Hi, So I have dilemma where I'm pretty sure that I'm gay but am having trouble accepting it. I know my family and friends would be supportive but for some reason I still can't seem to admit it. I keep shoving the feelings away even though I've been with enough men to know that, although I can appreciate aesthetic beauty of certain men, my sexual attraction lies with women. Part of the reason I'm also a little afraid to come out is that I've pretty much always identified as straight and I've always had trouble admitting my mistakes. The fear has gotten worse as the number of gay friends I have acquired has increased and I have identified as straight when around them. I suppose ultimately I'm afraid of judgment. Anyways, the whole point of this is: any advice on pushing past denial to finally accept my sexuality? I feel like that would make coming out so much easier. Thank you, Lexis
let's start with... was there any background influences from your environment or history that might have affected your feeling of your sexuality?
Yeah, since I've started dating I've known what I find attractive in men but once I started becoming physically intimate with them I felt nothing at all. In the back of my mind I always knew it wasn't their fault that I didn't find it pleasing. In junior high I began noticing that I had feelings for one of my female friends. I found both her appearance and personality to be attractive and I found myself holding back when I was in her presence because I was afraid she would reject me if I told her how I felt. Getting a little off topic here. I should add that with my female friends I've always been openly affectionate (hugs, compliments, etc) but forcing a tone of playfulness to avoid having it come across as creepy. I suppose that I'm worried that they'll assume that because I was affectionate that I must have been attracted to them. Although I'm sure they would be supportive of my sexuality, I'm also certain they would want to remain friends if they assumed that I was attracted to them. I think it's also partially due to the fact that I've never been open with my thoughts or feelings with anyone (including my parents) so the idea of having such an intimate conversation with anyone is terrifying. I know for a fact that my mother would be supportive of my sexuality however I'm worried that my father might not be as much. He and already have a lot of tension between us from past events and I worry that this could break our relationship completely. Sorry for the long post.
You really won't enjoy doing sexual things with other guys until you come to accept who you are. I casually messed around a bit during middle and high school, but I didn't find it really enjoyable afterwards. From the time I was 13 and realized I had sexual feelings for guys but not girls I started suppressing that I was gay, trying to cover it up by forcing myself to be interested in girls that I knew or saw around school. Hell, I even used a girl as a beard to cover my own ass. Then last year, I came out after seven years. I had an epiphany one night when my roommates and one of their friends were talking about what types of women they wanted to marry one day. I realized that I didn't want to marry a woman, I didn't want to be with a woman, and that I only wanted to be with a guy. After that, I spent a few months getting comfortable with the fact that I was gay and came out to a friend that March, then everyone else over the year. As far as who to tell if you are going to eventually, start with close friends, people who you know will keep your secret. After that, slowly expand. My mom was one of the last people I told, although she already knew and told me she was just waiting for me to figure it out and myself and tell her. Chances are your mom knows as well. They know you better than anyone because they raised you for 18 years, so I doubt it'll be a surprise to her. Your father though, well, I'd say keep it from him unless you think he should know, especially if you're worried about breaking you guy's relationship. Sorry for the long post, and I hope something out of that helps.
