Ok so Ill start out saying that I am 27 years old and I just wanted to see if this made sense to anyone in regards to be being either HOCD or denial? Ok so all of my life I considered myself as straight. The only thing is I had one same sex experience to my name when I was around 7 years old and I kissed a dude. Around that same time I also already kissed girls. Just a backstory. So anyway, I never questioned myself in terms of my sexuality. As I kid I was always attracted to females, but I def did grow up with really poor self esteem. I used to hang out with a bunch of girls when I was young as well (because i thought that was what was going to get be girls lol), so I picked up on alot of feminine traits (theres a reason i bring this up which ill get to later). I would constantly find myself comparing myself to other dudes because I used to be called ugly on a few occasions. Anway, fast foward to college my success with females got much better and there was never a problem in regards to my sexuality. It was weird though. Over time, if there was a dude i found good looking I would get this sudden spike of anxiety. It wasnt anything enjoyable, it was literally just an uncomrtable spike. On top of that, I remember some people would ask me if I was gay, which I would answer no. The thoughts of being gay scared me and I would have the thoughts back and forth, but for the most part throughout this time I was able to control them. Fast foward to 3 years ago, I had this one sudden thought. It was so weird because it came so drastically, Im not even sure what spiked it. I read up online about HOCD and it gave me relief because I tend to just be an overthinker by nature but never classifed myself having HOCD. Although I felt some relief, for the next 6 months that proceeded I would have anxiety attacks about being gay over and over. It got to the point I suffered major depression and had suicidal thoughts. For a while thoughts sort of died down, and then I had one of my managers at one of my old jobs ask me if I was gay and the thoughts just came rushing back. This has literally been the thought process of my mind the past three years. I would be good for a bit, to the point that when I would have sex with girls during this time frame I would cry tears of joy when gay thoughts werent present. But then i would feel this sense of uneasiness because of the fact that there are people out there that think I am gay, due to factors that at this point I cannot control. I began reading places to just accept the thoughts. That gave me relief, but accepting these thoughts are not making them go away, it would just reset the cycle in my head. It feels terrible because the thoughts circle in my head like crazy. Not pleasurable thoughts either. Its been like this for 3 years now and it cripples me some days. I even tried warming up to the idea that hey I may actually be bi, but to be perfectly honest that is not what I feel I am inside. Im just so confused why I have to go through this. I just want to live my life the way I used to live it. The brief moments I have without these thoughts give me such joy, I just want to be able to live normally again.:bang:
First, please be clear that HOCD as a standalone disorder is not recognized by anyone credible, any more than "locking locks OCD" is recognized. There is only OCD, which is a severe, debilitating mental health diagnosis. What I am hearing is a lot of anxiety. This might or might not be consistent with OCD, and that would be something for a mental health professional to diagnose. One of the best ways to make a more clear determination of your sexual orientation is to explore masturbation fantasies when you are not looking at porn or other external stimuli, and simply using your own fantasies in your mind. Try masturbating while thinking about guys, and then do the same in another session thinking about girls. If girls are more arousing and exciting to you... then there's pretty clear evidence that's where your attractions lie. If fantasies about men arouse you more (even if these fantasies disgust you), then there's at least some attraction to men. If it is an extreme difference (men excite you, women don't at all, or vice versa) then you can draw a pretty clear inference as to where your attractions lie. In any case, it sounds like the anxiety is a significant issue and I'd suggest talking with a therapist to work on that.
I have been diagnosed with OCD, and I have accepted it at this point. I no longer take medication for it, but I have been working on helping the symptoms through other methods. I understand wanting to live your life without reoccuring negative thoughts. It can be very frustrating and most of the time unmanageable. A lot of times just general stress can cause OCD tendencies, but a professional is needed to really diagnose OCD. I use to have ritualistic compulsive tendencies associated with the thought of being gay, but since I have accepted it a lot of those have went away. General stress can cause my OCD to get worse even about a completely different topic not relating to the stressful thing. Maybe try reducing the stressful and negative things in life and try to focus on things that bring out positive emotions. I have found that sports and yard work help relieve some of my stress; Also avoiding the news and social media has helped relieve stress for me. If your bothered a lot by your thoughts you may want to seek out a professional. It can be stressful doing this, but they really do help a lot for some people.
Thank you guys for taking the time to read this. I think anxiety (or possibly OCD) is the main culprit here. I will eventually see a professional to be sure, but as I said in my last post I tend to be an overthinker by nature and that in itself did no favors. the past few days I just let myself go and told myself, you know what I may actually be bi and that is ok. once I said that and just let my feeling flow, I always found myself naturally gravitating towards females. Chip I even did what you said to do (without even looking at that post) and masturbated without forcefully thinking about females, just trying both sides. Again, although I am not repulsed by it, the prospect of being with a male just did not excite me whatsoever. my whole thing now is have that sheer anxiety of people thinking I am gay when I really am not deep inside. that probably wont go away though, it is who i am personality wise.
From what you're describing, it doesn't sound like there's much of any genuine attraction to the same sex. Most likely what you're experiencing is anxiety. here are lots of good strategies for addressing the anxiety and I'd encourage you to think about going into therapy, as this would be something best explored with a therapist.
I have or had the exact same problem!!! I don't know about masterbation though. But can't help yo agree with it though. I tried masterbating to gay porn and honestly I don't like it at all. Though, physical stimulation will cause a reaction almost regardless what you look at. Although when I try to masterbate I usually go flaccid. Unless I force myself to create a reaction only by already being turned on by women and I am already about to orgasm and then switch to gay porn, i am setting myself up for failure as I am already about to orgasm and our bodies are designed to respond to touch. Then I used a vibrator on my penis and that will cause a reaction regardless. Although me personally, if I get any sort of reaction, I can tell a difference, I just simply don't enjoy masterbating to men. It feels weird and unsatisfying. The few to as I forced my self to ejaculate, with a lot of ok hysical stimulation, it felt awful. I just stopped. Why keep doing something that I either go flaccid or I have to force myself into having a reaction when I don't like it anyway. Anyway, just my two cents. Went to professionals and talked to all of these lgbt centers and told me what I told you. I say go to a professional.
