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Talked to the campus counselor...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by gem1715, Feb 26, 2013.

  1. gem1715

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    So I talked to one of our campus counselor's about me questioning my sexuality (I had seen him all last semester to help with stress etc so he knows me well).
    I was looking forward to talking to him so much because I thought it might help me figure out my feelings for sure...but honestly he made me even more confused.

    He said that he thinks the feelings I have for my best friend are just a "friend crush" and nothing more. But I really think that it's more than that...but he's making me doubt myself now. I don't want to be wrong about what I'm feeling.

    It just made me angry because I felt like I was really starting to accept that I might be bi or lesbian but he just completely threw me off. I talked to my other friend (who is definitely a lesbian) and she said that the same counselor told her the same thing. So now I just plain don't trust him...but what if he's right about me? What if I'm just confused about my feelings?

    But I can't get my best friend out of my head.

    Ughhh...sorry this is not organized at all, I just needed to get this out.
    Any advice/help would be much appreciated!
    Thanks!!! :slight_smile:
     
    #1 gem1715, Feb 26, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2013
  2. Chloe

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    I can't make an assessment without more information, but plenty of counselors and psychologists are misinformed and make inaccurate statements. Is that one supposedly knowledgeable about LGBT matters?
     
  3. BudderMC

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    Well, do you have feelings for any other girls or boys besides your friend?
     
  4. newgirl31

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    My first therapist was great about tons of things, but like what was mentioned I think just misinformed. It took so much to tell her and talk about my questioning and then she said I was probably using it as a way to avoid things. And then something even more inaccurate...that most people know in their early teens! She said it with such authority...but like you I was so angry...and more doubtful than ever.

    But then I thought my anger was a good sign. It ended up making me more sure of how I felt.

    I am so sorry you had this annoying, painful experience.
     
  5. LoveMusicPoetry

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    I am actually going to see the counsellor at my college tomorrow, although I think she will probably be more helpful. This might be a personal question, but, do you have sexual feelings towards your friends? Do you think about doing sexual things with her? If you do, then I'd say it was pretty obvious that you do have some tendancy towards liking girls. To what extent is not clear, but if you have sexual desires towards her then you clearly aren't completely straight. I was talking to a lady who is a counsellor for an LGBT charity this evening and I was telling her about my feelings. We both agreed that sexual feelings about a person of the same sex probably couldn't be fabricated, you either have them or you don't.

    Is there an LGBT support group or helpline you could call? You could talk to somebody who actually knows what they're on about then, rather than somebody who, it sounds like, makes judgements on prejudice rather than a proffessional basis.
     
  6. gem1715

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    Sorry to not give much information, I've posted before and just didn't feel like writing the whole story again. But it would probably be helpful to tell everything.

