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So this is my story...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by amoamaru, Jan 8, 2013.

  1. amoamaru

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    First of all this is not a "tell me if im gay or straight" thread. I dun even know wth is going on w my sexuality i wish u guys could point me out on who I am and why i feel this way, sadly I know that is not possible and it is for me to find out the answer.

    Secondly i will like to apologize in advance for my broken english, Ill try my best...

    And Third this is gonna be a long post im sorry but i need to let it out hopefully someone will read it all :slight_smile:

    So yeah if some one told me a year ago that i was going to register onto a LGBT forum to tell a story about how am I strugglin to find inner peace about my sexuality I wouldve called em crazy, doing this is a huge step for me and i hope it will help me to find some relief about this "burden" (at lack of a better word) that im carrying.

    To begin with i will tell you a little about myself, Im a 27 year old guy who is still tryin to get his college degree, i've been in an out of several colleges and different careers and I just dont seem to find the one for me. Not that I tried my best at any but yeah thats how it is.

    I used to live at my dad's place until i moved away to some other city like 3 years ago, ive never had a real job in my life and ive always had everything handed to me, still. My parents got divorced when I was like 18 after like 15 years of namecallings, beatings and what not. My dad is an alcoholic and well you get the picture. He cheated on my mom, beat her and etc for many years, surprisngly he never laid hand on me or my older brother till we were older and got into fights with him but yeah as grown men.

    So my mom decided to leave one day and left the 3 of us met some wealthy man married him and started to make a lot of money herself so she still pays for everything.

    I started playin World of Warcraft and never left my house dropped out of school, didnt wanted to go out w my friends. I became an antisocial gained a lot of weight became very introvert and shy I also felt really uncomfortable when males got their faces really close to me.

    As I was sayin I decided to move to another city and purse yet another career and the first years I was havin a blast, doing good at school havin fun w friends etc. I wasnt an introvert anymore. Then I started to smoke pot on a daily basis (had tried it b4 but never that frequently) and try some other drugs and i feel that this is when things started to get a lil bit weird.

    I got into a relationship w this girl who had a crush on me for like years who actually lives in the city i moved from so we didnt get to see each other very often. I enjoyed having sex with her cuz she was into anything i wanted. it seemed like she revered me but i wasnt that much into her I was lonely so I felt happy about having some1 care for me but I didnt liked her as much as she liked me so eventually we broke up.

    Then i got more into drugs and started to go out with this other girl who used to date some dude i knew. I had such a crush on her so i tried very hard to get her to like, i did everything for her always did whatever she wanted but she didnt seemed to b very interested in my plus she had a boyfriend living in the same city that I moved away from. (ya karma is a bitch I know).

    So the days went by and I was still tryin very hard to make her like me, eventually we kissed and made out a couple of times but she wouldnt give in. She "put me into the friend zone".

    This made me very sad and depressed yet i still tried my best for her to like me, kept doin drugs, goin out w her and got rejected many times when i tried to kiss her. In my mind i had (still have) the idea that some day she would like to be with me.

    Then one day i was working on some school project, i rolled a joint a really fat one and started smoking it. I was baked and watching this music video Wiley & Chew Fu - Take That - YouTube. then out of the blue the thought that i was gay crossed my mind, i got very nervous and scared. i rushed to my bed and laid down under the sheets. "Its the pot!" I told myself and blamed it to a bad trip. I tried my best to fell asleep and i did.

    Days passed by and i tried to forget about the incident but it was still present also i didnt used pot or any drugs since that day.
    I kept goin out w the girl who rejected me and eventually we had sex. Now everything felt alright and the gay fear was gone. But i was wrong, it came back and it got worse.

    It got me to the point i couldnt do my every day dues, I failed the semester, i was scared to leave my bed, smoke pot, get drunk, get close to other man. I just felt like dying how could I be gay? I didnt have plenty of gfs but i had some and had sex w many girls and enjoyed it. Even had a really homophobic phase in my life (hate to admit it but its the truth). And now I was thinking i could be gay. My whole life seemed like a lie all this time living a lie? or was it just a phase?

