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Not fully attracted to either sex?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by alTO, Mar 10, 2013.

  1. alTO

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    I've been struggling with my sexuality for nearly as long as I can remember. In the past couple of years I accepted the possibility of being gay, and since last summer have explored that possibility more.

    Over the past half year, I've "seen" three guys. The first two ended after I found it impossible to form a relationship. I saw them as friends, and that was it. Anything more didn't feel natural to me.

    Now for just over a week I've been seeing another guy who I met through a website. Again, I'm feeling the same resistance where any sort of relationship feels forced. I instinctively want to halt things where they are. The other day we tried cuddling and it progressed from there. I won't lie — I found it quite satisfying for a while — and eventually he gave me a BJ.

    The BJ I found only mildly satisfying, and what made me wonder was his apparent genuine satisfaction in giving it to me. The thing is, I had zero desire to give him one. (And didn't.) I never have felt this desire for anyone. It repulses me, honestly. I don't even find the penis desirable. Cuddling (and receiving, to a point) is all I desire.

    And after this experience, I've started looking at women and wondering which sex I'm really more attracted to. I've thought for a while I was bi leaning toward guys, but I don't even know anymore. I feel unable to form a relationship with a guy, and apparently I'm not even fully sexually compatible. The thought of "traditional" sex with a girl actually seems more desirable to me than giving a BJ or especially anything involving anal. (I'm still a virgin, though — I think mainly because of my fear of not being able to perform.)

    So...what do you think? I don't even know what the right move is at this point. I know of a few girls who have shown serious interest in me but I feel bad using them to "experiment," so to speak. The way I look/act everything assumes I'm fully straight, so they certainly wouldn't have suspicions. But I don't want to hurt anyone either...
     
  2. You probably just haven't found anyone yet. It'll work out.
     
  3. Lewnatic

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    You state that you've seen three guys in the past year, four if you include the one with the unsatisfying oral sex act. May I ask, since you state you're confused about who you like, why you've not thrown any women into the mix? Maybe you should try dating a few women and see where it takes you.

    And echoing SupremeEmperor, yeah. You probably just haven't found the right person yet. I must admit, I used to be very much like you. I met a couple of guys throughout the course of one year but I was always very uncomfortable, and one of them led to some mild sexual activity as it did with you and I, too, just did not enjoy it. I actually felt quite sick thinking about it afterwards. But then, not too long ago, I met a guy. I wasn't looking for a one, I met him by chance through a friend and we just connected. I went on a date with him, and I had never been excited for a date in my life. It was a very strange few weeks feeling a bunch of emotions that I had never felt before - but all of them were great, it was like I was overdosing on endorphins, heh. I really, really liked him and all of the questions just sort of...went away. So hang in there. Don't go looking for potential love interests and one will find you. I know that's one of the oldest sayings in the book, but it's actually sort of true.
     
  4. alTO

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    Thanks, guys.

    Lewnatic, it was actually three including the current one, but I guess that's not important. Perhaps you're right. There are friends of mine I've crushed on who I could see being happy with, but as far as they've indicated they're straight (although I wonder sometimes). I've had some serious crushes on female friends too, so I really am confused.

    Maybe you're right and I shouldn't worry too much. Eventually someone will come, guy or girl. I just wish I had a better idea about what I want. But as you say, maybe all those questions will be answered when I meet the right person.

    ---------- Post added 11th Mar 2013 at 12:52 PM ----------

    Btw, is it weird that I have no interest in reciprocating oral sex? (I guess you should reciprocate??) I can't imagine why someone would want to do that.
     
  5. Lewnatic

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    I don't particularly find oral sex appealing. I've tried it and it just made me heave and the taste was horrendous. Different peoole, different tastes however.
     
  6. alTO

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    But is the "etiquette" that if you receive you should give, if you will? I'm really pretty clueless about this. What confuses me is that some seem to enjoy giving when I find the thought in no way desirable.
     
  7. Lewnatic

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    Not really. If someone who gave me oral sex expected the act in return, I would simply tell them "no, I don't like it" and that would be that. But I've never been in that position with sexual partners anyway. Some guys like giving oral sex - that's where they get their pleasure, whereas other guys only like receiving it. Everyone is different.
     
  8. Naomilly92

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    I think experimenting with women may give you a clearer indication of what you're interested in and what you're not interested in
     
  9. alTO

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    Thanks, everyone and sorry for the slow reply. Your advice helped a lot. I think I do need to try with women. That should make things at least more clear.
     
