Still questioning sexuality after three years

First of all, welcome to EC! (*hug*) This is a very hard thing to be going thru, and you're definitely not alone. Myself, it took me 25 years to finally come to terms with my own self & even now, I'm still trying to come to terms with my sexuality, so I know how hard it is. It's even harder when you live in an unfriendly area, whch I can also relate to. I live in a very homophobic area and when I first came out here on EC & then to a coupe of friends who were super supportive, I asked myself what was next as there are absolutely NO LGBT support services or grops anywhere where I live. Depending on what area of Georgia you are in, I would suggest seeing if you can find an LGBT group in your area & go attend so meetings. It may help & you don't have to necessarily tell anyone you're going either. As for your dad, I can sympathize, I'm terrified of how my dad's going to react when he finally fully realizes what it is I want to do (which is fully transition to my true female gender), so I'm seriously considering moving out right now. Even before I told my mum, it was extremely difficult living with my dad, so it's only going to get worse. I'm not saying you should move out & turn your back on your family, but you should consider every possibility before you decide to say something. And yep, religion complicates everything, both of my parents are die-hard Catholics...

 

I can relate. I spent a long time being confused. Still being confused was why I started identifying as queer (to myself and online anyways). I'm less confused now, but I still don't fit neatly into a category. I feel for anyone that's LGBT and raised in a conservative religious enviroment. It can be really tough. (*hug*) Not sure if this helps any. I'm not as good with advice as others here, but I'm hoping to help encourage people.

 

I don't like this labelling system, but I labelled myself as lesbian here because it was easier and felt like the most right option.

I don't think you can fully know your sexual orientation before you have a chance to be freely what you are. It sucks that you live in a homophobic state. Either the state needs to improve or you need to get out. Talking about this helps, so it's good that you've found EC!

I have experienced something a bit similar. I was out to all my friends before I moved from home to go to uni and suddenly was surrounded by homophobic Christians. This made me to go back in the closet. The homophobic Christians were my new friends so hiding my sexuality seemed like the best thing to do. Now I'm in the process of coming out to them as well. Which is scary, because I am also sort of still questioning. I like girls, I do, but how on earth can I know that I will never fall for a guy?

---------- Post added 1st Aug 2011 at 12:24 PM ----------

Ooh, I forgot this bit! Believe me, I have a full experience of life that feels, looks and sounds like a joke. I know you're not joking, but it's a good sign that you recognise that it all seems like a joke.

Have you seen the film "For The Bible Tells Me So"? I recommend you watch it if you haven't. And maybe if the time will be right you can even show it to your parents. That day probably won't become any time soon, but it's good to prepare for what you're up against and gather things that you can use to explain them what's going on.

I am wrestling with this church stuff as well. The most recent joke in my life is that the only people here I'm not out to are the lesbian couple that I live with. This is because the church we go to found out about their relationship and made them break up. They were never really out though, and I'm not meant to know about this. I'm trying to figure out what I could say to them when/if I come out to them.

 

Hi, and welcome to EC! Just an advance notice on what I'm gonna say below: These are just my guesses. They are based on two paragraphs you wrote, and these guesses are coming from a guy who has never had training in psychology, so I'm not extremely well qualified to tell you "You are this!" Only someone who's been trained in psychology could even HOPE to do that, and even then they can make errors.

First off, I'm really sorry about what you've been going through. Uncertainty comes with being human, but veeeeeery few of us actually enjoy it, especially when it comes to the traditionally taboo topics of gender and sexual confusion. I'd like to let you know that it's ok to be confused about exactly who you are. It's in these confusions that we learn more of ourselves and become more confident in our own skin! That reassurance may not help much at the moment, but hopefully it helps.

Now, I will say I'm not bisexual (although I wouldn't be opposed to being attracted to women as well as men) but from where I'm standing you could easily be bisexual or gay (or something else, should you choose to disavow those labels). One of the common misunderstandings of bisexuality is that it's supposedly an equal attraction to both genders, but that's far too narrow of a definition. Bisexuality covers a lot of ground, from being mildy attracted to the same sex but much more attracted to the opposing sex, to being slightly sexually attracted to the opposite sex and hugely attracted to the same sex. So, if in addition to being attracted romantically (and somewhat sexually) to men, you're also attracted to women, you pretty much fall under the middle ground of being a bisexual.

However, I said I think you could be bi OR gay, and there's a reason for that. First, you grew up in a homophobic area, which could have repressed your sexuality. Second, you have a Southern Baptist Pastor as a Dad, which DEFINITELY could have repressed your sexuality. I'm also not a psychologist or a therapist, so there's a chance (a good one at that) that your sexuality hasn't been repressed at all and that you just don't have much of a sexual desire for the same sex. If I'm right, though, it could mean that the reason you aren't thinking about the sexual portion of a relationship is because your environment did some serious conditioning. So, you could be gay and just not fully be able to accept it because of your environment.

About coming out, that's really up to you. Most of the people I've talked to (aka, people on this forum) have come out first to a friend they know will both keep the secret and be accepting of you being LGBT. From there, there's not a clear majority, but personally I chose to spread from there to other accepting friends and friends who I thought would be accepting but might not have been. Really though, it's probably a good idea to do some soul-searching to come to terms with what your attractions are and what is specific about them. It's rather hard to come out to people with "I'm confused about my sexuality," so I'd recommend only doing that if you want to tell an accepting friend who will walk this path with you.

Finally, on the topic of your father. My father was also a Pastor, although the key differences are that he is no longer in the ministry and he also was a pastor for the Assemblies of God (Pentecostal-leaning Protestant denomination). I know how you feel though. When he was still in the ministry, one of the reasons I struggled to get rid of my sexuality was because I didn't want to hurt his reputation and I had also been taught by him that homosexuality was wrong. It still concerns me today, what his reaction will be when I tell him that I'm gay. Since I have people who will take care of me if he chooses to kick me out or disown me, I'm prepared should the worst happen, but if I wasn't prepared for the worst I wouldn't be coming out to him. I encourage you to do the same. As the time comes when you feel ready to tell your Dad about your sexuality, be prepared for the worst, but hope for the best. Father's can surprise us at times.

And with that, I've exhausted myself of information and advice. I tend to be rather verbose, but if you need to talk about anything, whether it's related to the Christianity/sexuality conflict, the confusion you're feeling, or neither, feel free to post on my wall or in these forums. We're here to help in any way we can. (*hug*)

 

I can't exactly relate to the confusion part. For me, rather than being confused, I was just in denial from about the onset of puberty until now. It's not mine nor anyone else's place to tell you what you're orientation is, but it sounds like there's definitely an emotional attraction to guys that you need to take into consideration. I don't know how old you are, but you don't have to rush to figure things out or put a label to it yet.

I can relate to growing up in a Southern Baptist dominated environment. My parents were very involved in our church for awhile, but fortunately they've taken a new approach toward faith and religion in the past couple of years that has made things easier on me, but it's still not easy at all. I can only imagine what you're going through as a PK. I hardly think you need to be told it has the potential to majorly backfire on you if you tell anyone. As hard as it might be, it might be best to wait until you're out on your own to test the waters or tell anyone.

Not to mention your own conflict with your faith. (If that's something you're concerned about. I kinda just assumed.) This has been a difficult thing for me, and I haven't made it a secret on here. We're all here for each other, though. And don't hesitate to post on my wall. If you're struggling with that aspect, I suggest reading this page: What the Bible Says - And Doesn't Say - About Homosexuality