    So the girl and I decided to stop seeing each other cuz i felt like I was in love with her but she wasnt and she still had his boyfriend who was moving in w her in a couple of months. Then i had this huge panick attack that lasted like 2 hours so i called her almost crying telling her that i need her that i need to talk to her, she refused.

    Eventually she came back we had sex a couple of times after that and then her boyfriend moved in w her so we stopped seein each other again.

    In the mean time i decided to explore this new feelings i was goin thru.

    *Some explicit stuff coming ahead just lettin u know*
    I started experimenting w gay porn, at first it was meh to me but then it started to get more appealing and actually got me off, i watched some transexual porn too and enjoyed it, but felt very guilty after i came. And this displeasent feeling of not wanting to be gay was still there.

    The fear got even worse i started wondering that maybe i wasnt just homosexual but a transgender, started goin back to places in my past. And blamed my new found gayness on this and that and said to myself stuff like "now it all makes sense, i must be gay beacause of this thing that happened or that"

    Once a friend of mine asked me to kiss him but more of in a brotherly love way, at first i rejected him but he insisted and i gave in. i felt totally disgusted about it. So i told my self "See i tried it already and didnt liked it I cant be gay" then the other part of me told me "You are masturbating to gay porn and feeling like you are gay then you must be gay"

    I decided to experiment anal masturbation and see if I liked it and i didnt the idea of it gets me horny but once i do it it feels awkward and doesnt turn me on at all. I had only used my fingers at that point so I told myself maybe if i use something bigger it will feel better so I tried and didnt liked it.

    I kept strugglin w this feelings the girl came back and we had sex again even thou her boyfriend now lives w her.

    I still have this confusion inside me i dont feel as sad or depressed as I once was but im still not convinced of anything. I tell myself im gay and try to play by that book but i just doesnt feel alright something inside me tells me im not gay, same goes when i tell myself im bi or when i tell myself im straight.

    Dunno if im man enough to go out and have sex w other man. The idea of it just frightens me. I had my whole life planned or at least i had a picture of what i wanted for the future, but now the future seems so uncertain, so fragile. Dunno how one day out of the blue the idea of me being gay came to my mind.

    I have not talked about this w anyone and im already feelin relieved while im writing this yet I dont know if im gay bi straight or just goin insane.

    I laid off the drugs cuz they just made this fear and unpleasant feelings stronger, i still see this girl and i think im not in love w her but i still like her very much, recently a female teacher was flirting w me and told me she wants to have sex with me, that made me feel so horny i had an urge to masturbate, and I did! to gay porn! hahaha. Dunno what is going on, hopefully one day I will find out. So thanks for reading if any1 actually did.

    Any advice or comment is apreciated Happy 2013 every1.
     
  2. amoamaru

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    Wow its been a while, seems like no one cared about this. Whatever, Im still at the same point, no progress has been made, Im still wondering if im gay or straight.
    Everyday I try convince myself to just go with the flow and let time figure this out, other times I try to convice myself that Im straight and some others that Im gay.
    Im really really trying to be comfortable with being gay but something inside me just doesnt fit. Im still talking to this girl and still romantically interested in her, I've never been interested in a male person romantically nor sexually. Havent met a person yet that makes me feel that way. I just watched gay porn to try and figure this out and yes I've been able to get off to it but still something doenst feel quite right. I also try to sit at the idea that im bisexual but I still feel something is not right I feel like im trying to convince myself of either just because I cant deal with myself anymore. I manage to have some really good days and try not to think about this situation.

    But then some other days I just feel like dying, I feel like nothing in the world is worth shit and that im slowly losing my mind, sometimes i feel like the world is fake and everything is just in my imagination. One day i was laying on a matress with this girl i like and my roomate, then suddenly everything became really quiet and I looked at them and they didnt seem to move, they looked like statues. I talked to them but they didnt said anything. I was really scared and had to go to the mirror and look at myself to relax a little and see I was real, but the reflection made me sick It was me but somehow it wasnt. Eventually I came back and they answered they where just really hi and quiet.
    Sometimes when it rains I feel like if i was living in a movie set and the lightining were artificially made, they just look like that and as if the rain was fake.

