Why isn't it simple? Gay or Straight

You could be bisexual aka attraction for both sex's bisexuals like myself can range for likeing more of the homo side to the hetro side. I like girls ALOT more then guys i consider myself almost a lesbian. Everyones diffrent and you dont even have to label yourself. You could just call yourself Queer and be done with the whole debate over labels

 

It's far more important to know what you want than to have a name for it, but having a name for it usually follows from knowing what you want.

So, what do you want?

 

When I came out over 30 years ago, I thought the only choice was "gay" -- no "mostly gay", or "bisexual", or any other choice. It took me several years to realize it was more complicated. It turns out that while I have various preferences for appearance and sex acts, I generally don't care what gender the person is.

 

It took me two years. Even after coming out, I struggled with my internalized homophobia for another six years.

 

I second Ianthe's comment, it's what you want that matters, and yes, the name for it gives it a kind of legitimacy, because if there is a name for it, you are not alone with "it"

 

Why isn't sexuality simple? Because human nature is complicated. So it follows that sexuality would be too.

The common identity thing is one thing, but other than that, labels are simply labels. They're useful, and that's about as far as I would go.

I don't know why, but it always made sense to me that sexuality was a spectrum. I had a load of same-sex experiences (nothing big — trust me — but stuff that would make you question) in my early teenage years with friends. I never thought that made them gay; I just thought it was them experimenting with that little part of their sexuality. It's the same way if a really hot woman came in now, I'd probably fuck her.

But for the most part, I am attracted to guys romantically and sexually, and I visualise myself spending the rest of my life with a guy.

I know what Ianthe is trying to say when she says "What do you want?", but I don't think she's making her point as best as she could. It's more like "What do you feel?" or "Who are you attracted to?" or "Who makes you get butterflies in your stomach?" or "Who ignites your internal fire the most?". Even then, I don't think I'm doing a very good job of putting into words what I mean.

 

I don't know, I'm in high school so I have time to think about this, I've never done anything with another guy, so idk

 

I don't think you need to put into words those feelings or desires (those "wants"), it is really about comparisons, it's a calibration of feelings, if you will: you can only approach it from the relative standpoint between how you feel with one gender vs. the other. For many this is the clearest clue about orientation.

What's tricky is that it is all self-identification, it is you observing yourself, and the mind plays tricks with that all the time, including suppressing these "observations" in order to minimize the pain of the truth.

 

Greatwhale has said something that is important about being able to fool ourselves if we want to suppress our true feelings.

It is important to remember that sexuality is a continuum on the one side totally gay and on the other totally straight. The reality is that the center of that continuum is very fluid and not fixed ridged. If you are in the middle of that continuum you can swing both ways and be attracted to either men or women. Only you will know who you find attractive and who turns you on. Please do not get too worried about labels, they will become clear through the choices that you actually make, so give yourself time.

 

Amen, friend! I get you. It would be so much more simple if we would just be either gay, straight or bi. Trying to find a label that doesn't seem very obvious is tiring. But as you get to know yourself better, it's also more rewarding.

 

I agree that it would be so much simpler if gay and straight were the only two choices. It took me a long time to accept that bisexuality did exist. I knew that I was attracted to men but there was this curiosity about other women that I didn't want to address. I was very biphobic. I used to tell myself to make up my mind and that I couldn't like both. I thought bisexuality was just a step toward admitting you're gay.