Hi everyone, I am an 18 year old straight(?) male. I have never really questioned my sexual orientation, not seriously at least. I have had a girlfriend, and loved her. We had a lot of fun together, I was very close with her, and we had fantastic sex. I was very heartbroken when she ended things, for a long time. I recently got into another relationship which has been good, however the girl isn't exactly everything I'm looking for. A few days ago, I made the decision to end things because I felt like it wasn't the right relationship. However, in the midst of me coming to that decision, I went through a severe sexual identity crisis. Out of no where, I just became extremely anxious that I was possibly becoming gay, or maybe had been gay my whole life and didn't know it. I had a day full of panic attacks, and every thought that I had to do with becoming homosexual made me cringe. I felt like I didn't want anything that a homosexual relationship might offer, but that did nothing to release the anxious knot that was in my stomach. In fact, it made it worse. Since I have been told that you are born gay or straight, and you can't change what you are, that I must be gay for having these thoughts and that I would be for the rest of my life. That thought really scared me. I did some serious thinking, and couldn't come up with a clear answer. I am terribly anxious about the possibility of being gay, and it's really affecting me. I ended up staying with my current girlfriend. I have had the best sex of my life with this girl, it has been incredible. However, since my breakdown it has just been filled with anxiety. I can't enjoy myself, I am constantly questioning things. For the first time today, I lost my erection while having sex with her because I was over thinking everything and was so anxious about being gay. I have no idea what's going on. I don't feel like I'm gay, I have never taken interest in men. That being said, when I was a lot younger I remember messing around with a couple times with friends that were guys, but that was before I had taken a seriously sexual interest in anything; it was more of a curiousity thing I think. Has anyone else been in a similar scenario? I have no idea what to do, spending time with my girlfriend is becoming hard.. I can't even sit through a movie without bouts of anxiety, and our sex has lost its magic. Can anyone help?
Hi there :smilewave My question to you is: when and why did you start questioning your sexual orientation? Was it because of something in particular that has recently happened to you?
What about this makes you think you are gay? You like girls, and I read nothing about liking or thinking of sex with a man. So where does the gay thing come from? June
This is where it gets somewhat complicated. I went through an extremely traumatic experience when I was much younger involving my grandfather and my sister, and that has affected me deeply ever since it happened. One of my biggest fears from that experience is that I had no control over who I was as a person because I was the offspring of such a monster. A couple of weeks ago, I pulled out of a serious stretch of depression directly related to the incident with my granddad. I was EXTREMELY happy, the happiest I have ever been in my life - for about 2 weeks. I can't think of anything else that might have something to do with the sudden change in my mindset.. it happened in the blink of an eye. ---------- Post added 28th Feb 2013 at 09:13 PM ---------- The fact that I no longer feel the same around my girlfriend, and also that I am questioning myself so much -- If I was truly straight, why would I be having these thoughts at all? ---------- Post added 28th Feb 2013 at 09:23 PM ---------- This is where it gets complicated. I went through an extremely traumatic experience when I was younger involving my grandfather and my sister, and it has affected me deeply since it happened. A couple weeks ago, I pulled out of a severe stretch of depression related directly to the incident with my grandfather. I was EXTREMELY happy, probably the happiest I've ever been in my life - for about 2 weeks. I can't think of anything else that might have triggered the sudden change in state of mind, it happened in the blink of an eye. I also started taking an LGBT course at my high school about 4 weeks ago, but nothing to do with the course affected me in any way, until we watched a video in class about the oppression of the gay community. I had to leave the class and go home because I felt so awful and anxious. That was on Tuesday (2 days ago, the first day of my crisis)
I'm having a hard time to understand where does your questioning comes from. Many people around EC, including myself, also went through a stage of questioning, mainly because they started to feel attracted to people of their same sex. And this is why I don't understand why are you questioning yourself if you say you don't have any interest in men. So, why do you think you might be gay? I see you mention you had a traumatic experience with your grandfather and your sister, but I don't see why would you relate that to your thoughts that you might be gay. I know I may be crossing the line a little bit, and I don't wan't you to feel uncomfortable, but what happened with your grandfather and sister? You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I want you to know that this is a safe place and you can be as open as you want. We don't judge anyone.