    I dont know what to do anymore, has anyone had a similar experience? This is getting scarier everyday sometimes i feel a rush of strenght and willpower like if the happy me was trying to come back from under all this sadness and confusion I buried him beneath. I dont care if im bi or gay or straight I just want to be certain! I just want this to end any way it has to end so I can go on with my life! And if Im gay i dont want to play with this girls feelings anymore and wasting my time there and if Im not i wanna be able to enjoy a healty relationship with her not a relationship were im questioning my orientation every time and being scared about realizing im gay latter on and hurting her feelings or not being able to have sex with her or have an erection or whatever.

    Phew even if no one comments this helps relieve some stress.
     
  3. myheartincheck

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    Well first off, I want to say congrats on quitting the drugs and I'm very glad you were able to get all this written down somewhere. That is an excellent first step to coming out to yourself.

    Porn isn't often a good indication of someone's sexual orientation. For instance, I watched guyxguy porn in the past and enjoyed it. However, if you are questioning this much it is a possibility you're bisexual. Maybe you just lean more to girls, though I can't label your sexuality for you.

    It took alot of courage to write all that so kudos! :thumbsup: It sounds like you've experienced alot, and in time you will discover your orientation and find who you're meant to be with whether it's a man or woman. I'm sorry I couldn't help much, but I think writing it all down probably helps you the most anyhow. ^_^
     
  4. CptnBeefheart

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    You probably have HOCD
     
  5. AKTodd

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    Ok, going to try to reply to several different things here. In so particular order:

    a) If you haven't gotten off the drugs (I'm not entirely sure from your post, maybe I just missed that bit), you need to take steps to do so immediately. It's possible they are contributing to some of the anxiety and other mental issues you are experiencing.

    b) Having the occasional gay thought does not mean you are gay. You may be bi, you may be straight and just having the occasional gay thought.

    c) Watching and getting off to gay porn doesn't necessarily mean you are gay. It might, but it's also possible you are either bi or are simply getting off to the 'exotic' or 'naughty' nature of the porn. Think about the lingerie industry. Why do women go and get sexy underwear and both sexes will get costumes (fabric or leather or whatever) or roleplay if not to do something different or pretend to do something 'forbidden'? You may be doing something similar here.

    d) Liking anal stimulation (or anal sex) is not a necessary part of being gay. While many guys like this (many straight guys too btw), not all do.

    e) If you don't find the thought of sex with a guy enjoyable, then you don't need to do it and causing yourself emotional distress by constantly worrying about it isn't helping. Try to relax and let it go.

    I honestly don't have any strong sense that you're gay. However, you do seem to have a lot of things going on, including a lot of anxiety around this issue. I would suggest working to get off the drugs if you are still on them and possibly seeking some sort of counseling to help you work through the anxiety you are feeling. At the end of this process, or as part of it, you may have a better sense of what your orientation may be.

    My 2c worth,

    Todd
     
  6. amoamaru

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    I wrote a reply but i f'ed up and lost all what i had written, I will try to write down the things I remember.

    Well just by reading and leaving a comment here you are helping very much, thanks for your kind words girl, hopefully I will figure this out soon. Im just glad I found a place with people willing to listen or read or w/e how Im feeling so I no longer have to keep all this to myself :slight_smile:

    Well I have read about HOCD but as far as i know theres little evidence on it, some people even say its just a way antigay thinkers have to try to convice gay people in denial that they are straight but just have a mental condition. I much rather try and give a shot at trying to figure this out on my own before I seek medical attention, I think im capable of doing it by myself, but thanks for your reply.

    Hi Todd, thanks for your reply. Well sometimes it gets hard just to let it go, I try not to worry too much about it but sometimes its just impossible. Almost everything triggers this kind of thoughts. Whenever I see other guy, regardless of the looks, my mind starts running about this thing almost unvoluntarily.

