Gay, straight or in between - I have no clue

I don’t really have a clear grasp on my feelings. And even if I do, I haven’t fully admitted it to myself yet, and in a way, I think that’s better – because whenever it seems to sink it, really sink in, that hey, you know what, I might not like boys quite as much, or I prefer girls or whatever, it’s not a slow, coaxing thing. It’s not a revelation that slowly seems to make sense in the scheme of things. It’s a hard blow to my face – it’s a bunch of images flashing through my head, of the various things that I can think of as being inconvenient if the case were ever that, indeed, I am gay (on a side-note: I hate the word “lesbian”. I don’t know if it’s because of the meaning that it holds or because people seem to view lesbians as being nothing but sex objects, but I just don’t feel comfortable using it – I much prefer gay or queer). It’s the various snarky comments about homosexuality that I hear in day-to-day life. It’s the (frightening) image of seeing myself with a girl, because most of the time, I can never actually picture it. It’s the possible reactions my parents would have. The discrimination and disgust and dislike I might have to suffer along the way in my life.

I live in a mostly homophobic country, where being straight is considered the absolute
norm and being anything else is just weird and strange.

There are two kinds of straight people where I live: the kind that think it’s a disease, it’s disgusting, gays should all go to hell, and then the kind that think it’s weird or squicky, and an actual choice that people make if they’re feeling rebellious and want to try out a lifestyle of their own that doesn’t fit what it means to be normal. Meaning: gay guys are usually considered flamboyant, sissy “fags” who will hit on straight guys and try and somehow steal that macho manliness that most seem to possess, and in doing so, they are clearly infected by some horrendous disease; and lesbians are just sex objects. Girls who get bored of guys at some point in their life and because there seems to be no logical way a girl can live without a man/woman or any sort of relationship to validate her existence, she’ll turn to girls and partake in very hot, very loud lesbian sex.

Basically that’s all there is to being gay. Gay guys are disgusting; gay girls clearly suffer from daddy issues and are disgusting too, until the point where guys love seeing girls make out. I have no clue if that’s what everyone in this country actually seems to believe – maybe there are a few who are okay with it – but where I live, that’s all there is to it.
And the funny thing is: that’s all utter bullcrap. I know it is. Stereotypes that gay dudes are flamboyant and girly are stupid and ridiculous, and so are the ones where lesbians are man-hating, butch “dykes”. The whole “gays are going to end up hell” is so ridiculous to me, that I sometimes get physically angry hearing it. It’s absurd. I know it’s absurd.

Hating someone just because they happen to prefer one gender over another is downright stupid. As long as they don’t have sex/make out in front of you, what is your problem, exactly? Everybody does what they want, in the privacy of their home, and why should anyone care? Whether people believe it’s an actual disease, or it’s something that people choose to be, or they’re just not comfortable with it – how is it their problem? It’s not. At the end of the day, none of that matters. Who you are matters little to the people who don’t know you, and should matter even less to the people that do (if you’re gay or some other religion or ethnicity or something, of course – not if you’re a crazy serial killer).

If I ever hear some homophobic comment – “gays are gross”, “being gay is a disease”, etc. – I get angry.

So of course, you’re probably wondering, if I’m so high on equality and everyone doing whatever they want, why ever would I be confused or even better, why would I hate myself for potentially being something that I so adamantly look at as being right and just another part of life? Honestly, I have no clue.

My parents aren’t overly religious. They’re mostly okay with this whole thing, and find most things like issues about abortion and excessive belief in God ridiculous and over-the-top. As a result, I’m not overly religious. I believe in God, but I don’t make a habit of it being the main thing that defines me.

They’re also not overly homophobic. Not my mother, at least. See, they’re the type of people that believe that being gay is a choice. They won’t go out of their way to create anti-gay propaganda signs to flail around in abandon at some gay kid’s funeral, and they also won’t go out of their way to insult someone for being gay. They’re living under the “if I don’t see it, it doesn’t hurt me” philosophy. And I guess in some ways that attitude is better than whatever outward hatred people have towards homosexuality.

