Hi all, I posted a thread earlier this week about how I was starting to feel confused about my sexuality. In the span of a 6 days, it has gone from anxiety to full fledged depression. I am currently with a girl who I know isn't right for me, however she is so supportive and understanding of my current meltdown that it's impossible for me not to feel a deep love/appreciation for her. At the beginning of this meltdown, I told myself that I didn't want anything a homosexual relationship had to offer. However, I'm not so sure that's true anymore. I still don't feel any sexual attraction towards men (couldn't imagine sex with a man, even kissing one seems strange to me) but as far as being in love, I wouldn't care as long as I was happy. Does the sexual attraction come with time? I feel different with my girlfriend now. The last few times we've had sex, I've been anxious and it has been so much less enjoyable than before I had the meltdown. I am definitely still in the process of figuring myself out, and wouldn't label myself as anything yet. The issue is, I've been so depressed and confused that suicide keeps running through my mind. I feel like it's unfair to my girlfriend to be with her while I go through this, but the thought of losing her makes me really sad. On a larger scale, I feel like I might never figure myself out, and it's this thought that makes me not want to stick around anymore. This has been the worst week of my life. I have bounced from extreme anxiety, to deep times of depression, to little spurts of hope/feeling alright that I know won't last. I just don't see how I could handle another week of this, let alone the rest of my life. Suicide seems really appealing to me, but I know it would devastate my sister and mom mainly. I think my dad would be upset too. This makes me feel guilty for even considering it.. I'm in so much pain, and I don't know what to do to fix things. Has anyone else gone through a similar experience?
First, I believe you should calm down. As you already stated, if you are not sure of what you like, don't try to label it yet. Yes, it is possible you were living in denial, but there are so many other things that could explain it... Have you consider the possibility of being bissexual, or maybe even HOCD? Just try to remain calm, and study about what exactly you are feeling... You might just find the comfort you are looking for googling for articles on the subject. And don't worry about your family and girlfriend, the most important thing is to take care of yourself right now. When you discover what you really want, you will be able to handle all the other things better.
It is a really tough time so your feelings are totally normal. I am in my 30s and just figuring this out. When the denial first started breaking down I also was putting pressure on myself to know it all right away. Give yourself a break and some time. It gets better and it will be okay! For me and others it is a process of real grief we go through. There are five stages of grief they say denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance...so hope is around the corner if you just hang in there! In my "bargaining" stage I really went through a process of trying to think maybe I am not really gay...maybe I am bisexual...maybe I am asexual...it is very hard to go through and you are not alone. I even hooked up with a guy I used to flirt with...telling him first I thought I wasn't attracted to men. It was so awkward, I felt cold and like a robot doing something with no passion or emotion. And STILL I questioned that maybe I was thinking too much and just hetero in denial of that. I had no idea how much I had internalized homophobia. I didn't even know you could do that. I knew it wasn't feeling right with the opposite sex..so I just kept trying to tell myself "if it was an okay thing...would I like being with the same sex?" Gradually it felt like a comfortable...and comforting thought. Cuddling up, making out..then even actual sex. It took time and acceptance. And PLEASE do not do anything drastic like suicide. It really is a permanent answer to a temporary situation. You deserve to be happy and if you are that depressed it is okay to take steps to feel better. Because YOU CAN feel better. Is there a counselor or someone you can talk to? Or if you are afraid and want to stay anonymous, there is the site specifically for people like us going through severe thoughts where you can chat online or call: Preventing Suicide Among LGBTQ Youth | The Trevor Project And we are here too...keep talking to us. (*hug*)
I have considered a lot of options, and I doubt I'm a 6 on the Kinsey Scale being that I have been in love with a girl, and have always felt like I've been sexually attracted to girls. Unfortunately googling things made me more overwhelmed, there was just so much information and I felt like none of it applied to me. For me, I'm just confused why I even had the meltdown in the first place when I had always been sexually attracted to girls and currently have a girlfriend.. I hate how I'm questioning myself. I do have a counsellor, but I don't think there's anything she could do for me at this point. I mean this is now actually my life.. I just want everything to be how it was before the start of last week.. I was so happy with my girlfriend, we had great sex, I had just moved to a new school where I had made a few friends. Everything was about as good as it has ever been in my life. It feels so unfair to have a taste of that and now be at one of the lowest points in my life
