Am I gay and ready to come out?

I am a 22 year old girl. I have never had a male or female partner but I have felt physical and emotional attractions to girls for some time so consequently I'm questioning my sexuality. I am not someone who knew they were gay at a young age. I would say the first time I considered the possibility I could be gay was around the age of 16.
At high school had a few friends but was often the subject of ridicule for achieving top grades. Around the age of 14 I became friends with a girl named Charlie. I sat next to her in classes and we were both in the school choir. It started as class mate friendship but on reflection grew into something much more on my part. I had a heightened awareness of her and her presence. It was like whenever she was around I needed to be near her. I am positive she saw me as nothing more than a school friend, not even a best friend. I would say these feelings were at their peak when I went on a music rehearsal residential trip with her and my other friends. We shared a dormitory and spent every day minute of the day together for a whole weekend. This made me happier than I had felt in a long time and the adrenaline and excitement of if were something I didn't forget for ages. On returning home from this trip I started a diary. I wrote in it about how amazing Charlie was, her singing voice (she was a soloist), her smile, everything. Pathetic i know. In reality most others thought she could be a moody cow who was self centred and boy mad. I was blind to this. I would listen to her moan about her boyfriend issues etc. for hours. Around this time I was unbearable for my parents to live with. I was miserable at home but happy at school when I might be near her. At the time my mother identified this friendship as I must have mentioned the girl frequently and she said once to me in a heated argument I should go and live with this Charlie if she means so much to me. Strange thing to say. To this day i do not know if she read the diary!!! i suspect she did. I destroyed it a while later when I started to feel what I had written was strange. I also remember spending hours looking for photos of charlie from our school trip and keeping these in a secret place. Never once did I identify this situation with sexual attraction. This amazes me now but in reality I think it probably was. I kind of knew i was slightly obsessed but I never thought I was in love with her at the time. There were a couple of other girls I used to look at and think we're mesmerising. Often ones who were sporty with big personalities. I also remember realising I wasn't attracted to boys like my best friend was (she has had a steady boyfriend since we were 15). But i used to look for boys and try to convince myself I was attracted to them. It never worked. Even despite all this, leaving school age 16 I had not really considered I might be gay and no one had challenged me about my love life. I vaguely knew I was attracted to girls but had not considered this in a sexual way.

I started sixth form college with the idea it was a fresh start and one of my goals was to have had a boyfriend before I left. Within a few weeks I found I had got fairly close to a lad called Matt. Feelings similar those i had for Charlie developed but this time i was thinking about it in terms of a relationship. I did always want to be near him and I would look forward to seeing him but I only ever imagined him kissing me nothing more. To be honest the thought of sex with a man did and still does disgust me. His personality did not shine, in reality he was pretty dull. He eventually started dating one of my friends and I wasn't too bothered. Towards the end of sixth form I went to dinner at a gay couples house with my parents. They are good friends of my parents. I became attracted to Ruth one of the ladies and this followed a similar path to the stuff before. Pouring over every smile, glance, photo and opportunity to see her. This, I think was sexual attraction and I did imagine kissing her and more. It never happened and I got over the feelings eventually.

I am now about to finish university in a few months time. I have made 5 good friends on my course despite living at home with my parents. Again I was looking for a relationship with a guy when i started university despite the fact I was starting to question my sexuality I wanted to prove myself wrong. I now totally understand that attraction is a spark.... you shouldn't have to look for it. I have never been attracted to another guy since Matt and soon gave up trying to look for one that I would be attracted to or that I would find attractive. In my second year I found that spark with a girl, Alice. This time it was more intense than before. I spent every minute with her I could. Stayed late to study with her, had chats in her room (too often about her boy issues), over analysed every single glance, smile, touch etc. We got very close and she is still one of my best friends. I would stay over in her room and ache for her to offer to share the bed rather than have me sleep on the floor. It never happened. She is straight and Catholic and still completely oblivious to the fact I ever felt that way. The feelings I was having nearly destroyed me. It was taking over my life and I had to distance my self from her and focus on the negative aspects of her character to get over it. I am over it and we are still friends.

So, despite all this I have still never had a relationship. I have also never told anyone about any of the feelings I had for any of these people and the subjects of my attraction have never known. I have been questioning my sexuality for about 5 years in now. At the moment it is getting too much to bear. I don't know if anyone has guessed. The lack of a boyfriend, diary (and sugar rush DVDs!!) may have been a clue to my mum. But she has openly said in the past during discussions on gay relationships she wouldn't be pleased if I was gay. In the same conversation she said 'what are you trying to tell me that you're gay'... I said no. I know this was probably a mistake. I know many of my family are not open minded and probably would have difficulty dealing with it.

I am now seriously considering tell one of my uni friends how I feel before we leave. I always said to myself I wouldn't tell anyone til I was in a relationship and sure one way or the other. I now realise this may never happen til I am honest with at least someone. My friends have noticed I am miserable and keep asking me if I want to talk. I know they are talking about what might be up with me behind my back. I have told a couple of them it is stuff I need to deal with myself first and I may talk to them after our exams are over but i cant des with the distraction right now. I don't know if they have guessed but they know I have never really had a boyfriend. Alice asked me the other day if I would ever want a relationship with 'someone'. She also says I can talk to her about absolutely anything. As have other friends.

I think about a relationship with a woman and that excites me emotionally and physically. But it also scares me. I have almost come to the conclusion I am gay, am well aware of gay culture and watch every tv programme etc i can get my hands on including every episode of l word (!!!) to try and get my head around it.
Am i gay? am i bisexual? I don't want to come out and label myself now if the feelings i have had so far are insignificant or conflicting. Should I come out to one or two friends after my exams? I really can't decide what to do. And coming out to the friend I was in love with would be tough!!

Any advice much appreciated.. Thanks.

 

Thanks for the comments.
I think they are just confirming what I already know about myself. I guess part of me just wishes it wasn't true due to the fact I had had some (all be it very few) feelings for a guy before. Im probably just kidding myself to avoid the inevitable.
I am seriously considering telling a couple of close friends. I just don't know how much further I can go with it at the moment. I can't help but feeling it would be a disappointment to my parents, particularly as I am an only child. I couldn't be out at work either. My boss and a few colleagues are pretty homophobic judging by comments they have made about some openly gay patients who come into the pharmacy where we work. I guess maybe its just one step at a time but I'm pretty sure a relationship where my feelings were reciprocated would tell me the answer!!! Then all the pain would be worth it.