Hey guys, I find myself largely in a quandary about my sexuality for the past few years. I'm by no means afraid of opening up and identifying myself as a "Bisexual" male, but I start to question if I find men truly appealing -- sexually. About the age of eighteen I had a partner that I "thought" I might have been sexually attracted to. I definitely felt an emotional inclination to be with him; but it was minute. I thought I had felt love, but we truly weren't compatible. And after experiencing sex with the boy I knew I didn't enjoy it. The experience made me feel uncomfortable at the age. I couldn't "finish", I couldn't actually receive anally, and the relationship ended abruptly. I never really felt too strong of a bond, and I'm not sure if I really fancied the other individual sexually. It was, after all, quite hard to have sex. But yet the experience had to be done for the purpose of finding some sort of self-actualization within myself, and finding a form of my authenticity. But I emphasize the experience was awkward. So at the time I had denounced quite assuredly, "Hey, if I don't find myself sexually attracted to men, then I'm not Gay/Bi." A logical conclusion at the time. Years later, onto today I fell, and still am fallen completely in love with a boy. This time around I find him attractive, cute. Desirable. Even sexually. I like each quality about him; he's ideally pleasing. (An experience of love I could never experience with a girl before.) But I find myself questioning the exact question as before: Could I have sex with him? It's an important aspect as I don't want my partner to be withdrawn from love; and I don't want to go into a relationship, half-way realizing it's something I can't do. I find myself torn at this aspect. Fantastically, in my dreams I picture it all easily. That I could go through it. But purely from a dream-state, can we infer that what we idealize in our dreams could be what we idealize in reality? Or is it a illusion that we create in order to satisfy our existential desires of wanting love?.. But we tie that into something we emotional want? I have no problem kissing, hugging, and cuddling this boy. But I question if I find all corporeal areas attractive. Even at the age of 21, it bothers me relentlessly. The idea picks at my head. I scarcely look at gay porn because it honestly disgusts me a little. I'm not sure if that's because I've been forced the idea that "homosexuality is bad" so many times that I've grown afraid to watch it, or if it's just because main-stream media's idea of gay love just seems so blunt and unemotional that it's unappealing. Unconventional porn (drawings) are appealing, but... that's like... still fantastical, ya know? So I find myself in the heart of this world thinking: Am I only bi-romantic? or Gay-Romantic, instead of "sexual". Because I can assuredly say yes -- I love men emotionally; greatly. But pragmatically, if I can't (hypothetically) be sexually driven, I probably shouldn't be in relationship with a man. So I purpose a question to anyone that may know: Do you think that sexual desire builds with more significant experiences with the other person that I probably didn't witness earlier in with my previous relationship? It is possible I could only find a person sexually appealing within only truly getting to know them.
Hmm. It sounds like you are where I was a few years ago, actually. I readily acknowledged that I could be attracted to guys, but didn't actually get any boy crushes and wasn't ready for the whole shebang. That's not to say you'll gradually get more bi like I did, as I'm sure everybody's different. But that's why they have the Kinsey scale. You don't need to be 50/50 or subscribe to any certain label if you don't want to. It sounds as though you're mostly bisexual, though, especially if you think about kissing and cuddling with your guy of choice. If you're desperate for clarification, I think "mostly bi" works pretty well. You can always go into more detail if somebody wants to know.
Most of psychology, I believe, has been unfortunately written by straight people who have only an inkling of knowledge to as how gay love works. The Kinsey Scale, for example is a fairly old scale that I wouldn't take anymore than with a grain of salt with. It doesn't throw in emotional appeal, nor does it consider pansexuality. (Or other forms of sexuality.) Nonetheless, it was probably essential for the development of "Psychology of human sexuality."
^^It is pretty useful for simplicity's sake though. Otherwise you'd have like a color gradient divided into a 10x10 grid of sexuality/romantic combinations, each with its own name. Pretty fitting for LGBT though XD.
Ermm, well... There's always a more updated scales like: Klein Sexual Orientation Grid. The grids don't really have to be more "complicated", but somewhat more advanced. All I'm saying is that I could possibly have "desires". But... Do Sexual Desires = Sexual Attraction? A common problem I find. They're definitely not completely mutually exclusive. Edit: Might I add: Sexual desire is distinct and separate from genital sexual arousal.
I can relate some to this one, I am feeling more Bi lately wow.. Anyway, for quite sometime I was indulging in all these wild male sex fantasies featuring anal and all. However, after trying to experiment with a real live man it was totally different. Kinda awkward and not all that arousing. My fantasies have adjusted accordingly and I even felt more hetero. But, I still find certain men attractive and would consider non invasive play. So, maybe your new friend will be comfortable with something more individual and less traumatic LOL. Hope this helps, but I'm just a questioning guy Haha.
