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Not related to my sexuality, but I think I might have repressed memories of abuse?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by enutpen, May 12, 2012.

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  1. enutpen

    enutpen Guest

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
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    This might be long, but please bear with me. Last year I began to be depressed about a lot of things that had happened me as a chld. I was in grade 9. My mom abused prescription drugs and tried to kill herself, my dad who died when I was 8 and my moms ex were alcoholics, and I guess I just started to understand everything that had happened to me in such a short period of time.

    However, last year one of my friends told me that her uncle sexually abused her and she had only just remembered it happened at 16. Ever since then I began to consider, "Wow, that's just terrible, what if I have repressed memories?" Of course, "what if" often indicates paranoia, but after I think of some events I'm not so sure. Please don't think I'm foolish, I could be completely wrong. Just let me know at least what you think of this.

    There are certain things from my childhood that aren't necessarily suggestive, but strange I guess. For example, I remember knowing how to masturbate for my whole life. I don't know if anyone else did? But I remember masturbating or possibly, only possibly, being masturbated from a very young age.

    Later, I thought about something that happened me once, thought I don't remember in full detail. I remember being told "don't tell your mom about this", and then I think maybe time skips and I remember being in a hospital bed where these doctors are wearing surgeon masks and green coats. They tell me to pull down my pants which I'm reluctant to do, but someone ushers me to go ahead so I pull them off. I lie in the bed and these doctors tell me that they're going to put some cream on my vagina and tell me to let them know how it feels. I say ok, and they rub the cream into my vagina and I guess it was stimulated and I say I feel like I have to pee, and they say, "That's how it's supposed to feel, that's alright", and I say, "let me pee" so they do. I go in the bathroom and my dad holds a cup for me to pee in and I say I can't pee, and then I go out again, something happens, and I go try and pee again. I pee in the cup and the next thing I remember is the doctors telling my dad they "can't find anything". Obviously, this is a doctors office and doesn't mean I was molested, but I find it weird why I couldn't tell my mom about this? What couldn't they find? What do you think I was there for? I was probably about 7 or 8 at the time, and I don't remember but from that time period.

    I also remember that one time, when we went to the shelter for abused women and their children. I was asked about whether I knew the difference between a good touch and a bad touch, and I said yes, and the woman said was I ever "bad touched" and I said no. I find it weird I was asked this because incidentally my best friend was also there at the time and when she was questioned, they never asked her that.

    I know I'm almost definitely being paranoid, but I have a kind of fear of men. I don't remember fully a lot of things that have happened to me. I know none of this screams, "wow you were definitely molested or raped" and I don't mean to discredit anyone who actually was. I'm just curious about this recent recollection.

    What do you think?
     
    #1 enutpen, May 12, 2012
  2. Ianthe

    Ianthe
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    Re: Not related to my sexuality, but I think I might have repressed memories of abuse

    The masturbation thing is relatively common and does not indicate sexual abuse. I don't remember the first time for me; I remember my mother telling me that that was something I should do in private, but it wasn't the first time. Kids learn that certain parts of their bodies can make them feel good without anyone ever having to show them. It's normal. Ask any preschool teacher about naptime.

    It's hard to know what the doctor visit means. It could be that your dad was for some reason afraid that you had been molested, whether you actually were or not. He may just have not wanted to upset your mother without evidence. Although it surprises me that he wouldn't have asked you. And I don't know what they would rub on your vagina that would stimulate urination, that doesn't seem normal to me.

    If you have a fear of men that is unexplained, it might be a good idea to see a therapist.
     
    #2 Ianthe, May 12, 2012
  3. Tetraquark

    Tetraquark Guest

    Re: Not related to my sexuality, but I think I might have repressed memories of abuse

    Nothing from what you said raises any serious alarm bells for me, but then again, I'm not trained in these matters. The masturbation is normal. I don't know what the doctors would have been checking for. A bladder infection, or perhaps a vaginal infection? The procedure seems a bit strange for that and you would have been a bit young, but lacking other evidence I would be inclined to think it was something like that rather than signs of abuse. The shelter incident and alcoholism sound more worrisome to me, as they suggest that you were in an environment were such abuse does tend to take place. As Ianthe said, if you have an unexplained fear of men or other similar problems you should consult a therapist as this might be indicative of abuse.

    Keep in mind, however, that the human brain is remarkably good at tricking itself. If you continue to try to remember being abused as a child, you will likely remember something eventually, even if it never actually happened (googling "repressed memories real" pulls up a couple articles that go into this in a bit more detail, if you're interested). That's not to say that you shouldn't seek help if you think you need it -- a good therapist should be able to help you sort things out.
     
    #3 Tetraquark, May 12, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: May 12, 2012
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