Ok first of all i am 19 and in college and am confused about my orientation. I also have been diagnosed with ocd and depression/anxiety. And no i do not have hocd or believe in it. I have gay friends and accept everything gay. The past couple months ive been experiencing some gay thoughts/feelings, which cause extreme amounts of anxiety. I hate homophobes and i hate the idea of denial. I want to rise above that crap. I said "ok i am gay and proud". I wouldn't mind telling people i was gay, its not a bad thing. I dont care what my family thinks, or my friends. I say to myself "i am 100 percent ok with being gay, and accept it". I have a friend who might be gay, and am unsure if i have gay feelings around him or am just uncomfortable around him because i am unsure of his sexuality. I want to be happy, so i am exploring my own sexuality, without denying any thoughts or feelings. Here is the problem with accepting being gay: i still am obsessed with girls, the idea of not being with one is painful. All i think about is sex, and i constantly am looking at them and checking them out. I really still want a girlfriend, and sex. I still have feelings for certain girls and literally precum from hugging them. I spend all my time either thinking about girls, or thinking of reasons why i might be gay. I have obsessed over them since i was little. My gay thoughts and feelings cause so much personal shame, i have never been able to enjoy them. Ive had a couple gay dreams in my life and wake up feeling sick. I try wacking off to the thoughts and feel worse. The odd time i think i feel something down there when close to a guy (friendly hugging etc) but instead of enjoying it i go almost get a panic attack. How do i explore my sexuality while avoiding anxiety? My thoughts say if i love a man, i cant love a woman. And if i love a woman, i cant love a man. Same with sex. Thats where anxiety comes in, because i want to be happy, and bisexuality would be confusing. I haven't "dated" in a long time but i want to with a girl. My fear is that i will decide im gay and break her heart. Or vice versa. My fear is being unhappy and alone. Ive had many heartbreaks before. Currently im just trying to accept every thought and feeling i have and be happy, but its tough. Stories of being in your 40s and still confused scare me. Is there anything drastic i should do or just keep trying to enjoy life and not worry about it? Do i need to know if i am gay or straight to date? I just need some self esteem boosters and not too harsh opinions. I dont want to miss out on life. Thanks :icon_bigg ---------- Post added 27th Feb 2013 at 09:58 PM ---------- Sorry for the length
Some people really are bisexual. I was also fine with others being gay or bisexual but for me I had so much internalized homophobia I didn't realize I had until the walls of denial broke down recently. But I don't think your body can lie...if you are physically turned on by both then it would seem to me that you are at some level of bisexuality. I am glad you are on this site! The more I post or read on here the more acceptance I find for myself. The more acceptance the less anxiety. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) You will be able to have the relationship you deserve, one of love and sex!
Yes, I was surprised to read your entire post and not hear you once consider the possibility that you might be bi. I can tell you from personal experience, there IS such a thing as bisexuality and it sounds like you fall somewhere on that spectrum. One thing to realize is not all bisexual people are exactly 50/50 attracted to both genders equally. You might lean strongly or weakly in one direction, or you might be a guy who (like me) is about equally attracted to both genders. You can also expect your attraction to fluctuate a bit from time to time - especially if your in a relationship, you might find yourself primarily attracted to the gender oft he person you're dating during that time.
My take after reading the original post is that you may be bisexual, but I think it's unlikely you're gay. I don't think many gay males precum hugging a female! ---------- Post added 1st Mar 2013 at 04:06 PM ---------- Yes, one can be 40+ and confused. But one thing in your favor is that you appear to be trying to face this situation now. I am one of the 40-somethings who are "questioning." And one of the reasons why I'm in this position is because I was unwilling to deal with the situation head-on at a younger age.
thanks alot everyone! When I think clearly about this situation, I can easily say that bi is alot more likely then gay, due to the fact that I still get hard from girls, always notice them first, and think about them alot. I feel really good when thinking about girls or having sex with them. All my gay thoughts/feeling are not enjoyable. If I think im getting hard while close to a guy, I get extremely anxious. I will feel the slightest tickle and feel terrible. I am constantly checking to see if I am aroused after physical contact with a guy, and if i don't get aroused around a girl I get the same anxious stressed feeling. saying "its ok to have these feelings, you are gay" feels a little better, but when I feel that tickle, I get terribly anxious again. My mind races and I feel sick. but if I cant enjoy my gay thoughts/feelings, why do they keep coming back? I wouldn't mind being able to say "im gay/or bi" to everyone, id be proud of it. I either want to feel good about it or the thoughts to go away. I would much rather be openly gay then be suppressed. I can say "im gay" and feel good but I cant find pleasure in my gay thoughts. They make me think I will have to give up girls which is part of the problem. Thats why bi is hard to understand. I have a very irrational mind. Id be happy if I could enjoy them, so how is that possible and where do I find my source of anxiety?
