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Questions about my sexual orientation

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Scredi, May 22, 2017.

  1. Scredi

    Regular Member

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    Hello!

    I've always identified as straight. I've been madly in love with girls. Madly, since i was 6 or 7 i've had millions of crushes. My first sexual experiences were with men, and for years I had sex with some of my friends (from 11 to 15), we did all sort of things, but it was always an "exchange" : if you suck my dick for one minute, i'll suck yours. We tried to kiss each other one time but neither of us felt anything. At the time, i felt reeeaaallly bad after having sex with a friend, I think because I tought it wasn't normal.

    I always masturbated thinking about girls or boys and my sexual fantasies were about girls or boys.

    The first times I had sex with a woman I couldn't get a hard on because I was stressed-out and I didn't felt sexual at all. Wereas with my male friends it seemed pretty normal to ask them for a blowjob ahah... And we always talked about how it's so fucking difficult to seduce a girl, and it's so easy to just help each other.

    Now it's been 10 years since the last time I've had sex with a man. I've always found it difficult to seduce girls but i've driven myself crazy by beeing in love and them not beeing in love with me. I think it would be easy to have sex with men because I'm not at all emtionally ot romantically attracted by them so I don't care, it's just for my own pleasure and I'm not scared of their judjment.

    I've had sex with quite a lot of women, sometimes it was reaaallly good, and sometimes I don't even get a hard on. Sometimes I get a hard on but the orgasm isn't too strong.

    From what I remember sex with men was as good as masturbation, without the "spiritual" side of sex with women. I could never even imagine beeing in love with a man, and i never feel sexual around other men. I never find a man attractive, but maybe it's because of the social stigma. On the other hand, when i watch gay, it really turns me on (kissing and stuff included). More than straight or lesbian porn. When I masturbate without watching porn, it is usually because a precise sexual thought makes me want to masturbate and it is usually about women.

    When I'm in love with a woman, at the beginning I feel a TON of pressure because I am afraid she will friendzone me, or that I will not be able to make her cum, so I don't enjoy the sex or even have a hard-on. But when we start to know each other and the pressure goes away, I usually really enjoy the sex.

    When i see a woman that sexually attracts me i get a hard on, and that doesn't happend with men.

    I've always hanged out with homophobic people and my family is a bit too (thought they would accept it with no problem even if it would be a little weird at the beginning). I've only recently started to hang out with more open people, with which i can say that I sucked dicks without being seen as weak lol...

    I would tend to define myself as a heteromantic bisexual.

    But I read everywhere that separating love and sex is bullshit and that it is just the last attempt at staying straight. So am I gay and in denial? My love life with girls is ruining me and i always fall in love with girls that don't fall in love with me. 80% of my life problems come from me beeing in love with girls. Even when they are in love with me the turn out to be crazy. Maybe my straight love life is passionately disastrous because I'm gay and closeted?

    It may seem insulting to you if you are gay, but hell, I don't want to be gay, my life is already complicated enough without having to deal with all the pressure from society and from my own education that would make me feel like shit. I'm scared that i would have to rethink all my life.

    Is it because I'm in denial that I don't feel even the tinyest sparkle of romantic or emotional attraction to men and that holding hands or touching or kissinf feels "gay" and really uncomfortable? I'll try to fall in love with a man ahah but I don't know how to force it...

    Do you think that I am Heteromantic Bisexual? Or Closeted Gay? Or Straight with Gay fetishes? Or Bisexual?

    Thanks for reading :slight_smile: