As my gender status says, i'm "desoriented"

Hello there. After a year being in permanent suffering, agonie and Doubt, I will take my time, write everything that's going through my mind, and hope for your kind opinion in this matter.I'm sure that a lot of you had passed through something like this or ar least, would identify yourselves in some lines.
Basically I just don't Know Who I am anymore(or just realized and having trouble accepting it .... ?!?! ). But first,I would like to talk about What I was.

As a child i've always been interested in girls. I remember "making out" with my female cousin at age of 3 or 4 or some.. I've always had crushes on girls and falling deep in love with them at my childhood and teen ages.My First passion for a girl started at the age of 8 and lasted until 16, and during this time, i was completely in love (obsessed ?!?!) by this girl, although during this time, i had some minor crushes on other girls, but i think i can say that that blond blue eyed girl was my first great love (obsession ?!?! ). At 16, i felt in love with another Girl and she was my first girlfriend. the First time i had sex was with her. It was great. At the time I felt like nothing was better in the world. Those where great times. Eventually the romance faded away. Something that i think is very common at those ages. We grew up, went sperated ways... just how's life is. Another girls came after that relation.. some more interesting than others, and At college I started a relationship with the girl that so far was the girl I've shared more. We even lived together and the relation lasted for about 2 years. Sex was Awesome so as life. but we had our differences and things just didn't worked out. during all this time, I've always sure that i was straight. I mean... I never had a second thought for a guy, or at least I never noticed that.

Now, the questioning part. I remember once in my teen ages ( 13 or 14) I was lying on the couch minding my own business, and out of nothing it strikes me: "what if i'm gay?" just like that. I mean, i never had a crush on boy , I'de check up on girls like everytime... and that question just pops in my head. It was scary and made feel very nervous, but in the day after, i dismissed that. The Second time I had this kind of Questions was after my first relationship was over. By this time, i've come up with this because I realized that some guys where good looking, And having this perception bothered me. I mean, at the time i though: "well... if you can tell if a guy is good looking or not, you must be gay, because straight guys cant tell such thing" . This phase lasted just a few days and then fade away. I could see if guys where good looking or not, but it was just it ( or used to think it was), i Was interested in girls .

The third time i had a gay though, it was at age of 21 or 22. Me and my friend were at his pool just the Two, smoking pot , and then, out of nothing i've started to think "twos guys alone in a pool, this is kinda gay" and then i've started seeing images in my head, of us making out... sh***t... this was awkward and strange. I shaked the head and that was it. never wanted to think about it again.

It's been a year since I've been dealing with a rumor that spread about me being gay, and it's everywhere. Everybody thinks i'm gay, My family,those who used to be my closest friends... everybody! And i started to questioning myself again, but this time it hited hard. I spend the entire day with some kind of mental questioning regarding this issue. it's been like this for a year. lots and lots questions... lookig for something in the past and besides those 3 events i described, i found nothing, although,nowadays,i find those 3 are really messy for me. It's like i'm always having this thought that i'm gay, or i'm having this question in my head. I started to force myself thing about intimacy with a man to see how i react, and all i fell is weirdness. And now sometimes this images come to my head and they are really repulsing and annoying. sometimes it causes me nausea. ( please don't take this outflow as some kind of insult or anything like that, because it isn't. )
I'm at stage that i'm questioning that if my previous relations and crushes where fake and
i didn't realized it, and questioning if some of my friendships ( great ones as far as used to see it ) where something more than just that. I just don't know anymore.

I always were a little bit shy around girls, always afraid what to say, or what they would think... but thinks used to worked well. And around man, although i know i was not the "alpha male" and not much as that type guy who's see's any piece of ass walking and started to yield out loud like anybody needed to know what he was thinking, i know that most of the times i agreed with their opinion. i always felt like i was part of team. I i used to saw a preety girl, i know if could... i would, and if a saw a good looking guy... yeah wherever... good for him.

But nowadays, i just don't know anymore. I can't stare at peolples eyes anymore. If i see a dude, i'm afraid i will spike something. And for worsening things, my attraction to girls and my libido almost vanished. This thing is being so bad right now that, sometimes, even seeing my father, my brother or other relatives triggers questions and strange feelings.

Right now... the only things that still make believe that i'm straight, is my past and my dreams( I never had sexual dreams with men). When i awake after dreamed about a girl, i feel so much relief , but this doesn't last much long, and then the thinking and rumination process begins again...

I Read online that i could Have Symptoms of OCD regarding the fear of beeing gay. When i discovered it, at the time, it maked sense and brought some relief. But i really don't know if that's what's going on, if this is a major confusion in my head due depression (i've been diagnosed by a psychologist ), or if this is a case of denial and accepting issues.

That's all i have to say right now. Thank's to everybody who's wheeling to help and sorry for my English. I'm not a native English language speaker.

Best Regards

 

How do you define attraction to man ? Seriously ... I'm in a mind loop that i don't even know if what i or felt was attraction or admiration or envy or whatta hell... i mean.. i never had that thing making me want to kiss and hug and be with... but this thoughts, and all this gossip arround me... sometimes i feel like people know something about me that i didn't knew.

Another point. I recently broke up with a girl ( or better, she broke up with me), because, among other things , i was always to stressed, to depressed... in fact , i wasn't really a good company ( and she didn't liked me that much.. i can tell it for sure). But when i was with her, my anxiety , and the questioning and the thoughts rarely occurred. I can say that for a period of time She made feel a little bit in peace...

 

I Saw 2 therapists. I didn't liked the first one. I got the impression that she was trying to "help me" with acceptance,Besides talking to me with sarcasms and ironies, or at the least that was the impression i got. when i asked her if she had a diagnosis she said she had some clues, but polity denied talking it with me. the second one, told me that so far, nothing that i told her would point that i was gay, and i probably were dealing with depression. She recommended working out lol. When i asked her if she thought i could have OCD, she just asked if i used to wash my hands very often or had any other rituals... I'm not a therapist... it is not up to me to come up with diagnosis.

But after i studied a bit of OCD, i think i had some episodes of it in past, regarding diseases, accidents , plane crashes... among some others.

 

Not at all.

 

Thank you for that description. It's what everybody who i talked about this keep telling me...

 

Thanks for your advice . I'm thinking about seeing a psychiatrist. what is holding me at the moment is that i got to go for it once more... talking with another stranger, telling the same history again, answering the same questions, and eventually getting nowhere , or feel worst, as occurred the with the first therapist. Did you seeked that kind of help? did it worked for you?
best regards