    So ever since 8th grade I had a feeling in the back of my mind that I wasn't straight. I never thought much about it and just pushed it away - I just simply assumed that I was straight and that these thoughts were just a fear of being gay (I don't want that to sound bad, I was fairly sheltered growing up and only knew that being gay was different and that I didn't want that). I was definitely a tomboy growing up. I hated dresses and always wore pants and sweaters and stuff. So, looking back I began remembering that I almost always made myself have crushes on guys. I didn't even think about guys like that until I noticed that my other friends did - I just wanted to fit in. So every once in awhile I'd realize that it had been a long time since I had a crush and I would just pick a guy and be like, yup I have a crush on him.
    But I remember that I always wanted to be closer with girls. I always kept my distance from guys (I assumed that it was just my shyness) but I was much more comfortable around other girls. I wanted them to like me and be friends with me. I'm starting to wonder now if there was more to that than what I saw at that age. There was one girl who I would have done anything for. I saw her as my best friend because I couldn't really describe the feelings I had for her. At the time I honestly thought nothing of it, but I feel like that may have been a natural crush, something I never had with a guy.
    Fast forward to high school. I had zero feelings for any guy until my sophomore year when the night of our winter dance I literally thought to myself, "Tonight I'm going to end up liking Billy". And BAM I had a crush on the guy. Once again, I never thought about it. I just assumed that that is what other girls did.
    So I went on crushing on this guy for about a year and a half and finally realized that it wouldn't work out because he would never feel the same about me. I felt really crushed for awhile but looking back I feel like I was more upset that I didn't have a guy to like anymore. I have had no feelings toward any guy since then (I'm now a sophomore in college). But I did have my best friend (we'll call her Alice). Alice listened to me whenever I needed it. She was always there for me. We would spend our free periods talking the entire time and we became really close. I noticed that some times I would get really nervous around her but just ignored it and pushed the thoughts of being gay away. Then she got a boyfriend and I was extremely jealous. I assumed that that was just a normal friend thing but it really did hurt inside.
    So fast forward again to college. Since then I have definitely gotten over whatever it was that I felt for Alice. She is still one of my best friends but that is honestly all I feel for her and I'm happy about that because she still listens whenever I need it.
    Anyway, I play a sport for my school and I became friends with one of my teammates (let's call her Jane) who's a year older than me. We were casual friends, really didn't hang out that much. But one day towards the end of the year I went to her room to discuss team stuff and we ended up talking for a really long time just about random stuff. She listened to me complain about my lack of confidence and she shared her similar stories. I swear we're the same person sometimes...
    Whenever I left her room I felt so amazingly happy that I had talked to her. I knew that we had some sort of connection. So this year I talked to her a lot more and she really helped me get through some tough times last semester. I noticed that I became increasingly nervous around her. In the back of my mind I think I knew what was going on but I pushed it away. Then the team went on a road trip and we stayed over night in a hotel. We roomed together and ended up sleeping in the same bed together. (I've never cared about sleeping with another girl before...except Alice...but I would just keep to my side and fall asleep). This was different. I was freaking out. We fell asleep and when I woke up at like 3 in the morning her head was on my shoulder and I had never felt so calm or happy in my life. I felt at home. I didn't fall back to sleep for hours because I knew that that would make the morning come faster. Later in the semester we were at our formal and at on point she sat next to me and our legs were touching and once again I couldn't move. I had this rush of happiness that she was sitting so close.
    Any time we hug I just don't want to let go...ever.

    So yeah that's my story. Sorry for the length, I tried to cover everything.

    Additional info: I've never been in any sort of relationship. Jane is currently dating another girl.

    I don't have sexual feelings for all of my friends, but I have thought about it with Jane. And honestly I feel bad about it because she's my best friend...but I also know that if she were to try to kiss me I would reciprocate.

    ---------- Post added 26th Feb 2013 at 05:12 PM ----------

    One thing that I just remembered was a conversation that I had with one of my friends in high school. Somehow the topic of being gay came up and she just casually said that she KNEW that she was straight. That was a big moment for me because I felt like I couldn't say that. I didn't KNOW if I was straight... Somehow I got out of contributing to the conversation but it stuck with me. Obviously I pushed it away at some point because I only just now remembered it...ughhh
     
  7. Labyrinth

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    I think it's a complex issue and that ultimately you need to trust your gut feeling about the situation. Particularly if you have another friend in the same situation who received advice she didn't agree with, this guy may be handing out the same answer to everyone on an issue that he doesn't understand. Trust yourself. When you have more self knowledge it may be worth going back to him and discussing with him the possibility of him opening his view and advice to others.
     
  8. LoveMusicPoetry

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    It's one of those things you're just going to have to work out yourself. If you do have sexual feelings towards your friend, then it probably suggests you aren't completely straight. Don't worry about what society expects of you, in the end you'll have to be yourself in order to be happy, this is a fact I'm just finding out now, at the age of 30, after 10 years of marriage I might add. Also, I might hae this completely wrong, but if somebody tells you they are 'completely straight', then that would sound to me like the lady doth protest a bit too much. I know this because I have made similarly efusive statements in the very recent past, and they clearly aren't true. It's like somebody saying, 'yes, I difinitely do, 100% breathe all the thime,' yeah, it's expected that we all breathe, you don't have to confirm it in such emphatic terms. That's just what I think anyway, like I said, I might be wrong.[/I]

    ---------- Post added 27th Feb 2013 at 12:56 AM ----------

    Appologies for the spelling errors etc above. My ipad keyboard is playing up and it won't let me go back and correct. I type quickly, then edit after and it won't let me navigate or change anything.
     
  9. Ianthe

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    It does sound to me like you are probably gay. That weird sort of "choose a logical boy to have a crush on" thing is something a lot of lesbians do--and not really so much bisexual women either, because they still like boys to begin with. And from your description, I definitely think you have a big crush on Jane. Sometimes a therapist's personal biases get in the way of their job. You might want to try get a different counselor, you probably can. If they ask why, you can either tell them explicitly, or say that you just felt that he didn't take something you told him seriously, and you want someone who will.
     
    #9 Ianthe, Feb 27, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2013