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Really, really struggling with sexuality!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by 57varieties, Oct 1, 2012.

  1. 57varieties

    Regular Member

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    Hi, new member here. Just posted a quick 'hello' over in the welcomes section, so I hope it isn't bad form to immediately jump in and ask for advice on something! This is all going to be quite discursive and rambling, so my sincere apologies.

    I'm in a very difficult place at the moment. Since my early twenties I've struggled (on and off) with my sexual orientation. However, since I remained a virgin until very recently, the point was almost moot. I felt I'd figure it out in good time, although the prospect of being gay didn't exactly fill me with joy. To add to the situation, I have conservative Catholic parents and no gay friends. I do have a supportive sister and a couple of decent friends, so there's that at least.

    Well, at the tender age of 28, I've met a girl. Things are going well, at least superficially. She's incredibly sweet and I really feel a strong emotional pull towards her. However, having slept together it's brought back the realisation that I have a lot of latent homosexual feelings I've been brushing under the carpet. The physical side of things isn't bad, but it feels surprisingly unexciting. I wouldn't say I'm looking forward to sex with her, or repulsed. It's just THERE, something to do.

    I've never felt particularly comfortable around other blokes; in fact male company often makes me actively uncomfortable, although I've never been able to pin down why. I initially felt disgusted by the thought of same-sex activity, although as time has gone on that revulsion has been replaced by curiosity. I definitely feel arousal around some men, and I've found gay porn genuinely titillating on a couple of occasions. These feelings aren't going away any time soon, and the more I pay attention to them the more they're amplifying.

    All cut-and-dried so far. Gay, right? But the difficulty I'm having is that I've also felt powerful physical attractions to women in the past, too. In fact, I spent a large portion of young adulthood in desperately unrequited love with a succession of girls. I don't think it was a desire to be hetero-normative or 'fit in', the feelings were just there. On the other hand, I've also had opportunities for one night stands with girls, and just felt absolutely no desire at all. Moreover, I feel that my interest in women has somewhat lessened in my late twenties.

    The bottom line here is that I have to make a choice with this girl. She has feelings for me, and I know I'd hurt her like crazy if I broke things off. It's my decision to take. I don't want to throw away a good thing because of a fleeting uncertainty, but I'm sure as anything not going to put either of us through an unhappy relationship either. I'm tearing my hair out over this.

    Anybody have a take on this?

    J
     
  2. Thyker

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    Hello and welcome! No, it is not too soon to ask for support or advice!

    I see a lot of similarities between your story and my life. First, my family is extremely conservative Christians as well. I was constantly told that homosexuality is a sin and that they spend an eternity in Hell. I always knew I was gay, but I wanted there to be an ounce of hope that I could successfully love a woman. After many failed attempts at going on dates with women, I knew I had to accept the fact that I was gay. Coming out was an emotional time period, but I did manage to do it. My parents were confused and depressed at first, but now months later we talk about it like it is nothing.

    When it comes to friends, I have more friends that are girls then guys. This is because I feel more comfortable around girls and I am not looking to gain something more than a friendship from them. I am not even the feminine type, I just feel more secure around women. I just do not connect with the male gender that well.

    First, if you do not share the same feelings as your girlfriend, I suggest breaking it off now. It is better to do it now and not down the road when you are married and have kids. I am just like you where I am emotionally connected to women. But, being sexually attracted to them is something I lack.

    You say that you did have an attraction towards women at one point in time. Sexuality isn't simply being straight, bi, or gay. Sexuality is more based on a spectrum. Check out the Kinsey scale to see where you would place yourself. This is a lot easier then putting yourself into three labels.

    (*hug*)
     
  3. 57varieties

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    Thanks, Thyker. That's really helpful. I've had a look at the Kinsey scale before - it does seem to tally with my experiences. Maybe I'm 'hetero/homoflexible', who knows? I guess it might be helpful for me to try a bit of safe experimentation. Fortunately, there's a DIY music scene near where I live where gay & straight folks are really well integrated, so I think I'm quite lucky in terms of exploring things in a non-judgemental environment. I'm not terribly bothered about having lots of casual sex - I just want to meet someone and know they're right for me!
     
  4. 57varieties

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    Well, I split with my girlfriend yesterday.

    It felt really shitty, although I'd been quite clear from the start of our relationship that I thought I was bisexual. We'd only been going out for a month so I'm surprised at how intensely I felt about the whole thing.

    I still hope it was the right thing to do. I guess I haven't felt any romantic attractions for men up to this point, so I feel I've traded a strong emotional (but not physical) connection for a lot of uncertainty. I think the deciding factor is whether I can develop a strong physical and emotional chemistry with someone. At the moment, I just don't know where on the Kinsey scale that lies yet! I envy the absolute certainty that some people have on here. Just to say: yep, I knew I was gay from the start. It'd be whole lot easier than the niggling uncertainty I'm experiencing.

    I don't expect anyone to reply to this! It's actually just incredibly cathartic to ramble about it in an open forum.