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Advice: My Sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Jamipaau, Feb 9, 2013.

  1. Jamipaau

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    Welcome. Thanks for spending the time to read this blog post.
    My name is Jackie. I am currently a 16 year old female. I am struggling with identifying my sexuality and accepting it. Be forewarned-I will be very blunt and honest as I write this. I don't mean to offend anyone but I'm speaking from experience.
    I am raised in a Catholic household. My mother teaches religious education at our church and is connected in over living a religious lifestyle. I've always considered myself a spiritual person. I even considered entering the convent a few years back. I remember times throughout my life when I turned to God to help me out. But, I don't know if I believe God is here with me when it comes to understanding my sexuality. I'm beginning to loose my faith and I'm so afraid.
    I have been considered a "nice person." I believe this stems from my inner need to please others, natural capability to lend a helping hand, and my natural anxiety about what people think of me. I find that being kind-hearted makes me feel better and makes the world seem like a safer place.
    Ever since I was a small child, I never had crushes. I always thought crushes were for adults. When I saw kids in my class kiss in 6th grade, I felt too old and I didn't like that. I believe that's why I'm such a prude when it comes to sexuality but I think my religious upbringing also had something to do with this.
    As I grew, I realized that I would have crushes when people pushed me to. Like, for example, my friend asked if I had a boyfriend. I'd say no and they would retaliate by asking if I crushed on someone. I'd quickly scan the area around us to find an acceptable boy that was sweet to me. I never crushed on them, but I crushed on the feeling that I would be considered normal if I was with them.
    From an early age, I also realized I had a domestic discipline fetish. I know it sounds very silly, but I was excited when I saw spanking scenes on shows such as Little House on the Prairie or in movies. I would actively seek these stories and videos. More in a curious way, not in a sexualized way. I wanted to have someone care for me afterwards and I wanted to be made a better person.
    Last year, I realized that I wanted this to become a reality. I started to become interested in "soft porn" and young female bodies. Especially, bottoms. I also didn't want to have male genitals in a sexual relationship and I grew disgusted with the thought. I also felt that maybe if I fell in love with the man that would change, but felt very unsure.
    I began to obsess over my sexuality- being a lesbian or gay person- around last year. I am always up to date on queer news and know which companies support freedom to love. I spend many hours of the day contemplating my future. I don't think there is much to be happy. There isn't a predestined path or script to follow if I am gay. I spent hours emotional. I've watched documentaries, queer-television, and studies on LGBT people. I have so much compassion for all people, but I have a special place in my heart for my gay brothers and sisters. I also strongly believe I might be one of them.
    I can imagine myself with a woman more than with a man. I've also had crushes on other females and find it very sexy to be kissing one. But, on the other hand, I want to be loved and love another girl. Have kids, raise a family, etc.
    I have to leave now but I'd like to post some more about my story. I'd be interested to hear if you have similar experiences. And any :help: you have to offer.
    If any of you would like to chat, feel free to stop by. I'm friendly and a good listener.
    -Jackie.
     
  2. Ianthe

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    Hi Jackie,
    Welcome to Empty Closets. Sorry this took so long to get a response!

    It does seem like you are gay. Your post is mostly narrative, though, rather than questions, so I'm not sure how to respond. Are you still questioning? Are you having difficulty accepting yourself, because of your religious background?
     
  3. OMGWTFBBQ

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    Your reasons for thinking you are gay sound very direct and undiluted to me. l don't think your sexuality has been influenced by much more than what you feel inside.

    But you have PLENTY of time and l think all young people should take as much time as they need and want to while processing it.

    So welcome :slight_smile:
     
  4. newgirl31

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    Welcome and so glad you found this site! It has been great for me in dealing with my struggles...I didn't get here until later in life though so GO YOU for really getting honest and open at an earlier age!!

    I wanted to share that I am convinced God is supporting me through this process. Certain people in our society try to use God as a way to shame us but I know your/our God loves you and is there for you to lean on! I have been praying everyday for God to "help on my journey to discover my sexuality and find love" and I believe 100 percent that it was a spiritual thing that I realized that I was living a lie trying to not be gay. God knew it was killing me and that I needed to accept myself so I could be happy and live my life...which includes love, sex, companionship.

    As for fetishism, for me I think it was linked to me repressing my sexuality and emotional connects in certain ways. That might just be me though! I think when it is mixed with a balanced life that includes love and human connection it is fulfilling to explore.