    The other day I was riding a cab driven by this old ugly fat and greasy dude that barely fitted in the drivers seat (nothing against big ppl I have a couple of extra pounds myself im just trying to describe what my first impression of this guy was). And I started thinking how would it be if I messed around with him, it wasnt arousing nor exciting. It was just frightening and unpleasant. I tried to get it out of my mind as fast as possible as I tried to keep a poker face till I got off the car.

    Right now Im visiting the city I moved from to the place I live now and a couple of days ago it was my friend's birthday so he threw a party at his place. I was having a good time catching up with friends I haven seen in a long time, at one point of the night I was sitting on a couch and my friend came and sat next to me.

    We've met each other for many years and when I used to live here we were really close, so we started talking about the past and stuff and then he put his arm around me but in a friendly way just like you know showing the affection he has for me and well he was happy to be talking to me after all that time so was I. But having his arm around me made me very uncomfortable, I guess i did some kind of gesture because he noticed and moved it away. Back in the day me and my male friends used to show affection to each other with a kiss on the cheek, now I dont even want to think what would happen if any of them tried to do so.

    Also I remember we used to send each other gay porn animated gifs to prank on each other. We were like "Oh look at this I found its very cool/funny/etc" and when u clicked on the link there was a dude sucking on other dude or something like that. It was funny, we were disgusted by it, but now im masturbating to it, what the hell happened? when did everything changed? and most important, Why did it changed?!

    I used to love smoking pot, it was like a big part of me. Dont get me wrong im not saying that pot made me who I am or was or that shaped my personality in some way. But I used to have such a good time doing it. I loved smoking a joint and going out on a bike ride, or smoking before walking my dog, while watching a movie or playing videogames. Im an artist so I loved smoking and drawing I enojyed it very much. But now it only makes me paranoid and gets this confusion so intense it is almost unbearable so I decided to quit. Hell, I even smoked before going to my martial arts practice.

    That is other aspect of my life that is getting affected by this, I havent trained in a while I stopped training before I started thinking this way, and been wanting to return but I just very scared that I will get a hard on while wrestling with some guy or dont know it makes me very uncomfortable just being around other men let alone wrestling one. Also I cant watch Mixed Martial Arts my favorite sport anymore without this kind of thought coming to my mind. Two half naked men dry humping each other its kinda difficult to watch feeling the way I do, Ha!

    Im also holding back on the booze because I fear I would get drunk and try to kiss some random dude or something.

    I just cant explain myself how everything changed, and why it did. Am I just confused and making a big deal about this? Am I really gay but in denial? Am I just going insane?
    I just feel like this big baby who cant do nothing but just whine about himself. I used to be happy, I used to look at girls and fantasize about them a lot. You see Im a very horny guy, always been and whenever I saw a girl I liked I started to undress her in my mind and imagined how would it be if we had sex and all the nasty things i would do to her if i happened to lay my hands on her. But now i feel like my sexual drive towards girls is decaying and well my attraction towards men makes me feel uncomfortable and scared and all the gay fantasies I've had have been creepy, scary, intimidating and most of all unwanted and not enjoyable.

    I wish I could just push a button to make me gay or straight its not the possibility of being gay what is diminishing my quality of life, but the constant struggle in my mind and the back and forth being gay, straight or bi assuring im making just to take it back a few seconds after "being certain" about it. And what annoys me the most is that I dunno why everything changed or how, it just did...

    So thanks all for your kind replies and for reading. Any further advice or comment is very much appreciated and helps this confused man to cope with this feelings and makes me hope of a brighter tomorrow where I no longer need to obsess with if I wanna sleep with dudes only or if Im going thru a phase or just like both women and men.

    Cya.
     
  7. Maggan19

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    Going throug the exact same thing right now. EXACTLY. Hanging on to this thread. Going to see how it lands with an open mind. Don't be scared. You learn a lot about who you are when you let the fear go!