoms is relating to HOCD from porn addiction which makes sense but doesn't explain why I constantly thinking of experimenting. I stopped watching porn and trying to focus on everyday life but I am so depressed and scared. More that my cancer. I am sorry if this post offends anyone. Not my intention. I am so confused. Can anyone help?
