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Confused, scared.. Struggling w/ my sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by localfwbguy, Jan 2, 2013.

  1. localfwbguy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2012
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi, I am 23 and always identified as straight but now I'm sure that's not the case. So many people say they always knew, but that's not the case with me. I always liked girls in my class, maybe just thought I was supposed to. Anyway, I developed a hetero identity. I could look at hot girls and bs with the boys, but I didn't have a huge lust towards girls but always wanted a girlfriend. Well, I devolped a gay sexual fantasy about being with an older man. I was about 15 when this started, I looked at stuff online and chatted with perverted old guys. It was exciting and arousing, but I honestly didnt think much of it. I slept with a girl one night, all worked and went well just like I always assumed it would. I just kept checking out women, and some men but just knew I would meet the right girl. My gay fantasies crossed into reality several times. It just made me more confused. I was aroused by it, but I felt sick the whole time "during" and felt just disgusting and disgust for myself. I have never had a romantic or emotional thinh with a man. I was just trying to indulge in a fantasy, it didn't play out like the fantasy..ever. I was left feeling awful and just confused... "Why?" "Why do I do this when I.kno I hate it?". Maybe because it was emotionless and just about getting off, I don't know. Was almost like a compulsion, like my will to say no just didnt work. I met a girl, and entered my first real relationship as an adult. We grew very close and I love her today. We live together and I want a life with her. When we began dating we had the best sex I had ever had. I felt good, not disgusting, it was real. Several months ago I was suffering extreme anxiety and could not get an erection. I have been truly obsessive about sexuality now. I never thought of myself as gay/bi despite the experiences. I am afraid that maybe I am gay/bi in denial or just have super bad OCD because this is all I think about 24/7. I have a person in my life that I love and im afraid this will destroy us. I do not want to be alone, but I don't want to wrong her either. Some days I wonder if I ever loved her, besides how could I if I'm gay? Sometimes I think I should just break up with her and be alone. I do not see myself with a man in a relationship, and honestly do not want to pursue sex either. I'm so confused, maybe im stuck and this is just my life. My sex drive is virtually non existent from stress and worry. My girl knows of my older man curiosity, she accepted me for it. She keeps assuring me she loves me but I'm not loving myselfy lately. I keep trying to figure myself out, I just want a life with her. I am sorry I even got involved with this deal. I just don't want to end up being like 40 and deciding I'm gay, that's terrifying. I don't want to hurt her, but i don't want to lose her. I feel crazy and scared. Am I gay/bi? I spoke to a therapist today, going in tomorrow. Thanks yall, I love you :frowning2:
     
    Johnny smd likes this.
  2. Chickenlover

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    ...trees and rocks and rocks and trees and WATER!
    Okay. First of all, take some deep breaths. You're fine. It's going to be okay.

    It sounds to me that you're not totally straight, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you're "gay". You could be mostly straight but with a small attraction to men. Whatever you are, I think that we can all agree that you're not totally gay, because you obviously are attracted to girls and enjoy having sex with them.

    For this, I would say that your disgust probably stems from denial. You're not comfortable with your gay side, so your body is repulsed by it, although you can't hide your attractions, as you've discovered. Try to calm yourself. Don't try things that you're not comfortable with, and see if you can feel better about this part of you.

    For what you describe as obsessiveness over your sexual orientation, I totally get what you mean. I went through it too. You're not OCD. Questioning is just something that seems to take hold of you and doesn't let you go until you've sorted yourself out. Try relaxing and working on reminding yourself that your orientation doesn't really matter. Sexuality is only a small part of life. I found that it helped when I reminded myself that I would love myself no matter what. It may not have been true, but it helped.

    As for your girlfriend, I think you have an awesome girl there. If you think that it would be kinder for her or better for you to break up the relationship you should consider it, but she seems like a good support for you right now. If you are happy with her and don't feel any urges to be with a man, then I think that it would be the best to continue the relationship. And your fear of realizing your true orientation at 40? If you're already questioning now, then I really doubt that you'll finally have an epiphany at 40. Just focus on loving yourself and relaxing a bit.

    I already mentioned this, but a lot of your stress and anxiety probably stems from insecurity. It's natural to be insecure, especially in your situation, and there are some ways of dealing with it. Focus on making a positive connection with yourself. Give yourself a break sometimes. If you're constantly beating yourself up about your sexual orientation, it's bound to stress you out. If you realize that you're being too hard on yourself, step back. Take a break. You'll feel better if you don't wear yourself down. I know that this is not always easy to do, especially if you have self hate already. But give it a try and it's bound to make you feel better.

    Does your girlfriend know about this? It might be a good idea to tell her, so that she has some sense of what you're going through.

    Good luck with the therapist tomorrow!

    I hope some of this helps. Take care.(*hug*) You've got all of EC on your side. (&&&)
     
    itsuka likes this.
  3. Caudex

    Caudex Guest

    I'd say you're a 2 or 3 on the Kinsey scale, approximately. That means you'd be about 33% gay. But that's just a guess. The only one who can truly know how you feel is yourself, but that's not easy either--I'm still not really sure about my sexuality either.
    A risky course of action, but one that might solve your problem, is to just tell your girlfriend. I think that if she didn't break up with you she'd try to help you and you would probably lose some anxiety.
    Just try to not worry! I know that's hard, but the best way to not worry is to act not worried. Go do a (!), and see if you feel better. I have experience with stress and I know how it feels but I've accumulated ways on how to deal with it, and that might help you. And who knows, if you manage to relieve the stress it might just turn your floppy disk into a hard drive. :slight_smile:icon_redf: Why did I just type that?)