I want to be Straight.

Some of us (despite what many people will tell you) do counciously choose or affect our sexuality for personal reasons. If you don't want to be gay/don't want to act on same-sex attraction, Then you aren't gay. You're only as gay as you wish to be.

 

Bam, first off, I am so sorry for the loss of your father. Losing him had to truly suck.

As for your attraction to older men, it does seem odd that this developed only after your father passed away. You said that normally you are attracted to girls and consider yourself to be straight. So I'm not sure if you are gay by any means. Is it possible that maybe you think if you develop a really close, intimate relationship with another man then maybe it'll be like having your dad back? I have no idea if that's what's going on. Just something to think about.

As for hooking up with older men, I cannot say enough how incredibly CAREFUL you should be. There are plenty of predators online who prey on younger, vulnerable individuals. I also am hoping/assuming that you are over 18, right? If not, then having sexual contact with an older guy is essentially considered statutory rape. Even if you are over 18 though, the risk of hooking up with older strangers online is high. Your dad would not want you to take such risks, would he?

I think you need to leave romantic relationships on the periphery for a while while you adequately grieve your father. Take care of YOU. You're worth it, my friend. And if you do grieve for a time, eventually your head will clear and you'll be able to work out what the truth is.

 

Okay, i have a horrible past
and that's strange, only after your father passed? I hate asking this but is it possible your father ever abused you?

 

Honesty, if you are somewhat bisexual, I don't think it could be odd that these feelings may have arisen after his passing. Maybe you felt as though you couldn't express that side of yourself when he was around... also, I wouldn't say it's abnormal to want a teacher or parent-like figure in a relationship... there's many subcultures of kink that specifically involve this. Anyway though... as someone who faced emotional abuse from my father and emotional negligence from my mother, I was assigned female at birth, and I didn't realize until just a few months ago that I am capable of being attracted to women. And why was this? Because I detest many of them. I hate to say it but I have deeply ingrained negative views towards women due to detesting that I always had to support my mother instead of her supporting me, and due to projecting my own gender dysphoria. I am capable of being attracted to some women, but I often feel as you do afterwards, which is there is a let-down and I become emotionally detached. I've had successful emotional relationships with men however, and I look for older men who have sort of a parental prescence as well... but anyway, yes, there are many days where I am disgusted with myself and just wish that I could be a straight girl and be content, sometimes my own attraction makes me angry and disgusted and I wish I didn't have to deal with the confusion. Also, don't think about being attracted to multiple genders as switching between gay and straight... the longer you live in that mindset the longer you're going to hate yourself for not being able to just pick a side and be content with it. Also, it's okay if you find that you can't be emotionally / romantically attached to men but still have a lust for them... that's how I feel about a lot of women, I pretty much can only create emotional attachment to men and nonbinary people. It doesn't make you suddenly gay if you're also still attracted to women... but sometimes throughout our lives our sexuality can become fluid... I have months where I long for sexual experiences with women, and others where I seem to forget about them almost completely. Just don't force yourself into anything you wouldn't be comfortable with, and don't think you're wrong for not knowing yourself entirely for any period of time, you're okay and you'll figure it out in time. Hope you're grieving well, and sorry for your loss as well.

 

I'm sorry, but this advice is just plain terrible and completely false.

OP: I don't know if you are straight, gay, or bisexual, or somewhere on the LGBT spectrum, and the fact is none of us can tell you your orientation for you. We can help you to sort out your feelings and clarify things, but ultimately you can only decide for yourself.

Your desire to jerk off with men would tend to indicate some level of at least bisexuality to me. You indicate a sexual desire for women, so if that's true, then you likely are not gay but perhaps bisexual. It's also possible that you are straight but have a fetish-like desire.

The fact that you don't want to be gay or don't want to act on same-sex attractions has absolutely no relevance on your actual orientation. Many of us deny our attractions to the same sex precisely because we don't want to be gay. "You're only as gay as you wish to be" is completely wrong. You can choose whether or not to act on your homosexual desires, but it will not make them go away simply by wishing it weren't so.

I would suggest to you, OP, that you continue to post with us here, read posts from other users, and take the time with an open mind to explore your attractions and desires. You will likely figure yourself out in time if you are patient, honest, and willing to discuss the truth of your attractions. If you insist on not "wanting to be gay" and hold fast to that belief, then you may find yourself in denial for a long period of time.

Take care. ride:

 

I believe all they were trying to say was that even if you are bisexual, if you heavily lean towards gay or straight, then you could easily choose to just live as either gay or straight publicly. You don't have to be out to anyone or embrace or act upon your bisexuality even if you are. I do agree that it isn't healthy to live in denial... if someone knows they are bisexual but feel shame and self-hatred because of it and therefore choose to identify as gay or straight, then they may encounter self esteem issues later on down the line... however, if someone accepts they are bisexual but it truly just seems stressful to them to try and venture out to another gender in the dating pool (if they're more accustomed to only dating a certain gender for example or primarily have much heavier attraction to only one gender) then that is the individuals choice and they're not obligated to tell everyone they meet that they are bisexual. Unfortunately, this is sort of a sad part of our reality. There are judgemental people in the world who think bisexual people are unreliable because they can just "switch whenever they want" or people who insist that you need to pick a side. You can't blame someone for wanting to give into this some of the time, when it truly does make living easier in some cases, as you lessen your ability to be rejected from normal society, or be doubted in LGBT spaces. Even though I'm attracted to men and women, I really only ever date men. When I'm in LGBT spaces, I have in the past gotten looks or passive comments about not being "gay enough" or had people doubt my identity because of my lack of involvement. But in normal society (or around straight people), I'm often just completely dismissed when talking about my sexuality, from an inability for anyone to relate, and I'm left feeling like there's some part of me that's still left out. I've even known other bisexual girls who just call themselves gay due to their unequal attraction, and will actively avoid talking about men with me even if they are attracted to them, or will doubt other girls' gayness. It's not right, but it happens as a result of the polarizing effects in our culture when LGBT people have to stick together for safety and acceptance, and normal society is so quick to pull away, be dismissive, or mildly grossed out, or even violent.

 

We are all free to live the way we want to live. We can make our own choices in life, whether they are healthy or not, and whether they have positive or negative long-term consequences.

However, here on this help forum, I think it does a disservice to people looking for help to advise them that if they don't want to be gay, then they aren't gay. This stuff is hard. Understanding our attractions and desires is hard in the face of society's condemnation, shame, guilt and fear. Coming out is hard. I don't think it's helpful to people to promote denial and hiding. That's all I was saying.

I do agree with you, Kipper, that people should be free to decide for themselves how "out" they want to be, or in what ways they want to express and explore their sexuality.