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I'm confused and going in circles

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Exoskeleton, Mar 16, 2013.

  1. Exoskeleton

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    As the title says, I'm confused about my sexuality. I'm hoping for support, and maybe even some advice.

    I suppose a fair bit of history is in order, with everything that might be even slightly relevant, so that you can get the full picture. I'll go ahead and apologize in advance for the length.

    I've never been particularly feminine. I stopped wearing dresses and other stereotypically female clothing as soon as I was able to protest, and the older I got the more masculine my attire became. As a child, I didn't enjoy playing with girls. I preferred Hot Wheels and tree climbing to Barbies and "house," and found that I was much more compatible with little boys than I was with little girls. I idolized my older brother. We are six years apart, but as children I was tall for my age and he was short for his, so we saw eye to eye. I wanted to be just like him (a desire that got me more than one injury, over the years).

    When I was three up until I was around six or seven, I was molested by my father. My mother had believed that I was my father's favorite. He savagely beat my mother and my older brother (who is not biologically his son), and my mom's biggest reason for staying with him was for my sake and the sake of my younger sister. Because, surely, he wouldn't hurt his own children. After I told my mother of how he abused me and my sister, she decided to leave. We stayed in homeless shelters for a few months, relocated to a new state, and started over. Unfortunately, this meant my mom began searching for another mate. She found one, and her new boyfriend molested me when I was 8. I told her, but her boyfriend insisted that it had been accidental (he claimed that, in sleep induced delirium, he mistook me for my mother, which was complete and utter hogwash) and so she forgave him. I had to live with him for another three years, though there were no more incidents.

    Between my father and my mother's boyfriend, I developed a deep fear of men. I felt that every man I saw was planning to hurt me. If forced to be in close quarters with an older man (such as sitting next to one on a public bus) I would have panic attacks. All the same, I've had very vivid sexual fantasies and dreams since childhood, which until recently were entirely comprised of rape and domination by a male.

    I've always been introverted and socially awkward. This wasn't so much a problem in elementary school, but middle school was a social nightmare. I had started growing breasts in the fourth grade and hated them with a passion. They grew to be very big very fast. My clothes no longer fit the way I wanted them to, because men's tees aren't meant to house breasts. Beyond that, I felt like they were two bright lights planted firmly on my chest to which men's eyes were drawn like moths. I was devastated when they grew beyond concealability. It was suddenly very hard to look at myself in the mirror. The me in my head was curveless, masculine; but the mirror refused to show me that. But anyway, physically I was turning into a sexual being, but I felt no sexual attraction to my peers (or to any older people, for that matter). My classmates were all starting to date and gab about who was cute and what not. I could no longer be "one of the boys" because two lumps on my chest made it clear to them that I wasn't. I couldn't be one of the girls because I was uninteresting in shopping and boys, the only two things that seemed to matter.

    A girl once asked me which boys I thought were cute. I said that I didn't think any boy was cute. From then until the end of middle school, all of my peers considered me a lesbian. When they weren't avoiding me, they were mocking me. Of course, it didn't matter to them that I didn't think any girls were cute, either.

    Middle school was also when I started investigating pornography. I found videos of the naked bodies of both men and women to be icky, but I found animated pornography, especially the sort with inhuman creatures, to be intriguing (though not sexually arousing). I also began to dabble in cyber sex and erotica. Again, I didn't get even slightly sexually aroused from any of it. It was more of an intellectual venture; I wanted to learn as much about sex and what it was supposed to be like as I could.

    It wasn't until high school that I was able to see another person as physically attractive. The vast majority of the people I find visually appealing are females. Likewise, the first porn to ever get me going was lesbian. I'm indifferent to most men I see. If I pay attention, I can note how they are... artistically appealing, I suppose.

    At first I sort of told myself that girls were "pretty," but only boys were "hot," despite never having seen a guy that I considered hot. But, as I'm coming out of the depression that I've been in for years, and learning not to suppress all of my feelings, I'm finding myself staring at women from across the room, struck by how beautiful and sexy they are. I have only ever been attracted to one male, whom I am currently dating. But even then, I didn't start to be physically attracted to him until well after we had formed a deep emotional connection. It seems that all of the physical attraction I feel for him stems from the fact that his body houses his heart/mind/soul/etc.

    As far as other people are concerned, most seem to think I'm lesbian, both people who have just met me and those who have known me for a long while. Those who ask rather than assume usually seem surprised when I tell them that I'm straight (as that's the label I'm going with, for now), and immediately ask "Are you bi, then?"

    I suppose it's also relevant that my mom seriously objects to homosexuality. She's deeply religious, and believes that to be gay is to be confused and a sinner, and has thus raised me to be terrified of being gay. I've had conversations with her in the past about various elements of homosexuality and gay rights (during all of which she inevitably said something to the effect of "You better not be trying to tell me that you're gay") and she's made it quite clear that she believes gay people to be almost inhuman, that they should never come out of the closet, that it's impossible for a same-sex relationship to be as deep as a "real" heterosexual one, so on and so forth. She only allows me to dress as I do only because I have (falsely) assured her that it doesn't stem from any confusion about my sexuality (though she still tries to force me to wear more suitable, feminine clothing). I've given up on discussing with her any LGBT issues, as those discussions never end well.

    And so, I'm confused and deeply disturbed. I suppose I am afraid there's some unchangeable part of me that's attracted to women, even though mentally I see nothing wrong with that. But even if there is or if there isn't, I have no answer when I ask myself why it matters to me so much. I've found a person that I love, and would like to forge a lifelong relationship with them. So then it shouldn't really matter what sex I'm attracted to. And yet it does. And so I spin in circles.

    Thanks for reading~
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Hey im sorry for the traumas you have suffered in the past, I guess they are both relevant and irrelevant in this story whilst they have impacted your life, I doubt it will have effected your sexuality.

    You have to try and forget about your Mother and her views for the moment as that will not help you to work out how you feel. I guess you have to try and objectively look at the situation with your boyfriend and say do I fancy him and love him as a partner and lover or do I love the person he is as a friend and do I love being in a relationship. It will take time but im sure talking to people here can help you figure things out.
     
  3. AloneAsian

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    Just wondering why you think boys need to be "hot" if you've never found proof? Also, I think it's good that you've had some experience with guys after your childhood trauma. It's great that you've developed a physical connection after first discovering the emotional one. Perhaps you could be courageous and try the same with a girl (first find an emotional connection and wait for the physical)? Of course, if it works out with the guy and you're perfectly in love, then maybe it's best to concentrate on one relationship at a time :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  4. Exoskeleton

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    I don't think that anymore, I just used to. I'm sort of hoping that I'll never have to worry about another relationship. But sometimes things don't work out that way, I know. Thanks for your help :icon_bigg