I'm in serious therapy right now because I felt the need to resolve my issues. My OCD has diminished in 4 sessions already just by feeling the feelings that were blocked by my OCD. It has shown me that I am heterosexual based on my clear sexual attraction for women - way more than for men at least. Here is the catch though: the issue I'm having now is that I have a strong pull to have intimate connection with men, to make love to them, and so on. And I fantasize about them much more than women (and it bugs me), and it feels romantically good. So maybe I'm a Kinsey 1. The reason I say it bugs me and that I'm only a Kinsey 1, if anything, is because when I turn my mind to women, I immediately get way more aroused, and it feels so much more right, whereas getting sexually stimulated to the thought of a guy feels really much worse to me. So my question: Why am I having this pull towards guys? That I would do ANYTHING for them, in spite of the fact that sexually I have always been and still am much more aroused by women. Do you think it could be an outlet for being possessive over friends when I was a kid, because I had trouble making/keeping them back then? Or am I innately heterosexual homoromantic? Do you think it could be just a psychological issue (the homoromantic part), that can be resolved in therapy? I'd love to be on the same page in my sexual orientation, whether either gay or straight. I hate the idea of being split like that. And if sexual orientation doesn't change, then maybe I can be heterosexual/heteroromantic. If I were homosexual, I would be happy to be both homosexual/homoromantic, but I'm not, so I'd like to be on the same page in my heterosexuality.
At first it seems as if I could like it, but then after being able to finally conjure up the thought of a woman, the thought of a guy is unpleasant. Also, the thought of finishing to a guy seems really unpleasant, whereas with the thought of a girl it feels absolutely right to me.
Question: Were you ever in a situation where it was stated, intentionally or unintentionally, that Man+Man is bad? like a overly-religious household or friends? Anything to that nature.
I don't think that it was stated. I know my mom wouldn't want me to be gay, but I don't have anything against homosexuals. I also know that she would be open to it if I was, and would be accepting and loving anyway. She said so herself when I posed the question. Also, I wouldn't be on this forum as a straight guy if I didn't feel I was accepting. I like to think of myself as accepting and totally cool with gay people, hopefully in the same way I'm cool with straight people. Sexual orientation really makes no difference to me, one way or another. I think it's just important to me to be on the same page sexually/romantically, because being in a relationship with a girl whom I'm very sexually attracted to, I'd also like to know whether the romantic part is an innate component or was it psychologically formed in some way. For example, if you are gay and you have been romantically attracted to women in the past (though not sexually), is there a point in your life where you become more comfortable being romantically attracted to men, hence being fully comfortable as a homosexual? And I wonder if there become instances like that for a straight guy like myself, where my romantic orientation becomes more in line with my sexual one.
Internalized homophobia can be a funny thing. One can grow up in an accepting household and be totally accepting of other gay people, but still not be okay with the idea of them themselves being gay. We see that in posts on this forum all the time, with people posting things like, "I'm so accepting of the gay people I know, so why am I having trouble accepting myself?" As with many things, the standards we have for ourselves are often more restrictive than the standards we hold other people to. So you can be totally accepting of gay people, but still subconsciously be not okay with the idea of you yourself being gay. Another issue is this: our orientations aren't like hair color; we can't just look inside ourselves and go, "Yep, homosexual," or "Yep, heteroromantic." It's more like whether we're left- or right-handed, in that we have to observe the way it manifests itself to make any conclusions about it. With our handedness, that's significantly easier because there's no stigma around being left-handed, so we just use whatever hand comes more easily to us and conclude that that's our dominant hand. With sexual and romantic orientation, however, it's not as easy because it's such a loaded issue for so many people. I would just suggest that you keep that in mind going forward, that you can only figure out your romantic and sexual orientation based on your experiences, so if you haven't been able to have certain experiences, you won't know whether you can. Have you ever been in a position where you could have fallen in love with a specific girl? How about a specific guy? Romantic attraction is hard to think about in the abstract because there are so many psychological hang-ups that can get in the way of thinking about them objectively, so I would suggest going on your actual experiences when trying to figure that out.
hey man i stumbled upon your post because it was posted on my birthday. It was so eerily similar to my situation that i had to message you. I have HOCD, i dont care what others say about whether it exists or not. No matter what conclusions i draw or settle upon i am constantly obsessing over being gay. I rationalize and rerationalize it daily no matter what. It has been going on for a couple years and it is unbearable. I can't tell you how many i have said "im not gay i have only fucked girls, and get aroused kissing them and even just thinking about certain ones" then hours later ill think "i just looked at that guy and thought he was hot i must be gay" and the cycle starts again. I have settled my mind decently now, to the point that i recognize my attractions objectively. I can't label myself yet but I undoubtedly have some kind of attractions to both sexes. It has wrecked my mind terribly i haven't been myself for years because of the mental stress. I guess the point of this message is to say you are not alone, also Im wondering if you have any input that may help me? Also dude im a musician who is on the verge of blowing up i kid you not. So i thought this was too coincidental to not hit you up. Good luck and hope to hear back i have no answers for you just sympathy, you know how you feel its just calling it something thats getting to you Johnny
@Owen I think the reason I don't want to be gay is because I am attracted to women. I'm not that attracted to men, if really at all. Hard to tell with HOCD, if that's what it is. I think I have some psychological issues underneath the HOCD/questioning/whatever, and this is why I'm seeing a therapist. A lot of pain of not having enough male friends or being happy with my lack of friends at certain points in my life. I am realizing this because when I fantasize about men, I ask myself what I need from them. The answer is that it is not sexual. I just need their love, acceptance, forgiveness, whatever. When I connect with those feelings, and the feelings of anger of not being loved back in a friendly way, the lust (not even love, more like HOCD crap, which has nothing to do with the real desire I feel for women) goes away. Then it becomes much easier to think of women. As far as my past, it's been strictly women. I experimented when I was about 16, but found that I vastly enjoyed women more. I also attempted to kiss a man more recently, and it was like kissing cardboard, haha, no offense to the man. @johnny I hear you loud and clear. I am in therapy now for this, and whether I turn out to be gay, bi, or straight (my therapist thinks I'm straight, maybe he's right?), I just hope I can settle into my skin and be happy, and hopefully really reconnect with the feelings that are preventing me to be happy in my relationship with my g/f. Growing up, it was always females, female porn, etc. That made me feel good, not men. So I think there is a lot of pain that I'm eroticizing, which I might suspect the HOCD may be about, because I was practically completely straight in my attractions and also actions up until the last year. And growing less straight the past 3 years, but still, all about women. And I'm 27, so I'm not going through puberty here.
