How can stop fussing about my sexuality without friends?

Hey there! And welcome to EC! :smilewave

First of all... it's not up to others to label you. So if you want to keep the "questioning" label, then that's perfectly fine!

However, I hope you won't begrudge me for writing the rest of my post assuming you're gay. To me, it seems like your dilemma isn't really one of whether you like men or women. What you describe sounds like you gravitate more to men in terms of friendship, romantic attraction, and physical attraction. No matter if you actually go out and meet men, that wouldn't change. It wouldn't even change if they dropped you on an uninhabited island


Now, I think there's actually two things you could (and should) do:

- First of all: getting to meet more people. Not from a perspective of "some of them might be gay and datable". Rather from a perspective of: some of them might be really good friend material. Getting friends is, in the end, a result of meeting new people, and keeping those you click with. Yes, that means most people you meet will be casual acquaintances at best, and only a few will "stick". But don't see that as a bad thing. Over time, you'll end up with enough people to comfortably be yourself with.

And friends have the benefit of being a good sounding board. Most of my friends are straight and male. And I'm generally not active in gay circles, and haven't so much as held hands with a guy yet. But the great thing about them is that they don't mind me being open about all of that. More than anything, they're the ones I can be myself to, without lying or avoiding or playing pronoun games. If anything made me comfortable with being gay, it was being out to them.

So, how do you find friends? I'd say you already started off well. Volunteering is one of the ways to find people you might click with. Same goes for other hobbies, like joining a sports club, or a hiking club, or evening classes in whatever interests you. In all cases, you're likely to end up with people who have at least some similar interests. Try to get into casual conversation in between working together. Ask about their hobbies and activities and lives. and freely tell about yours. If you find someone who seems worthwhile to talk more with, you could even suggest hanging out sometime and indulge in a common hobby.

On the "out" front... it might be just as simple as considering it to be no big deal and acting like it. No "I"m Will, and I'm gay!". Just act as you'd normally do, and when it comes up, mention you're attracted to men as if it's no big deal. If they ask you if you have a girlfriend, casually mention "not as such. And girls aren't really what I want anyway )". Often, if you keep acting as you always do, and make it no big deal, people will not see it as a big deal either.



- Second point: meeting more gay men.
I will start off with saying that gay bars and saunas, while obviously good at encountering gay men, might not be what you want right now. Gay bars are often places where people go to have some smalltalk and then have sex. Sauna's are the same, minus the smalltalk.
Which is good for people who really want casual flings, but not if you want an in-depth talk.

What could help, is checking if there is any kind of GLBT community center, or a GLBT group who meets regularly. They're the most likely to be used to dealing with people still finding their way out of the closet, and offering the kind of advice and help you need. also, they're the most likely places to meet people in a similar situation as you. since you mention living in a semi-large city, there might be one of those nearby. Googling "[city name] GLBT" can already work well in finding out where they're hiding.

Personals aren't as odd as they're sometimes made out to be. There's all was of meeting people, and whether that starts in a bar, in a hobby club, or online makes little difference. A few of my best friends are people I know from online.
If you do put up an advert, don't be apologetic about what you want: you're interested in getting to know some GLBT people as friends, but otherwise not on the market for relationships or casual sex.
Also, do make sure YOU check the personal ads as well. Maybe there are already people out there looking for just the same thing, just waiting for someone to reply.
(do keep on your guard if meeting people from online or through ads, though. Always meet in a public place, don't give any personal info until you're comfortable, and make sure they're really wanting to just chat, instead of wanting sex, and just being too shy to ask for it in the ad).

Incidentally, do keep posting here. We're not available for meeting in the flesh, but EC is a place filled with people in somewhat the same position. so we're always here to talk about whatever is on your mind!


Last, but VERY MUCH not least: could you still contact the friend from uni? If anyone seems likely to be able to talk about it as just friends, to be discreet and to offer genuine and helpful opinions. He might or might not have had an idea about you back in uni, but he definitely sounds like a decent guy to open up to about what's bothering you!


Phew, and with that, I've written a novel

I hope it can help in some way. Do feel free to reply and/or ask more questions!