how to know the difference between internalized homophobia and beeing straight?

Well, as the title states. How do I know the difference!? How do I know its the straight in me that doesn't want to or what I've learned from my upbringing?

 

Well, its just that i've written on here about them a couple of times and got peoples opinion on them. So thats why I kind of like to know of how other people feel and such.
But sure, here we go again.

My suspicions is from the beginning based in what other people think. It started out with a friend calling me gay.

My feelings towards men that I know of is strictly friendship like, no crushes what so ever.
Allthough I can remember some times in my life where I've seen a guys dick and felt that I could get off to it. Never really felt any will to live something out with that either.
And in porn I do kind of find myself liking when I can see much of the dick, while a girl is doing something with it. Never felt any interest for the gayporn topic though. Allthough with these worries I tried watching gay porn and solo males and I found that I don't really like or pay any attention to what they do to each other or how they feel about it. I do however find it pretty able to get off to a solo male showing off his dick, allthough I feel grossed out at the same time.

With girls. Had alot of crushes. Love beeing around them. Always were really shy with girls though, very. Always had a problem getting a boner when getting down to it. Except for when with my 2 different girlfriends I had which I felt I was in love with it worked out allright once I started feeling comfortable with them.
Also had another short sexual relationship where it worked out quiet allright, though my worries about not get an erection made me want to not do it occasionally. Also never really was that in to lesbian porn, don't really feel that it gets as exciting as when she really wants it from a guy.

So I feel attracted to women, just really afraid of what will happen with them when I get down to business, will it work? Why is it not working?
And I also think my crushes happens on women. Like I said, never know that I felt anything else then wanting to be friend with a guy.

But, then, what is this me when thionk about it way back in my life, a very very few times beeing able to do it after seeing a guys dick and what is this me beeing able to look at one in porn while also feeling grossed out? Do I feel grossed out cause it's how I am supposed to feel from what I thought?

Lately I've been trying to check out guys though and trying to check out gay porn.
And then I realised, why do this if I dont have any crush on a guy and why look at gay porn if I feel grossed out? But then, shouldn't I just not feel attraction towards it instead of feeling grossed out. Like, I don't think gay men feel grossed out by the thought of having sex with a woman, isn't it just that they dont feel the attraction? Or am I wrong? That makes me think that this feeling grossed out could be me in denial or something.

I don't know. I don't want to have sex with men and I wan't to have sex with women even though I panic when getting down to it and end up beeing not able to get an erection because of it, especially with all these thoughts in my head.

There you go, another book with my thoughts. Thanks for listening.