Really confused about my sexuality

Hi there!

I'd say that you are attracted to girls (because you think they're cute and like the idea of having a relationship with another girl - I doubt a straight female would even consider this or think about it for as long as two years). And maybe you like guys too.

I think it's perfectly normal that you don't find strangers "hot" and can't picture yourself having sex with them. It might change if you dated someone for some time and got to know them better.

It's a bit strange that you didn't mention any crushes. Don't you have them? It's a good indication of what gender you like more (if any).

As for labeling yourself - well, it's probably wise to wait until you're a 100% sure that you're lesbian/bisexual/straight/whatever. But I didn't :icon_bigg I came out as bisexual about 2 years ago and soon later I was pretty sure I'm not into guys at all (oh, and I haven't dated anyone nor done anything sexual. I just crush on girls all the time :rolle. But I don't think that's a problem. Labels just make communication easier, I believe. And it's OK to change them from time to time.

So, if I were you, I would talk to this friend (if you really trust her and are not afraid that she will out you or something, of course).

Well, I shared my thoughts. Maybe somebody more experienced will say something more.

 

I know how you feel. I am in pretty much the same place (but as a guy.)

With me the main problem is admitting to it, because I feel that if I do, I might be wrong about my sexuality. So if you're worried about committing to anything - DON'T! Just be happy to experiment.

Also, it's OK to know other lesbians and find them horrible - when I was at High School the only other gay guy there was smart-mouthed and thuggish. So it's totally fine to not want to have sex with some lesbians. Just like hetero women find some guys unattractive and vice versa.

I was never very boyish, but I don't think how macho or how feminine you are really matters. Remember, your sexuality is just a small part of your personality in the end.

I hope this helps and that you pull through OK.

 

Hello there, welcome to EC.

Now it's fine to know what your sexual preference is before you get out there and see for yourself. I barely have any experience with anyone and I know I'm gay, so the chances are you like girls just like I like boys. That you've been thinking about it for as long as you have would pretty much say you feel best this way. It was the same for me when I was coming to terms with my sexuality and I started drifting away from girls and getting more attracted to guys through fantasies like you did.

And you don't need to worry about attraction either. I don't look at every guy and feel attraction to them, so it's going to be the same for you too.

 

I understand what you mean. I haven't officially dated anyone yet, so it's kinda like I've got my feet in the water but I'm not "officially" a lesbian yet. My situation differs from your though in that I know I like girls only and not guys. I have what sometimes borders on a beginning case of agoraphobia--the fear of men. More specifically, the fear of having a relationship with a guy. Whenever I even think about it, my skin crawls and I start to freak myself out.

My freshman year of high school is when I should have started to realize. Whenever a guy would confess or ask me out, I would freak. As in, I would start detesting the idea and trying to avoid them. I've had a minor case with a stalker, and I've had guys over the internet who don't know how to take a hint and continue to come on very strong to me (even when I remind them that I'm a lesbian). I even told myself at the beginning of last year to suck it up and go on a date with a guy for the first time. It was fun, but also awkward. I only got to a second date before he found me out (I was outed by one of my "friends")--and I hated it. The first part of the date was and still is a really good memory when he took me to a cafe and we were talking and joking around with the waitress. Lol, he was the one worried about his weight and diet, whereas I can eat anything I want and stay exactly the same doll-like size. But then he drove me to his old elementary school playground, one of his secret places he comes to be alone, and then we went back to his house to watch a movie in his basement. I kept wanting to shove him away...he carried me down the basement steps and he kept holding and even kissed my hand during the movie. All I could think was how much I wished he wasn't a guy.

I'm naturally more comfortable with girls, and uncomfortable with men. Like you, it's been all I think about for years trying to get accustomed to myself. It sounds to me like you might be bisexual and leaning towards girls. But as everyone has already mentioned, I think the best way for you is to actually date someone. And don't worry, you'll find someone sooner or later who's interested in you. ^-^ Sorry for rambling! Thank you for listening!

 

I would say that you could be bi but lean lesbian or you could be lesbian. I consider myself lesbian but there is probabaly a 1% chance that one day I could fall in love with a guy because sexuality is so fluid. Good luck and remember that if u want to label yourself you can always change that label later!

 

I can definitely relate to your situation, though I'm starting to feel more resolved about my sexuality. I am 19 (very nearly 20) and I've never been asked on a date or kissed. Growing up, my friends would always fawn over guys... to my complete bewilderment. I eventually got tired of my inability to participate in the conversation, so I sort of "decided" to like one guy in my grade. I thought he was quite attractive, so why not? I even felt, for a while at least, the nervousness my friends spoke of when I talked to him. It didn't last long. You're not supposed to have to actively cultivate a crush, so I went to college without ever really having experienced what my friends found so important.
The question would cross my mind sometimes during high school: am I gay? It didn't come frequently, and I hadn't liked any girls, so I figured the answer was no. I was either straight and late to blossom, or asexual. Late in my first year of college, I met a girl who was part of an organization in which I was involved. I won't use the word attracted, because I don't think I realized it at the time, but I was certainly intrigued by her. Inklings of my sexuality started creeping in; I saw a girl at the gym who I thought was absolutely beautiful over the summer; I watched the movie "Aimee und Jaguar" and wanted to take Felice into my arms; I tried fantasizing about women instead of men during masturbation. Most of this really started happening late first semester and throughout second semester of my second year.
So, by the middle of second semester I considered myself at least a Kinsey 1, unresolved, and not too worried about it. For whatever reason, probably in part because of my minor attraction to said girl from before, I started thinking about it ALL THE TIME. I can't tell you how much talking about it helped. Most sites I've read advised not coming out until you yourself are certain of your orientation. Unfortunately, that just wasn't going to work for me. I was thinking about it constantly, as you are, and I'm a pretty open person by nature, so I felt like I was hiding a big part of who I was at that time. So I came out as, "might be gay, definitely questioning" to several people who I knew would be supportive, and then several who I wasn't quite as sure about. Everyone I've told has been great, and mostly it's just been nice to not feel like I'm holding it all in.

Sorry for that great big post about my life... probs wasn't necessary, but in some ways I feel like I can really relate to your situation, and it's always nice to know you're not alone. Unfortunately no one can really tell you what your orientation is but you, and that can sometimes take some time and patience. If I had really honestly evaluated my past, I would not have started at the straight end of the Kinsey scale, but that is where society tends to place us from birth. However, some advice and questions from my own experience, which may or may not be helpful/applicable to you:

- Talk to someone. I'm sure forums like this are helpful, but they can't beat a real person. It doesn't have to be your best friend if you're not comfortable with that yet, and you probably shouldn't start coming out to everyone you know until you have a little more clarity yourself, but it's also okay to just say you're not sure what you're sexuality is yet.
- There is nothing wrong with not having had a crush, not having had a relationship and not having been kissed. You probably know all of those things, but I need reminding of that myself sometimes, so I figured it couldn't hurt to remind you.
- If those things don't change, just look for any attractions and fantasies you might have as you go forward. As you get more comfortable with the idea of being gay, you might find yourself noticing more women. That has been my situation. While actual experience might help, you don't need the experience to be confident in your orientation.
- If you masturbate, do you tend to fantasize more about one sex or the other?
-When you see guys you think are hot, are they people you are attracted to, or is it more of an objective "yes, that guy is pretty attractive"?

Sorry for the ridiculous length of this post. It's my first one, so I'm sure I'll learn the art of brevity with time. Good luck figuring it all out! I know it can be frustrating when you really just want to know, so try to be a little patient with yourself and and be okay sitting with the questions for a while.

 

Hey, I understand how you feel, I'm like that aswell - getting attracted to girls more than boys on an emotional level. Did you get a chance to talk to someone about this? Hows everything working out for you?

Hope you're well X

 

I'd say you're probably at least a Kinsey 4, but that's just my opinion based on what you said. Also, don't worry about not having been really attracted to anyone because some people are just like that: it takes a lot for them to be attracted to someone. My girlfriend is very similar: apart from me, the only person she cites as being attractive to her is Katy Perry, so don't worry about that and don't be afraid to change your label later on, because, as said previously, sexuality is fluid.

 

That sounds awesome! Glad you've got an accepting friend, and it sounds like you guys may be able to help each other out as you seem to be in similar boats. I think you're on the right track and just wanted to add my two cents. Although I've recently begun to settle in to identifying as bisexual, the ball is still kind of up in the air. I started out with that incessant need to find a label, but I've come to find it's not all that important to me. What I've found most important is that I accept myself and all the feelings I have, which it seems like you're on the road to doing yourself. Something I've come to realize is that there can be power in uncertainty. Self discovery is a journey, the process is just as important as the end. Best of luck!

 

This is the issue with equating personality traits with gender and sexuality. Before even considering attraction O__________O

You're not "girly". Can't tell ya how many straight women l know who aren't. And they aren't rebelling, lol.

What you described sounds like a definite attraction to men, primarily. You think they are hot. Most likely you don't think about sex immediately because A.most women don't. B. You haven't had sex and it may not be something you think about regularly yet.

The connection to women sounds more emotional, like you said.

Though, it's not uncommon for some women to be bi and have a relationship with either a man or woman that's mostly based on an emotional connection and not "bad" if that's what's important to them.

But honestly the way you have described liking shows with lesbian characters and not being girly to me as justification for being possibly gay is a little

edit: lol, just seeing in the replies that this thread is a year old -_- please don't take what l say too seriously then.