They’re also the type that are uncomfortable with it, my dad especially. My mom will make an occasional comment about how she believes in equality for all, and that same-sex unions should be allowed because, live and let live. My dad, on the other hand – he doesn’t just think that it’s a choice. He thinks it’s an absurd choice, and one that only troubled people will go out of their way to do in order to gather attention. And my mom, for all her equality talk, thinks it’s gross and all kinds of funny, and it’s a shame whenever she finds out an actor she likes is gay, because the thought of him sleeping with a man is gross.

I don’t know if anything I said actually makes sense, but in short: they’ll ignore any gayness that might approach them because, as far as they know, they’re not directly connected to it. If someone who happens to be gay approaches them, they probably won’t hate them to their face, but they’ll be weirded out by it (my dad especially), and will talk about how funny/uncomfortable gay people are. They’ll even go so far as to make disgusted faces and unappreciative noises if they ever see two guys/two girls kissing. They’re also afraid that gay people are like religious nuts – out to convince everyone to be like them, to flaunt their lifestyle, etc.

So in a way, I guess I have it better than most people. My parents aren’t crazy about religion and who knows, maybe with a little time and coaxing, they might ever actually come to believe that being gay isn’t that weird if one of their kids is gay. (My brother, on the other hand, is a whole other deal – gay guys are gross, blah, they’re just sissy babies, blah, blah, OMG, a gay guy looked at him, he’s totally cruising him, blah, blah and blah. The usual straight guy response to homosexuality. I have no clue what he thinks about lesbians, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t protest to seeing them make out, all hot and heavy and the like).

I probably sound bitter saying all this. I probably am bitter because, like I said, I believe that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. It’s not that big of a deal. Most people nowadays will be like, oh, you’re gay? That’s great, now lemme go back to my own problems. It’s the 21st century after all. Being gay is not a big deal at all.

Except for where I live, where homophobia is pretty common. But I don’t plan on staying here long after I finish college (I do have a few years ahead of me, but I guess I can wait), and once I move, I’m not going to take into account any of the bonds that I’ve formed/will form. Mostly because I haven’t formed many bonds yet, because I have a serious case of Holden Caulfield, in the sense that I’m your usual, self-centered, pretentious, self-hating, narcissistic, lonely, sarcastic teenager who thinks of themselves as better than other people while simultaneously putting themselves down for various insecurity reasons. And because I also genuinely don’t like the people I have to live with, and I figure that if I’m going to move by the time I’m at least 23, I won’t care about them in the long run. (And I also suck at creating any form of emotional bond with anyone – I’m considered aloof/cold/ /shy/quiet/etc.).

I probably sound like a complete and total judgmental, hypocritical bitch right now. And maybe, that is true. I try not to be judgmental (again, on account of my whole “yay, gay pride” and equality-for-all mindset), although I’m pretty sure I am. And as for being a hypocrite? Why, no, of course not. It’s not like on the surface, I completely support the cause of homosexuals being considered normal people, and then I go home and have mini freak-outs in my room because I might actually like girls, and for all my talk about how my parents would eventually grow to accept it and how I don’t care what people generally think and there’s nothing wrong with being different, I think about the mildly disgusted, confused looks on my parents’ faces and their comments of, “are you sure this isn’t a phase? Maybe it’s because you’ve never had a boyfriend?” or the way it sometimes (rarely) makes me flinch when someone says something wrong about homosexuality, or about how if someone asks me, I’ll say, everyone should do whatever they want, but yeah, gays kissing or getting married is weird or that actor being gay is off-putting.

Honestly, I think it would have been a lot better if I had been raised in a homophobic household, or if at least I hadn’t been hit by the sudden love for homoeroticism in literature and television. At least then I wouldn’t have to worry about being a hypocrite on top of being gay and unlikable. If I didn’t have all that talk in me about how being queer is fine, and I genuinely hated thought of people being gay, then that would have made more sense, my inability to accept myself as being gay.

The thing is, I have no clue if I’m actually gay. As much as the thought of looking in the mirror one fine day and admitting out loud, “I’m gay” or “I’m bisexual” is terrifying, it’s also tempting, because I would love to be able to do that.