It's very strange. As soon as I felt like I needed to end things with my girlfriend, the thoughts just arose. The 'what ifs'. I feel like questioning is coming from my new lack of attraction towards my girlfriend. I have had very dark thoughts surrounding my identity, especially to do with my granddad. He sexually abused her, and I walked in on it happening. The only reason I think it might have an impact is because being pulled out of that depression was a huge shift in identity for me, and perhaps these thoughts are just a result of that massive shot to who I am as a person. Is it common for people to have experienced a true attraction to the opposite sex before becoming attracted to their own?
I'm really sorry for what has happened to you and your sister. As to your question, I honestly wouldn't know if it's common. I still don't understand where you make this connection that you might be gay. It would be different if you said that you started having feelings for guys, but you stated that you don't. So that's why it's hard for me to understand why you are thinking that you are gay, and why you are anxious about it. Why this sudden thoughts? You say that you like girls, so what makes you think that you like guys? Are you sure there's nothing more? I don't think that breaking up with someone is enough for you to say that you might be gay, there should be a little more behind that to state something like that.
Thank you for saying that. Well let me explain my feelings for guys. I get repulsed at the idea of intercourse with a guy, but I'm not sure if that's because I don't want it or if it's tied in to my fear of actually being gay. Sometimes I think guys are attractive though, and I definitely know a couple guys that I love. But it's a warm, enjoying company, appreciative kind of love, and I'm really happy to have them as friends. When I start to get to know a new male, if I like them, my first thought is that I'd really like to become good friends with them. I can definitely say that I did like girls. I still think I do, but why would I lose my erection during sex? And why do I feel suddenly uncomfortable around her? I'm about as confused as you are as to why I'm having these thoughts, and what's most confusing is why they won't go away. I'm just so confused and anxious! I honestly don't think I would care if I was gay, if I truly knew I was gay and felt like I wanted a relationship with a man. It's the fact that I don't feel like I want a relationship with a man, but also feel uncomfortable and now slightly turned off around my girlfriend that's really confusing me.
Well, to me, it sounds that you aren't gay. I feel like maybe you're anxious about something else. I think anxiety can also make you lose an erection, although I don't know for sure. I don't think you should link you being uncomfortable and turned off by your girlfriend with the posibility that you might be gay. Maybe it's her that isn't like your old girlfriend, and you don't like her that much. You shouldn't worry too much, I don't think you are gay. I think it's the lack of conection with your new girlfriend that's making you feel like this.
Okay, thank you for your time and words. Since Tuesday I have felt less anxious every day, but I think it will be a while before I am fully confident in myself again. Thanks again
Definitely sounds like your "projecting" issues from one area into another. So like TheDude said, just take it easy. Any time it starts up tell yourself "i'm ok", "it's all good." The last thing you want is to let this run you rampant and then your suffering from Erectile Dysfunction, now that sounds like a hell on earth for any man. There is the possibility your projecting stems from your past trauma and you definitely want to resolve that before it gets out of control. Best of Luck Man
Have you ever had counseling for what happened with your grandfather and sister? Also, it seems like you might have some kind of bipolar disorder. You seem to have gone from a depression suddenly into a hypomanic state. I suggest talking to a counselor with experience with: gay-affirming therapy, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and sexual abuse survivors.
I have been to counseling for what happened, quite a lot of it actually. And I can honestly say that I felt like I was finally freed from all the mental baggage that I carried with me since I was 10 a couple weeks ago. I had been doing extensive work with my counsellor for this depression, and was slowly getting better until a couple of weeks ago I learned something specifically to do with my situation that relieved me of so much depression I felt like I must be the happiest person on the planet. I can't even explain how disheartening it is to finally be truly happy with myself, to falling right back into spells of anxiety and depression. I will definitely bring up those topics with my counsellor the next time i'm with her.
It is quite possible for anxiety (or lack of sleep or stress) to cause a guy to lose (or be unable to get) an erection. Which can in turn lead to a feedback cycle of anxiety about losing/not being able to get an erection, which can lead to another event, and so on. It's also possible to lose an erection just at random for no apparent reason. Your sexual orientation has nothing to do with it. Todd
