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A chick in need of some perspective

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Underwhelmed, Feb 26, 2013.

  1. Underwhelmed

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    After trawling through masses of posts the last few days, think I’ve gathered enough bottle to submit my first :slight_smile: I am a 23 years old girl (lesbian) don't know if I can identify myself as this having only had relationships with men, and am still currently in one thats lasted 4 years. I understand this might be common may seem a little trivial in comparison to others issues but here I go.

    Since my teens I remember never being physically attracted to men, but always having a boyfriend and spending a great deal of time with men as this is where I am at my most comfortable. I knew I was attracted to women but never addressed it just hoped it would maybe disappear through time (naive of me yes) All of my friends (girls) are what I’d describe as very narrow minded, bordering on being homophobic so coming out to any of them was and still is never going to be an option. When I was 19 I came out to my mum of all people, what a cracking response from a cracking women she accepted it and told me not to rush anything just do things as I seen fit and when I see fit.

    Soon after this being back in denial I went on a date with a guy I'd known for years, as always got on with him fantastic. He worked away a lot and I began to think I was possibly attracted to him and questioned what I’d come out and said. I have been with this fantastic bloke since then and only recently I suppose have I felt again an attraction only to women. In hindsight the attraction to him was never sexual but more a glimmer of hope that maybe I could be the way I’d always desired.

    Now 4 years later I feel nothing but guilt for knowing (not fully) that this person/image I am conveying to him is a farce and a complete fake! I've split with him on numerous occasions, but always end up back with him. (Telling him is not even remotely an option, he struggles emotionally with a lot of things) it feels so strange but although the physical attractions not there I love him so deep in my heart I struggle to see life without him, although I understand its more because he is my best friend and the first man I thought I truly thought I had physical feelings for. To me coming out is not an option where I currently am, I’ve broached the idea with some friends who reply with its weird or not natural, I find it quite devastating to know that there is a possibility I’ll never share true intimacy with someone through my own cowardly ways.


    Sorry for the long spiel, I don’t know if its advice I’m looking for or someone to identify with my situation it’s such a strange mix of emotions that are coursing through my body that my emotional capacity seems to be at its limit and my mind feels like it’s going to implode. I am even racked with guilt writing this.

    Any response would be appreciated :slight_smile:
     
  2. nylondon

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    You can identify however you want, don't worry about past relationships.

    It's great that your mum reacted well when you came out to her. It sucks that your friends would not be understanding, though. May I ask what your situation in life is? Like, are you studying, working, etc. Is there a possibility in the near future of being able to move away and start afresh? From what you've described, especially with the whole situation with your boyfriend as well, it seems like that's what you need in order to start being true to yourself. That, plus friends who are pretty much homophobic, do not seem like a healthy environment, to be honest.
     
  3. newgirl31

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    I am so glad you took the leap to post! It is such a hard process to figure out who you are and what will make you happy and fulfilled. You DESERVE to be happy.

    For me I was always questioning deep down under walls of denial. When it hit me that I was living a lie, my first thoughts were also about how everyone would deal with it. But slowly I am gathering my own acceptance first. It is giving me strength to figure out the other things, ie how to tell friends, family, etc.

    I felt most comfortable w guys too. I preferred to just be "one of the guys" and "romantic" relationships with them also tended to be just this safe feeling. It was a way to prove to myself "see, I am in a hetero relationship so I must be hetero."

    As far as telling people, I told my mom and she said I prob just haven't found he right guy. With female friends, I am in a small conservative town so I fear they might be ignorant...assume I am attracted to them or something. I have gradually mentioned to them when they talk about hot guys or dating drama that "I am not sure i am even into guys, haha" And none of them even seems to notice (or pretends they don't) but for me it is a step toward not having to lie anymore and join in the "oh yeah he is sexy!" But that has been slow and not really fulfilling in terms of truly being honest. I have found a few people who are gay and I started gradually mentioning that I was questioning. Every step I take, mentioning to them my questioning, going on this website, it is gradually building my confidence....and hushing the mind-imploding thoughts :wink:

    As far as your bf, it is a difficult situation I bet. I have had friends that I dated and often when I thought I was saving their feelings I was holding them back too. You cannot hold yourself responsible for someone else's happiness, especially if it hinders you being happy. I am way more helpful as I happy friend than a depressed attempt at a partner.

