As an abuse victim, how can I GENUINELY be sure of my sexuality?

So... I've been stressing out about my queer identity for a few months now. And for my own state of mind I'm just gonna do my best to put it all out here where I can sort out my individual thoughts on the matter before I go crazy second-guessing myself.


First off, let's make one thing clear: I love girls. I love kissing girls, I love touching them, I love how soft they feel and how beautiful and nurturing they are. I love the way they sigh, they laugh, they snuggle and the way they make me feel. I've only ever had sexual experiences with girls, and I've only really felt truly "in love" with a girl.

I didn't accept my sexuality until I was roughly thirteen or fourteen, and at the time I was already going through a lot of confusing shit in my life, so coming to terms with my attraction to the female sex was initually very scary and overwhelming for me. And a great deal of my friends, I felt, wouldn't have accepted me had I outed myself to them anyway (expressing sentiments I would later realize were homophobic; e.g. "gay guys are cool but lesbians are gross, etc") which created an added level of anxiety for me. (For the record, I did lose three very close friends when I outed myself, but there were many more that DID accept me, who, as it turns out, are still present in my life today.)

Now, at the time, I identified relatively confidently as 'bisexual'. Being a young teenager I certainly had celebrity crushes, many of whom were male and female (I had no concept of trans* identities at this time so bisexual was the best term I would have thought to use). But make no mistake, I definitely couldn't have identified myself as a lesbian because I certainly did a lot of drooling over men: I had posters of Gerard Way, Steven Tyler and Billie Joe Armstrong all over my locker, binders and room.

...But when it came to actually dating them... every time a boy was ever interested in me (and there were a few), I'd always find a way to back out, to push them away and to run. Even when I liked them, too. I'd flirt and flirt and then as soon as they reciprocated whatever romantic vibes I was throwing their way, I'd scram.

Because I, unbeknownst to many people in my life, have an intense, crippling fear of intimacy with men.

Now two of my best friends are male, and I've always been able to carry on conversations and even to develop close friendships with them, but it's that specific idea of closeness, of holding, of touching, of any kind of sexual encounter makes me profoundly uncomfortable and nervous and scared. I certainly oggle them a lot, I find myself attracted to dudes on the street or in magazines or in media, but the concept of actually acting on those sorts of desires is maddeningly terrifying to me.

I should mention at this point, that this could definitely be the result of emotional trauma due to the sexual abuse I've suffered in the past. I am a victim of childhood rape and of molestation at two other times in my life, all of which were at the hands of a boy or man. My primary coping mechanism when I'm faced with extreme panic is to repress things, so these are issues that have been bottled up for years that I have only come to terms with fairly recently. But this has never detracted me from pursuing friendly relationships with male family members, classmates, coworkers.

And I mean... maybe this just comes with the bundle. Maybe I just have to be cautious and poke at my boundaries and see how I feel in a year or two. But it's very maddening, and confusing and frightening to constantly be questioning my own sexuality because I can't even start to think about what I want in terms of sexuality without having to dig up and be confused by these issues. Am I truly just not attracted to guys? Does that make me a lesbian? Am I heteroromantic but homosexual? Am I pan? Am I bi?

What is the correct frame of reference here, and how do I find it while still trying to live my life as an abuse victim and as a sexually-active and sexually-driven female?

I like the term 'queer', because it is all-encompassing. All it implies is that I am something other than straight, and there isn't a definitive line under this umbrella that forces me to choose sides or percentages or anything like that. And anyone who wants clarification on what that means can ask me about it, and I can decided what I want to divulge on the subject and what I want to keep to myself, and I like that. I like the level of anonymity that 'queer' brings.

But going back to what I said above, this has been a tremendous source of anxiety and uncertainty for me. And it's even worse for me right now because I'm currently sort of starting to feel like I like this guy that I already know likes me, and he's super sweet and wonderful and one of my best friends and just really really great, but... I have this tremendous level of uncomfortableness and anxiety about actually dating him that has nothing to do with him specifically, and I just don't know how to know if this is because I'm not truly attracted to men on a sexual level, or if it's because of the emotional trauma left behind from my abusive history.


To repeat the question,
What is the correct frame of reference here, and how do I find it while still trying to live my life as an abuse victim and as a sexually-active and sexually-driven female? And how can I be sure of what I want? What should I do about my current situation with this guy, and what steps can I take to be sure? I recently came out of a relationship with a girl, so I know I'm emotionally ready to handle dating in general, but should I really try it with this guy? I just don't know what to do. I really like him, but I don't know what to do.


Thank you for your time.