  10. Zannan

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    I'd try with girls, if that doesn't work do you think you could possibly be aromantic? Some people don't feel attraction in general.
     
  11. alTO

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    Thanks, I don't think that's the case. I've felt more lonely lately and that something is "missing," as in sometime else in my life. And I've hesitated to even try a longer-term relationship with a girl because of the fear I might be gay. But after experimenting in that area I feel now I am more likely bi with a romantic preference for women. But we'll see - more experimenting is needed!
     
  12. cm81990

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    Experiment with women in a "no-strings attached" type of way. No emotions involved, both parties agree that it is only a hookup. No one gets hurt. If you find that you enjoy and desire sex with girls, then looking to date one would be an appropriate next step. I would advise against dating one first just to see if you "like" it or not. I did the no-strings attached with a girl and found the entire experience to be "boring." I had to think of guys to stay aroused. Me and the girl had no expectations, emotions, or anything. It was a friendly hookup. It confirmed my feelings all along.
     
    #12 cm81990, Mar 25, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 25, 2013
  13. alTO

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    Thanks, cm81990. That is actually a great idea. It has occurred to me before, actually, but I just don't know how to make it happen. It would have to be an acquaintance, and I don't know how I would propose this to someone I don't even know well. How did you do it?
     
  14. cm81990

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    I was at a party. I'm still in college, btw. She basically clung to me and wouldn't leave me alone lol.
     
  15. AshesofAshley

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    I have had over 50 partners of both sexes and I still don't know which sex I'm more attracted to. It seems like it's the person I'm attracted to and not the equipment. I wouldn't focus on which sex you are attracted to and just love everyone(safely/protected).

    Also, since you are unsure about different experiences, find you an "Anal Trainer Kit" from an adult toy store. They are specifically designed to get you used to the anal penetration over time. Give it a shot, you might find you like it.

    Keep your head up!!!(&&&)
     
  16. alTO

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    AshesofAshley, thanks. I think you're right that it's not worth getting worked up over figuring it out. That being said, I'm not sure when I'll be able to stop thinking about it.

    As for your second piece of advice, thanks but no thanks. I actually have zero desire to try that or have anything to do with it. And I can't figure out why anyone would. It's things like this that make me wonder how gay I could even be.
     
  17. alTO

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    Just to update, today I had a coffee date with a really cute girl. The funny thing is this "coffee date" ended up turning into a three-hour chat. I think we really hit it off.

    But I still have that uneasy feeling that while I am attracted to her, I'm not attracted enough. I can picture a relationship perfectly, but the sexual attraction isn't as strong as it is for certain guys. (The relationship part is what gives me trouble with guys.)

    I don't know what to do. I'm so frustrated with myself that I never know what I want. Sigh...
     
  18. AshesofAshley

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    That is excellent news, I'm happy for you! (!)
    For the rest of it tho, I wouldn't stress over it, if you like her explore that avenue, it can't hurt. Hope you the best!(*hug*)
     
  19. alTO

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    Thanks! :slight_smile:
    I just worry about hurting her if I decide it can't work, but I'm probably thinking too much.

    I also often wonder about if, hypothetically, we lived in a world where straight and gay relationships were both equally accepted, if I wouldn't have just gone with the latter out of sexual preference. It's hard for me to sort out what's behind my motivations.

    Anyway, perhaps it is best to give it a try with this girl and see what happens.
     
  20. alTO

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    Here is an (awkward) update. Yesterday I went on my second date with the girl mentioned above, this time for dinner at this Japanese izakaya I like.

    Here's the thing: this place is just a block away from the gay district. So, not too surprisingly, there were two guys behind us in my view who were presumably on a date. As soon as we sat down I couldn't stop noticing the guy facing in my direction. My sexual attraction to him was considerably stronger than to my date. I'm not sure I had any for my date at the time.

    When we said our goodbyes afterward I felt pretty bad. I felt like I was leading her on (although I honestly don't know that I am), and started questioning again if I could ever be in a relationship with a girl without these overpowering attractions to certain guys.

    Just today I had dinner with a good male friend who I've kind of had feelings for for years. He's "straight" but for many reasons I'm quite sure he's not fully (I wrote in detail here a while back). I think our friendship has continued over the years because of a mutual attraction that we never talk about because we're both "straight." And because we can't talk about it nothing ever advances, and I don't see this changing. He's one of the few guys I can actually picture being in a relationship with.

    Sorry for rambling but I'm just so frustrated. I feel doomed to never having a real relationship.