Shifting/growing adult sexuality...

Fellow EC'ers

Up to a point in my life, my sexuality had not been too great a concern, because it did not implicitly involved another person or persons. However, in August of 2008, that changed; for the first time in my life, I fell in love. Falling in love typically is something one experiences before reaching adulthood; however, in my case, it didn't happen until I was twenty-nine.

My first love, John (name changed to protect his identity), was a new student at my college and a foreign student from Mexico. We both are from staunchly religious backgrounds; however, I hail from the United States a slightly more tolerant culture than is present in Guadeloupe, Nuevo Leon, Mexico. We both were head over heals in love with each other and had even planned to immigrate to Canada together and get married. However, from the beginning of our relationship, John complained of being afraid --- of having certain fears. He never explained or elaborated on his fears, though I am certain that they were the fears of parental and societal rejection that many differently gendered people experience.

It wasn't until John returned back to school after a trip home in November to take care of his ailing father, who was back in Mexico, that things turned south. They turned south quickly. Someone had confronted him about our relationship. Shocked and terrified that people had figured it out, John rejected me, sending me into the deepest depression of my life. I've struggled for the last year to get over him and to move on with my life.

My relationship with John marks a critical juncture in my sexual development, for it was in my relationship with John that I experienced my homosexuality in a positive light. Before this point, my only encounters with it had been lustful. For the first time, I experienced my homosexuality in terms of a loving relationship.

I've known since my youth that I was attracted to both men and women; my preference for a very long time was towards the masculine, but every once and a while there is a strong spike towards the feminine. While this preference has never been so strong as to create a distaste or disdain for one sex or the other; there are clearly times at which my desires are strongly biased towards one or the other.

For the year since John walked out of my life, I have chosen to more thoroughly explore my homosexuality. I have met a very nice guy and he is a person with whom I could see myself spending a very long time, perhaps even being a lifelong companion. However, I now find myself at a critical juncture; I'd rather not have to choose between one or the other, but in reality it is quite unlikely and impractical to have both. A little back-story on the development of this juncture. I met Amanda (named changed to protect her identity) about three years ago, and from the very moment we met, I could tell there was something different about her. I picked up almost immediately on her attraction to me, and noticed a reciprocated attraction within myself; yet, my state in life (I was a vowed celibate at the time) prohibited me from any action on my part to investigate these feelings. Three years later finds us back together, seemingly almost by fate; however, at this time I have been dispensed from my vow to celibacy.

Whatever the case, I know my feelings for Amanda; I love her very much. And it is for this reason that I wish to proceed with great caution: the lover does not hurt the beloved. I have been completely open with Amanda regarding my sexuality and I aim to be open with her about my sexual wants and desires. Yet, I want a monogamous relationship and I want to be faithful to whatever path I choose. I would not be choosing Amanda because of societal pressures, though they certainly exist, but out of my own freewill.

Has anyone here been through a similar situation or faced a similar decision. Ultimately the path I choose will be based on love for Amanda and for her good. I do not wish to break her heart.

Anecdotes, advice, a kind word, a virtual hug... I'll take them all!


Much love,
Paulo

 

It's been quite a while since I've made a post on EC, but I thought an update somehow called for.

A few days after this thread was started, I received a phone call from John. He told me that he was leaving seminary and that he had told his parents about us. He recounted the growing depression he had been struggling with since leaving me, how it had become unbearable for him, and that he finally chose to follow his heart.

After listening to him poor out his soul to me, I was deeply moved and those feelings that were still burning deep within me were rekindled and brought once again to the surface. Moved though I was by his passionate outpouring, I chose to pursue the relationship with Amanda.

The decision to choose Amanda was probably the stupidest decision I've ever made. That one decision has led me to more suffering than an innocent person should have to endure. That decision put John through almost a year of emotional turmoil just as I had been subjected to in the previous year through his actions.

In September of 2010 I found out how shallow Amanda's love for me was when one of her friend framed me. There was no trust on her part — I was immediately rejected and thrown to the side without a thought that it possibly was not me behind the crimes.

In November 2010, I contacted John. He was ecstatic to hear from me and after an hour long phone conversation it was as if we were never separated. A few weeks later, in December of 2010, the unthinkable happened — I was arrested, falsely accused, I spent 98 days in jail before the prosecution refused to accept the charges against me. When released I immediately called John to tell him what had happened. In those three-plus months he had become seriously ill, vomiting blood and suffering extreme abdominal pain. In May 2011 he was diagnosed with late stage III stomach cancer.

Since coming out to his parents they have refused to support him financial or emotionally. I have paid all his medical expenses even while he continues to live in Mexico. For a while it looked as if he was recovering, but last Monday, 27 February 2012, he once again began vomiting blood. The doctors say that he's no longer responding to treatment and that surgery is the only option. Some of his friends and one of his college professors have come together and raised $45,000 for the procedure which costs approximately $50,000. I'm hopeful that the remainder will be raised soon and he can have the possibly life saving surgery before the month's end.

To those of you who believe, please keep us in your prayers.

Com todo meu carinho,
Paulo

 

The doctors do seem optimistic. Yesterday they started John on a new medication to help boost his immune system. Also he seems to be feeling stronger than last week — he's returned to classes and feels okay apart from some mild pain in his stomach associated with the lesions.

Jim thanks for your support.

 

John has had surgery to remove the mass from his stomach the second Saturday of December. The operation, the doctors are saying, was a success and they believe they have removed all of the cancerous cells. He will have a followup endoscopy in a few months, but, so far, everything is looking great! Thanks to all for your concern and prayers.

Paolo.