I haven’t had any crush that I can think of on any of my peers so far – not male nor female. I have, however, had what I think to be a crush on a boy when I was in second grade. I also had what I think is probably a serious crush on one of my teachers, who’s a nice and young and pretty woman. I got over it eventually, but all that time, I’d get all flustered and awkward around her, and even typing this feels weird. Either because it makes me sound like a creep who could actually “fall” for a teacher, or because it’s a woman who I might have “fallen” for. I don’t know.

Pretty much all of my crushes have been on fictional characters – both male and female. The thing is, it always seemed like with the male characters, while I’d very much adore them and find them hot, or I would stare for hours on end, mesmerized by the hotness of the actor portraying them in shows, I never actually felt the whole butterfly thing in the stomach. And then, there are female characters, and even now, I can still remember having a strange liking towards Jean Grey and even Daphne from Scooby Doo when I was smaller. Who knows, maybe it’s the redheads that I like.

I’m actually tempted to stop writing this because now it’s getting oddly personal and I know that’s the point of this whole thing, and the fact that it took me ages to even get to this part must be ridiculous because it means I’ve been wasting your time so far.
Anyway – I’ve never kissed a girl. I kissed a boy once when I was mildly intoxicated, and I didn’t really feel anything other than my heart racing and some sense of self-disgust because, hey, lookie at me, I’m one of those girls who gets drunk and is so desperate for some kind of closeness, whether in the form of a boy or a girl, so that I’ll agree to kissing some drunk guy who comes along and offers. Also, the guy kept thrusting his tongue down my throat, so it wasn’t all that enjoyable. And like I said, I was pretty tipsy so I don’t remember feeling anything other than dumbness and confusion (and embarrassment because I’d never done that before and had no clue what to do and that made me feel like an idiot).

I’d like to go around “experimenting” – to actually get a boyfriend and see if I can feel anything for him. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t. Maybe then I can go out with a girl (although the chances of there being any out girl where I live are pretty slim), or kiss her, or fall in love, or whatever, and sort my priorities out. Maybe then I’ll come up with a concrete answer: I’m gay, I’m straight, I’m bisexual, I’m asexual, I’m pansexual, I’m omnisexual, I’m whatever variation you can think of.

But seeing as I spend most of my nights alone, and there’s no way anyone could actually ever like me in that way (not really a self-loathing thing, it’s just I’m really quiet and cold towards other people and I’m not pretty so no one will ever like me –okay, this is a self-loathing thing after all), I don’t think the possibility of me ever having a boyfriend, even if just for show, will arise until I’m in my last year of college. I’ll probably lose my virginity when I’m thirty. And if I lose it any earlier then it will be mostly to get it over with, and then I’ll start feeling the way I did after kissing that guy.

I got into homoeroticism and “slash”, when I started reading fanfiction a few years back. At first, the whole thing made me uncomfortable, and then I became that obsessed, self-proclaimed fag hag who wished for a gay best friend, while secretly wishing I could be a gay man if only so I could have sex with Jack Harkness or Brian Kinney or whoever else. Then I realized that I was being kind of dumb – so I became a self-proclaimed “straight” ally of the LGBT community and swore to myself when I was older, that I’d work at youth centers and help gay kids and write novels including characters that just happen to be gay. In theory, that idea sounds great, right? Only I always thought of doing it as an ally. Not an actual member of the community.

Until a few months ago, when for same strange reason, it hit me that lesbians weren’t just what I attribute to the word “lesbian” – they’re people and not sex objects and liking girls can be something as simple as having blue eyes, and hey, at least some part of hypocrisy left when I realized that. (I do have to thank shows like Pretty Little Liars and Teen Wolf for showing me that, yeah, gay characters are just gay. No reason to spend hours writing fanfiction with two dudes making out who hate themselves for loving each other and that being the only plot – oops). Then it all started getting jumbled and all of a sudden I come up with the idea that hey, I might be bisexual.

I spent weeks fretting about it, worrying and worrying. And then, just as suddenly, I decided to just let it go. If I was bisexual, big deal. I didn’t have to figure out at that exact moment. I’d figure it out in time. Just go with the flow.

