This story isnt special. oh this is going to be boring. lol So four years ago, I was a senior in high school. I was a loner throughout high school going through depression and feeling isolated. Though I was on the basketball team, my love for the game wasnt there anymore. My mind was always on things that were deep. I did lot of thinking back then,still do, because whenever I speak, people couldnt understand me. Felt no need trying to talk if people cant understand you. That was my mentality. Plus the things I enjoyed, I felt my surroundings and community wouldnt understand it. Plus there others things but I want to get the point. So, I was always an outcast. So ideas of friendship and romantic relationship I threw out the window. That changed in my senior year. So it was the first day of school, I went to class and took my seat. There were two chairs left and one was next to me. A girl and boy entered. The boy sat next me because he had no choice. My initial reaction was " why did have to seat here", knowing he was "different". Quickly I changed my mentality cause I refused to be like the others who judge and insult others and knew that my initial reaction was because I was thinking on how others see him. He didnt say much in that class and when he did, I would listen closely to his words. I felt I saw a bit of me in him. I had wanted to be friends with him. Then that feeling of wanting to be friends gradually change to potential love. I couldnt believe it. After believing i cant feel love, here suddenly a boy got me feeling these strong feelings. They were purely emotional. And it was shocking because I knew I was attracted to females. I just felt valueless to them. lol So I was heavily draw to this boy. He gave me a reason to go to school, only hoping to see him. When classes are over with, I be on the look out and searching for him but just from the distant. I was obsess. I wont lie One day I slip up. In the class we had together, He had his head down on the desk sleeping. I was looking at him. This was my opportunity to see this beautiful person sleep softly. As I looked at him, oblivious to the world, he suddenly opened his eye while glazing directly at me. He knew. I fallen for his trap, I guess. lol. I quickly turn my head. Man, why he had to do something like that. I wasnt ready. lol Nothing happen though. I would just look from the distant. I graduate and never saw the boy ever again. except, when I was driving with my mom and saw him walking by himself. I gave out a laugh that was full of pain. I regret that with all my heart. It been years sometimes I still cry. I try to forget but it so hard. My greatest joy became my greatest pain. Now I have neighbors who are also "different". A good bit of them here too. They move over here a few months ago. Part of me wish they knew and help me out. But who want to be that person? I feel like I will be burden on them. Plus they may think im crazy and a person with issues. But i'm a person with issues. lol That want to solve them. See I have no one to go to with this. Part of me feel that I will be rejected by the lgbt community though I wish to explore. Seem that mostly everyone knew they were "different" either as kids and early teens. I wish I knew earlier, if i am. Probably could have done something with that boy cause it wouldnt be new. I feel like im wasting my life. I want advice. Cause I clearly dont know what to do. I will happily answer any question. sorry if the story seem too long.
firstly, i think you need to stop being so negative towards everything you say about yourself. saying you felt "valueless" is not something you want to ever think about yourself. We all have something to offer... even when we put ourselves down, other people have the ability to judge you and know how great of a human being you are. Now, the boy in your class... you COULD have done something about it... but you didn't, that is done and over with. I don't understand WHY you cried when you saw him walking alone??? maybe the emotional attachment to this boy is STILL there? If you ever see him again, simply say "hello" that's pretty much all it takes to start a conversation with him. If you never see him again then it's okay... life goes on for you AND him. and about talking to people about your "situation"... this site is a gr8 place to start
I just figured out I am gay in my 30s so you will prob be surprised what you find in the LGBTQ community support groups! It sounds like this relationship was so painful to lose and my heart goes out to you. But you should be proud of yourself! You are here and finding the strength to find love and happiness! It sounds like you do what I sometimes do...exaggerate bad qualities that I imagine I have but usually don't. Like you are NOT boring or crazy. This thread was written with much passion so obviously you have that and it is a great quality. (*hug*)
Hi there, Welcome to EC I can relate to this in a way. I wasn't into the stuff that everyone else in my school was into so was an outcast in a lot of ways. I had pretty much decided that I didn't want to have kids or be married sometime in junior high or high school. Had pretty much decided I had no need of friends by the time I started college (although deep down inside I really wanted friends). <snip> I guess my first thought is: How well do you know these neighbors? If you've never spoken to them so far (or only talked about basic 'neighbor' stuff) then introducing yourself and immediately moving into this issue might be a bit...fast for them. A better option might be to talk with the folks here. Likely between everyone a lot of your questions can be answered and you can be pointed toward groups in your area who can also help you and are specifically set up for that purpose. Everyone needs help sometimes and there's no reason to be ashamed of it EC can be a pretty great place to go to from everything I've seen in my short time here. Why do you feel that the LGBT community would reject you? If it helps, I didn't realize/conclude I was gay until I was 21. I was certainly 'different' at a younger age but didn't think of it in sexual terms. For a lot of years (up until I entered college) it never occurred to me that anyone would like me for the person I was. It wasn't until I was 19 that it entered my conceptual universe that someone might find me attractive. I'd say your story is exactly as long as it needs to be As far as giving advice or answering questions, there are lots of people happy to do both here. With that in mind, what sort of answers or advice are you looking for? What questions do you have? Hope this helps, Todd
Thank you. And everyone is clearly right. I have to put this behind. I need to change my thinking. I know I can do it. So thank you. MrPotato, newgirl31, and AKTodd.
Thanks for sharing that story! I think we can all be super hard on ourselves. I can also definitely relate to feeling like things would have been different if I had realized things earlier and I don't always feel like part of the LGBT community either. I think that it is just going to take more time, and that's okay! I think that coming here on EC is a really great place to start