    Please just keep posting! We are here for you! (*hug*)
     
  4. Underwhelmed

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    Thanks for the reply guys :slight_smile:

    Nylondon my current situation being that I live where I was brought up in a very small town where everyone knows everyone, their business included. I am currently in employment which in fairness allows me to get out and about my country quite a bit. I have on numerous occasions considered a fresh start just up sticks and effing off, but my confidence is pretty shitty (deep down anyway) and I’m unsure how I’d react being completely alone initially. Your spot on, it’s not healthy in the slightest although these friends aren’t open minded they are a cracking bunch of girls whom I’ve known for years and I completely accept anyone’s own preference or opinion therefore wouldn’t push it on anyone. (this is possibly a cop out) I can never imagine the words coming out of my mouth in any shape or form. I Often wonder if it’s possible to carry something like this with you all of your life without mentally exploding.

    newgirl 31 this is a really informative reply :slight_smile: it made me feel better reading it your words make perfect sense. It’s great that you’re gradually becoming more confident in telling others, whether they notice or not :wink: I completely admire it :slight_smile: and I think your mum’s response is a very natural reply for a mother. I for some reasons always get hung up thinking; my mums gutted as she’ll never be a mother of the bride which sounds incredibly strange. I know what you mean with being in hetro relationships as a way of gratifying the notion of being "straight", for yourself and I suppose others. I am in a very small town as you are and if truth be told I don’t personally know anyone other than straight people. Which is adding to the anxiety of being abnormal I suppose. It consumes my mind every day and is becoming more and more apparent, it’s so strange having people in your life but still feeling alone with your thoughts (queue the violins, I know this sounds cliché but it’s very accurate)
     
  5. newgirl31

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    Wow I read your reply to nylondon and I am seeing how you really could find support outside your town, through travel or eventually relocating. That may be a hard leap to imagine but just knowing it is a possibility should help.

    I have only been on this site for a month which seems crazy. It is building my confidence and I bet it will build yours to just keep reaching out here until more opportunities arise in our urgent situations!

    And yeah it must be a bummer for moms...but again I can actually imagine finding a loving partner now that I can fully love and I know my mom would love to see that...and who knows...might still get married in the future to her, have or adopt kids, have the white picket fence. It is still possible for us too!

    (!)
     
  6. Kgirl

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    Omg, this is totally how I was. I split with my boyfriend of 8 years(!), who I loved so much, purely because there was no physical attraction. I had to justify what the hell I was doing to myself so many times. But I think I made the right decision.

    Also, you're in Scotland. I can't believe there is no one around you who will accept you as gay, honestly. You sometimes just have to be brave. :slight_smile:
     
  7. Okay, my advice is just say that you can't be in a relationship right now because you are struggling with an emotional predicament. Later if he wants to know tell him it's just not something that you feel like discussing. Also l let him know that you are splitting up with him for good but that you would really like to keep the friendship going because not being friends is just not an option and
    I really would give you some of my life examples but they just don't apply to your situation.
    I really don't know what to tell you other that be honest, this site will build up your confidence, leave the boyfriend just be friends, and think about relocating.
    I really wish I could help you more but I don't know what to say.
     
  8. Underwhelmed

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    Oh lord 8 years? that must of taken some guts and very much sadness good on you. I know its the first thing I must address before getting anywhere near excepting. Think it can be easy to just fall back in to the supposed "norm"

    A very small town within Scotland I am situated though, it brain bursting. But thank you i'll perhaps address the straight relationship stuff, then to the brave i'll head. I will keep you posted :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 4th Mar 2013 at 12:35 PM ----------

    Thanks for the response your advice is spot on :slight_smile: i'm in the middle of addressing the boyfriend stuff there is no way in moving on whilst this is still hanging by a thread. My best friend he may be but I know I must let him go and find someone who can love every part of him. Mann this overthinking of our sexuality is tiring stuff.