So for around six months, I was cool about it. I’d think a guy was hot and I’d even give myself the liberty of saying a girl was hot when before, I would not dare allow a thought like that in. I’d stare at defined abs and drool, and then I’d look at whoever’s perfect, flawless face, and then I’d tell myself, even beneath my promise to just “go with it”, that the things I’d sometimes feel for girls were nothing more than admiration/girl crushes/or because I felt I could relate to them. Months later, and I’m still telling myself the same thing, but okay. Because now it’s not just the possibility of being bisexual that scares me, every once in a while – it’s the thought of actually being gay, or of ending up with a woman because I might be bisexual with an inclination towards women, or anything that would mean I’ll have to keep repeating in my mind “I might not like boys” whenever my mom talks to me about guys.

I can’t see myself with a girl. It’s…weird, simply put. I can barely see myself passionately making out with anyone, period, but at least I can fathom a long-term, actually loving relationship with a man. When I think of being with a girl…I just can’t see it. Maybe I think it’s weird or I can’t see it because I’ve been raised in this heteronormative world, and I’ve actually seen more guys with guys and guys with girls than girls with girls. Or maybe I can really just use it as my last hope that I might not be gay at all, or I might have a chance with guys.

(Although, up until this point, I’ve admitted – out loud and in my mind – there’s no possible way I’mfully straight. I mean, okay, I can tell myself I like guys but denial can only stretch so far).

Sometimes I’ll think of kissing a girl and it’ll be mildly exciting or interesting, and I won’t find anything wrong. Then I’ll have one of my mini freak-outs and start trying to erase that image from my mind because I can’t deal with it.

I’ve never had a crush on a girl, lately. And in a way, I want to. I don’t care if it’s a straight girl or a girl who’s even more in denial than I am – I just want to know if I can actually feel something, for girls or boys, and then to go through that heart-crushing experience of unrequited love and lingering gazes and wishing I could forever touch the back of her hand without her thinking it’s weird. I’ll take even a crush on a boy, and be potentially heartbroken by the end of that because all guys are douches. I just want to know if I can feel something for either boys or girls. Because this whole uncertainty thing does nothing but contribute to my self-denial – the more potential doorways I find towards being straight, the more excuses my brain can think of the more my intermittent denial can grow and expand, and soon enough I’ll be back to that place where I can’t even admit something as simple as a girl being hot because of a strange tug in my gut that tells me not to think that, because it’s wrong, as the thought lingers in the back of my mind.

Another thing is that I find girls making out hot and guys making out hot and a guy and a girl – it depends on who is actually making out. And so there’s that too. Something I was very aware of before my little discovery a few months back, but somehow I managed to ignore that. It’s funny, really. The thought was always there, lurking in my mind just short of actually striking hard enough, and yet I never acknowledged it as something that could happen to me. As if being gay only happens to certain people. It’s actually kind of funny, amidst it being confusing and weird and frustrating.

I guess my main point is that I needed to actually say this, because I feel like I’ll go crazy. This is the first sort of talking that I’ve ever done in regards to this. Of course now I seem to be completely ignoring that little rule I set for myself back when I thought firmly that I could be bisexual (I still do – I think), and so I think about it every single second of the day, except for when I’m distracted by school or something. And even then I’ll stop and look around and realize that I don’t fit in with these people, because they’d all certainly hate me for being who might be. I feel like a stranger. It’s disconcerting. I don’t like the feeling.

Maybe I’m putting too much thought into this – maybe all I have to do is wait because I know eventually I’ll come to accept it, because I have to, because if I don’t, I’ll always be that fake who said one thing and did the other and I don’t feel comfortable with living with that level of hypocrisy for my entire life – and in a few years, I’ll wonder why on earth my main concern was this when it’s not that big of a deal (I know that. Mentally, I know. But then I’ll be struck by the realization, and it won’t even matter anymore, because I don’t wanna be that person, I can’t be that person, that’s not who I am). It’s not like I’m ever actually going to come out until my twenties. Not to my family and not to whatever friends I might have.

I just wish I could realize it’s not that big of a deal. Or realize that I’m bisexual so I can have a shot of getting married and having kids with a guy. Or just anything. Or to stop thinking that I’m not that special, and just because I think that I am, that doesn’t mean that the usual rules for other people don’t apply to me. At this point, I’ll take anything I can get, just as long as it’s answers or something.

Wow, this is long. So maybe no one's actually going to read this, huh? Oops.