Hey, EC! I have recently been browsing through the forums, and came to the conclusion that you guys would be the right community to approach for help with my problem. All of my life, I have been attracted to women, even to the point of saying (probably stupidly, but eh) that I've been in love. I've always fapped to women, as far as I can remember. I've had many girlfriends in the past year. I know it sounds like bragging but I'm just trying to illustrate how hetero I am(was). I had once looked at gay porn but didn't like it, so the thought of being gay never crossed my mind. About a month ago, it seemed like (straight) porn wasn't doing it anymore for me. I couldn't get it up as hard, and so I started doubting myself. Then I saw a tranny video and did the deed, and doubt grew. Now, I then watched gay porn but didn't get an erection out of it, and so its weird. I say its weird because after I started doubting myself, I started noticing guys more, so I'm not sure if I'm thinking myself into being gay. I never had any gay tendencies before, and now all of a sudden I start noticing guys. I currently have a girlfriend, and we went to a concert last night and we grinded, and I got a boner. Agh I don't even know where I'm going with this now. I'm just anxious, and I don't know why, and I came to you guys for advice. All help is appreciated, I just don't want to be worried all the time :/
Welcome to EC and I am glad you are here to just let yourself work though figuring things out....whatever they are! It hit me about 2 years ago that though I have only dated guys, I think the reason things were the way they were...was possibly because I was gay and in denial. Then suddenly I remembered times from the past and things in my current life to support that. Porn is not a good indicator though. And I realized that I always was looking at girls but in denial I would turn away or think I m just sizing up competition. And at first the idea of kissing them or fooling around sort of irked my mind...which i now see was because i had internalized some homophobic ideas. But the more I worked on accepting it would be okay, the more I saw that was actually an appealing idea and more so felt like it would be more natural for me than my physical interactions with the opposite sex. First kisses were so hard with guys and sex was more like a performance. It could be fun but I never felt like I was being myself. So you could be bisexual or gay or straight still. When you are looking at guys, how do you feel?
By "Then suddenly I remembered times from the past and things in my current life to support that." what do you mean? I guess I do look at guys, but I also look at girls. I have had the same thoughts(I guess I am able to determine a guy's attractiveness, but when asking girls, many guys I thought were ok are considered disgusting) and they do irk me, but I have several gay friends and do not feel any ill will towards them. Talking about gay friends, the one I'm the closest to hits a little bit on me, and I do feel uncomfortable. When kissing girls, I definitely enjoy it. Having gotten to 3rd base, I can assure you I was liking the whole thing. Why is looking at gay porn not a good indicator? Also, I think I might be bisexual, but also, I'm just really anxious so I'm not sure. Anyway, thanks for the help!
One of the things I've seen mentioned here before about this sort of issue is that watching enough porn can more or less desensitize you to it. In other words, your brain essentially goes 'eh, seen that before' and you don't get as turned on. Moving to T-porn would then result in your brain experiencing 'something new' and so you'd go back to 'situation normal'. At least until that starts to lose its novelty as well. It could be that gay porn is still beyond your comfort zone in this regard so still not doing anything for you. Eventually, if your brain got used to t-porn this might change, but again it would most likely be due to your brain experiencing 'something new'. Or you might instead shift over to some other kind of porn instead and that would do it for you for a while. Etc. "Noticing guys" is a somewhat broad term which can cover a lot of possibilities from 'He's good looking' to sexual fantasies so can't really say anything one way or the other there at this point. Can you clarify what you mean by this? Based on what you've said so far, you might be bi but I'd be more inclined to think that you're simply getting bored with the porn you're watching (consciously or otherwise) and should consider taking a break from it and just using your own imagination and fantasies for a while (whatever those may be). If those start to move into the realm of doing stuff with guys (or are there already), then some further consideration may be warranted. Hope this helps, Todd
Things from the past: I was obsessed with gay rights before I even knew anyone who was gay, but when I tried to read this pro gay rights persuasive speech to my parents they got super mad and my first bf was a happy moment for mom because she told my sis "I always wondered about her..." These things happened around age 15 so I know I got the message gay wasn't going to be an okay thing for ME to be. I often got crushes on guys that at first I didn't like, but usually I realized all my friends did so it was like this obsession would grow. But I didn't really think I would be able to be with them...if they actually liked me back I sort of froze. And then yeah, it was weird actually getting physical like I explained. Current things: I have spent the last few years just being depressed and totally unfulfilled with dating guys or relationships with guys. And I spent more in more in fantasy and rather than reality. Sounds like you are being fulfilled in your current relationship with a girl though right? With porn even just things we find taboo can be a turn on to watch. But for me it is about who I really want to touch in real life.
