Gave a brief summary of my situation in my welcome post, might as well get down to it and go for it properly! Im 31, and always basically just assumed Im straight. Im into a lot of traditionally 'guy' things so even when I was a kid, I had a lot of friends who were boys rather than girls, so Ive always been around boys. I can be quite shy though, so I got to high school, I was a very socially awkward teenager, and seemed to be a lot less interested in boys and sex than pretty much everyone else was! Yes, there were boys I really liked, same through college, but being so inexperienced, the majority of my dating life has been a series of awkward rejections, heartbreak and sweating! Im 31, and still that gawky 13 year old at heart, so actually finding a way to deal with that has been enough of a problem in my adult life. So then Ive gone through that period when Ive discovered asexuality, and wondered if that was why I was so awkward about sex. That still might be the answer, but given I still dont tend to try and get with men, or I bottle out of it when I like someone, Im still unsure if the reasons I hide from it are a lack of interest (or asexuality) or its just fear, as obviously now its a lot more pressure on being inexperienced than it was when I was a teenager, as back then at least, everybody was as inexperienced as I was! Ive kissed men, not many but a couple (Im quite old fashioned, Im not the kind of person who will kiss random people I dont know, it has to mean something!) and the most reason was about 5 years ago, but I have never had sex with one. And now on to the last few months. I previously wondered a few years ago if I was gay, and maybe my aversion to get into a relationship with men was my brain's way of telling me Im not into men. But then I dismissed it because I felt as disinterested in getting into something with women as I did with men. And then because Id never actually met a girl who I felt attracted to. But now the more I think about it, its possible I was. Ive just always been able to 'switch off' my attraction to boys I liked if they were in a relationship with someone else, so is it possible that given all the girls I knew were straight, I just switched off to them too as they were never going to be a possibility? Im recently reaching a stage where Im finally over a particular man who I used to go out with and hurt my trust a lot, so have been thinking that Im ready to be open to meeting someone new. I do masturbate, some nights I struggle more than usual so may watch a video or something (We're not talking hardcore porn here, nothing that wouldnt be approved for a 15 at the cinema!) to get started. And one night, even that wasnt really working. So I tried something new and watched one with two girls instead...surprised to find it worked! And Ive found that is more the kind of erm...ammunition Ive been using since! That was a few months ago! So how do I work this out? My biggest dilemma is that shyness and inexperienced. If I had previous good experiences at meeting and dating men, Id be fine, as I could just apply all the same logic! As it is though, I am utterly clueless. Every man Ive had anything with or been attracted to as an adult, they were friends first and I had known them a while so I already had a base with them. The obvious answer would be to go out and meet girls right? But where the hell do I do that? Even without the added layer of meeting girls who arent straight, its something I find really difficult. Doesnt help that Im not a great lover of dating sites. I just feel I wont clear up any confusion until I get out there and do something, either with men or women. Im just at a complete loss where to start.
