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Extremely Confused About My Sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by gem1715, Feb 11, 2013.

  1. gem1715

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    I am a 20 year old girl in college. I am beyond confused at this point.
    I've never been especially attracted to guys. (I can count the amount of crushes I've had on one hand.) Anytime I was attracted it would mostly be personality based. I can't think of the last time I looked at a guy and thought, "he's sexy". Anytime I would, it was forced.
    Starting around 7th or 8th grade I started to freak out a little wondering what was wrong with me but I always pushed it away because I 100% assumed I was straight. No question.
    But as I've gotten older I swear the attraction to men has decreased. I can totally understand that a guy is really attractive but I'm not necessarily be attracted TO him.
    I have only ever had close girl friends. I always assumed I was just super shy around guys (which is actually really true) but I'm starting to wonder if it's more because I just wasn't interested..? Over the past several years the words "boyfriend" and "husband" have sounded foreign. Once again, I just assumed it was because of my shyness and that I had never had a boyfriend. But over the years any time anyone would mention anything pertaining to being gay a little voice in the back of my head would say "Yup, that's me". But I kept telling myself that it was just that I was afraid of being a lesbian.
    So now, present day, I have become very close to my best friend (who currently has a girlfriend). For the first time I let myself explore my feelings and I really think that I like her...a lot. (Side note, this is also personality based.)
    Every day I become more confused. At least a dozen times a day I come to different conclusions. One second I think that I'm a lesbian, another second later I think that I'm straight and going through a phase. Sometimes I think that maybe I'm bi or pansexual.
    The thing that worries me is that because I spent so long training myself to act like the other girls by always finding guys attractive, I've actually lost track of what are my own thoughts and what are ones I think I'm SUPPOSED to have.
    Another thing that worries me is that I think I actually would prefer to be a lesbian...it would make so many things in my life make sense. But what if that's not actually who I am? What if I'm just making myself think I'm a lesbian? Or maybe I'm actually still in denial.
    I don't want to come to the wrong conclusion and hurt myself or anyone else.
    Sorry this is so jumbled, I just don't know what to do.
    Thank you for taking the time to read this. Any advice/help would be incredibly appreciated!
     
    #1 gem1715, Feb 11, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2013
  2. MerBear

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    well first off , i would like to point out your gender says male correct me if im wrong or mislead here

    2nd of all, i'd like to say....my attraction towards guy has decreased to but im questioning if i was ever attracted to guys ...i mean my sister said i was boy crazy and i was per say but i mean....i don't know...this guy Kyle , i was obsessed with ....and he made me cry ....but i got over it pretty quickly ...

    im still figuring it out too but i know im not straight
    And it seems your not straight to me.....

    but im not the one who decided that. you are.

    sorry if i wasn't that much help , i'll try to help some more if you need anymore advice
     
  3. Tetraquark

    Tetraquark Guest

    I'm in almost exactly the same situation! I can't offer much advice on how to get out of it, but I've found that looking at the questioning in a positive light, like an adventure or a chance to discover something new (as cheesy as that is), can at least make it less stressful. I keep reminding myself that I don't have to know right now what my orientation is. If I want to date women, then there is nothing wrong with dating women, even if I'm not sure about my orientation. Isn't that the whole point of dating -- to discover whether you really could be in a relationship with that person? Exploration is perfectly okay. I also try to remember that over-thinking it doesn't help.
     
  4. worriedWardrobe

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    LABELS! Labels are awful. Take some time to explore. See what feels right to you, then if you find that you like a certain label, use it. Don't try to slap a label on yourself too early
     
  5. stars

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    AHHH okay I may be tearing up a little. I can’t help you out, but I know I am in the same predicament as you. Most everything you typed I can relate to perfectly! It bothers me when people are like; don’t worry about labels, let love be. It’s like, I kinda have to figure this out so I can come to acceptance with myself. I wouldn’t just jump into a lesbian relationship and be like; oh, mom and dad and all my friends, yeah, I’m just trying this out. And I am sure most of the lesbian women wouldn’t like that as well. They want a serious relationship and if I am just “taking them for a test ride” I’m quite sure most people don’t like to be used and have their heart thrown to the side if things don’t work out. So here I am, stuck. I feel the same way as you though... I know. It doesn’t help. I want to believe I am lesbian or at least bi. So, I guess if you want that too, then honestly, just go for what you want. :confused::eusa_danc
     
  6. TheCatLady

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    OMG, we are so similar...Sometimes I am not able to tell what it's real and what has been created by years of pretending to be straight...Sometimes I think that I have "convinced" myself to be a lesbian, because I want to, and so I think "if you want it, then it's a choice and being gay it's not a choice", etc ... But I think that this is the acceptance stage...the mind is playing tricks to avoid the truth...
     
  7. volvo6x

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    Just reading off the part till you have feeling for your girlfriend made me think that you're lesbian to me.
    Then you were mentioning that you are accustomed to find men attractive in later paragraph. I guess it would be great if you could elaborate more on this point, because earlier, you were clarifying that you were "not necessarily attracted TO him"
    Maybe a few concrete questions would be like how are you reacting to the attractive guy? would you desire to be closed to him? want to flirt? etc...
     
  8. gem1715

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    To answer your questions, when I see a random attractive guy I really don't have any desire to be close to him. I just notice that he is attractive and carry on with whatever I'm doing. I've never been one to "flirt" with anyone, I'm very "don't speak unless spoken to" so I can't say that I've ever seen an attractive guy and wanted to flirt with him. But I don't think I've ever felt that for a girl either. I definitely have a larger desire to be near certain girls but when it comes to flirting, that's just not what I do with anyone.

    From what I can tell, strong attraction for me comes from personality. At the moment I feel very attracted to my friend who is a girl, but maybe a year from now I'll find a guy who I feel attracted to..?

    I'm just so confused... :confused:
     
  9. Liz1968

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    I'm in the same situation as a lot of the other posters (am I gay? am I straight? Bisexual??) and I am trying to just take it one day at a time and see it as an adventure, but it's so hard. I thought I was done growing up and getting to know myself, and now it seems like there's this huge part of me I did not even address. Thanks for being a good example :slight_smile: