Questioning sexuality...?

Hello all! As you can probably guess I'm new here. This site popped up when I did a search to what has been bothering me, so I figured you may be able to help. This topic may be rather long, so I apologize in advance for the wall of text you are about to see.


As the topic states I've been questioning my sexuality. But honestly I'm not really sure why. Growing up I can always remember having crushes on girls. Never really considered being in a relationship with a guy. Was always rather sure I was straight. Throughout high school I was madly in love with a girl who was one of my best friends. We had dated off and on. Again, never really a problem. Then somewhere around the end of my senior year I started questioning my sexuality. I'm not even sure when or how it started. I just remember waking up one day and not being able to get the thought "I'm gay" out of my mind. Which is odd because I could really careless if I were or not. It's uncertainty that bothers me. The fact that the question keeps popping in my head over and over again. Prior to it starting the only thing I can remember is that I stopped being sexually aroused when thinking of the girl I mentioned before. Or any girl I could think of for that matter. And that's when it all went downhill. I would start testing myself. I'm just not sure why it happened all of a sudden. I've always imagined getting married to a woman, having kids, and settling down.

I'm not sure if it plays a part. But I have the feeling it does. The amount of times I masturbate is rather frequent. It's increased over the years. When it originally started I would just use imagine and think about girls. I'll admit I did do it thinking about guys a couple times. But not like anyone I knew, actors. But then I moved on to porn. Which I started lesbian porn (I mean I'd watch straight porn, but in my opinion 2 girls were better than a girl and a guy). Then it eventually moved on to gay porn and shemales. I mean I have gay fantasies from time to time. But I honestly don't think I would ever act on it. Like I said I don't really have much interest in guys. Like I've been drunk with a friend and the thought of doing something with him crossed my mind, but I never did it. However, if I'm drunk around women, I want to try and find one to take home. It's odd. I have messed around with a girl before. Though it was just oral sex I enjoyed both giving and receiving it. Or at least I think I did. I mean if I didn't enjoy it I wouldn't have kept doing it right?

I know one big problem for me has always been worrying. I worry about a lot of things. Until I have confirmation of something being one way or another I just constantly worry more and more. Also. I don't really talk to guys. I mean, I'll talk to them at work or something. But I prefer talking to girls. On facebook or when I text, it's almost always talking to a girl. If you're a guy I don't really want to talk to you unless its business related.

As far as attractiveness goes. I'll recognize when a guy is attractive. But then I keep questioning myself because I guess I think that if I think he's attractive that means I like him. But like in big group situations I don't find myself memorized by the hot guy on the side of the room. I mean I'll see him and get like nervous because I realize he's attractive and that makes me think I like him. No. It's usually one of the cute girls that has my attention. Maybe I'm just worrying too much. Like when I think sometimes my words get replaced in my head and it annoys me. Like I'll think "Wow that girl is really cute" and in my mind it will randomly switch it to "guy" even though I'm looking right at the girl. This whole thing had gone away for a bit, but now it's coming back in full force. I'm quite sure why.


Thanks for any answers in advance. Sorry again for such a long post.

 

Hmm thanks for input. I guess the fact that I'm constantly worrying about it is an indication that its just harmless worrying.

And no, I don't really think there's anything I'm denying. Doesn't really feel like it. I honestly don't think I would have any interest in kissing a guy. Hmm.