Hey, So I just joined oc to find some help to figure out what I am feeling. For the past 3 months I've been really wonderring about my sexuality...it's been eating away at me..day by day. I haven't always been attracted to guys. When I was 6 and very naive....my cousin basically talked me into giving him a bj...and I didn't even know what that was...and yeah so I did...then when I was 11/12...I gave my bro's best friend a bj...and from 13/14 years old...I gave another two. and I'm not proud of it...it makes me disgusted just talking about it...I dont like sucking dick...I dont even like looking at an uncut dick. I have always liked girls, recentley I have been watching more and more porn, most of which is gay. It's just that normal porn doesn't do it for me. When I masturbate I think about guys alot, but also of women every noe and then. I don't want to have.an emotional relationship with a man...I do however want one with a woman. Im more sexually attracted to men, but also a little by woman....but I just want to date women, not men. So yeah am I gay,BI,straight and curious or what. I've really been struggling with ths...and it makes me very upset...I haven't been happy with who I am, I don't even know WHo I am...and yeah I might only be 14 turning 15, but I know about all of these feelings...and hope this 'gay/bi' part is just a phase...help?:eusa_doh:
You sound a lot like I was when I was younger and trying to come to terms with who I was. I have always been attracted to guys, but tried to convince myself that it was a phase and I'd grow out of it and become attracted to girls. Well, that never happened, lol. Before I accepted myself, I too thought that I wouldn't be able to connect with a guy on an emotional level and thought that I only desired that from females. But when I finally did accept that I was gay and that is how it was always going to be, my mind kind of broke down a lot of walls that I had built up that kept me "detached" from my true feelings and desires for the same sex. I love myself and would never want to be straight, but it usually takes a bit of time to get to that point in your life. But come on, guys are too sexy not to like. In my opinion, a lot of the stuff you have said points more towards you being gay than bisexual and definitely not straight. For the things you have mentioned about liking both sexes for(or thinking you do), you've consistently said you like guys more. Trust me, you will find happiness once you figure out and let yourself be who you are.
The deepest root to who you are attracted you is how you feel on a sexual level first. How do you feel when you think about a man or woman? Do you find yourself checking out good looking guys out in public or does a pretty girl turn your head? You mentioned that you were aroused by gay porn. To me that says that you are sexually attracted to men on a physical level. Emotional gender attraction is such a variable thing that it is almost silly. What is the male or female emotional attraction? I can see where you might feel the way you do if you are going on a specifically stereotypical level. But for every tough, insensitive, manly man there is a tough, insensitive tom boy woman. Just like there are soft spoken, gentle and creative women as well as men. Emotion has no gender. We like pretend it does and people, especially young people, like to put up a front to fit in, but to say that men or women project a single kind of emotional state of which you don't think you can be attracted to is a bit short sighted. You will learn that especially as you grow older and branch out and get away from the "fronters". Im not trying to diagnose you, but the notion that you are not gay because you feel like you might not be emotionally attracted to men sounds like something you are trying to convince yourself of as a possible way to not be gay. Denial is another word. If you think men are sexy and that women are not, you are most likely gay. It sounds so simple...and I am hardly one to lecture because Im not out... but get to the real questions and try to identify if you are simply trying to come up reasons not to be gay instead of working on becoming the oerson you ARE!
Sounds like you were exposed to sex at a very young age in what would easily be considered sexual abuse. You were not at a legal age to consent to what occurred so don't feel guilty for what took place. Don't under estimate how those experiences can have an impact on coming to terms with your sexuality later in life. It can be very confusing. Also don't under estimate how societies norms often make it difficult to come to terms with your sexuality if you are anything but straight. I would suggest you take your time. You indicate you are more sexually attracted to men but not turned off by the thought of being with a woman. If you are bi it doesn't mean you'll have an equal attraction to both sexes. I've also found the primary attraction to change at different times in my life. Most of all don't let society dictate who you are, allow yourself to come to terms with your sexuality whatever it might be. There is nothing wrong with being gay or bi. The gay\bi part is not likely a phase. Don't feel there is any rush to label yourself but don't deny who you really are.
Child-on-child sexual abuse can make you more confused about your sexual orientation, regardless of what your orientation really is. I would recommend seeking therapy regarding those experiences, if it is possible. The way you describe the first experience and how it makes you feel to think of it, I would definitely categorize it as traumatic. It will probably be necessary to work through that trauma in order for you to really be clear about your sexual orientation.
