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Questioning - heavily

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by benj9927, Mar 17, 2013.

  1. benj9927

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    Hi all, this is actually my second time signing up on here, the last time 5 years ago, so a big space in between. I've read the board a fair bit in the last few weeks and the general feeling I get from most people is very approachable and accepting that everyone is different and things take time which is why I think it works. (Just read this back, it really is just a wall of text, sorry about this!)

    I'm a 24 year old male currently living in London, moved for work 6 months ago. As I said, I've signed up here before - the last time I signed up I was 19 and had just broken up with a girlfriend. I was slightly depressed and didn't really understand myself, but came to the conclusion I may have been gay, and almost told a female friend who was detached from my other friends. Something came up by fluke and that was the end of it, back to square one. I'm back because I still don't understand myself at all. I honestly don't trust my mind at all, part of me thinks I'm gay, another part straight, I'm always second guessing myself and trying to explain away behaviour, and wish I could just resolve it and get on with my life.

    So, the basics. I'm generally a pretty happy guy, had a serious bout of depression about age 10 but since getting over that I've never felt like I couldn't deal with it. I really like my life, have the same issues most people have but consider myself very stable. I am relatively popular (I like to think) and tend to do quite well with women - although rarely strangers, normally female friends that I end up sleeping with. I've had 3 girlfriends I'd consider real relationships - the first I didn't really like the girl, the second was just about sex and physical attraction and the third was actually mature! but ended because I went away travelling (it always had an end date). I don't know how much feeling I've actually had for any of the girls - I've been attracted to them but always felt that I didn't really get into them the way I know other people fell for people. Whether its because I've been faking the attraction, or because I've just got a dulled emotions, or just because I simple havn't met the right girl I'm unsure and I can't work out. But theres always been thoughts that I may be gay. I find guys attractive and really appreciate the male body - but again, can't work out if this it is in a homosexual, sexual way or not. I've had no gay experiences (and growing up for a few years I had a fair amount of gay friends and met a lot of gay people so I'd have thought it would have happened during that period) and honestly, don't really like gay sex. I occasionally watch gay videos but find myself normally moving back to watching straight ones, so again, thats not giveaway. The main issue for me is the feeling I get with guys. Its definitely been more intense the older I've got - in school I never really felt it (again, noticed that guys were attractive sometimes but never really had a "crush" and just explained it away at being teen angst), during first years of uni occasionally had odd feelings but - yeah, I don't know! The best way I can describe the feeling is a deep set anxiety when thinking about a certain guy (one of who is a friend who came out to me as gay after a few months, I was the first person he told and I really helped him through it). The feeling normally is intense for a day or a few days, maybe a few weeks, but then goes. It's not one I get for girls, but I've often thought of it as being a kind of "gay fear" - even though I'm comfortable with gay people, if I meet a guy and we are becoming close friends I often think I'm falling for them. This happened again when I moved into a house with a guy I worked with - as soon as I signed the contract I got the dreaded feeling and thought "oh god I can't deal with having this "crush" feeling with someone I lived with. During the next few months it wasn't too much fun and I had anxiety problems around him kinda, but have dealt with it now. Again, I can't work out if it's me being gay or just some weird anxiety coming over me! But whats weird now is that every time I meet a new guy now, it seems to happen. I met a girl last night who I found attractive but didn't feel any emotion forr, and then a guy afterwards (very good looking, maybe gay, unsure) and had these weird feelings, and then have thought about him a lot today. But can't work out what it means!

    Wow, that was a self indulgent paragraph. Just thought I'd get all my thoughts about the matter out in a very frank way and try and be as matter-of-fact as possible. So my situation now - what I would really like is to work out what I am. I know that a lable is not necessery, and that everyone is different, and accepting yourself is the first step, but I feel I need to make some kind of step as at the moment I'm living life in limbo! I will continue getting with girls without really feeling anything whilst having these weird anxiety feelings around guys without knowing if its my latent homosexuality coming out. Ideally I just want some people to talk to, because I can't have these conversations with anyone in my real life as I feel like once I voice these feelings I will be forever thought of as "gay" and don't want to then come to the conclusion that I'm not! Most of my friends are not homophobic and even the "lad" friends that make gay jokes aren't actually anti gay, just a bit ignorant to it. So I think if I was gay, it wouldn't cause too many issues, although obviosuly I'm worried it would have a big impact on my life. But then the other side of me is worried that by just waiting to find out without actually doing anything is going to end up taking years with me getting into lots of failed relationships and then looking back and thinking "for gods sake, you knew you were gay, why didn't you come out!". So yeah, I'd like most for some people to talk to about these things with, particularly those who can identify in some way or if they feel like they can help me figure out who I am.

    Sorry for such a self centered first post, I'm not this into myself I promise! Actually I found it quite cathartic to get it all written down. But I'm not looking for a one way relationship - I'm here to help as well, please contact me if you've got anything you want to talk about. I like having online friends as you can get in deep conversations with them about things you don't tell your best mate, its a valuable outlet. So yes... hi! Thanks for the great forum. Now please, sort my life out for me!

    tl:dr - Questioning, heavily. Could be gay, straight or bisexual, (or all 3). Would quite like for it to stop being an issue and weighing so heavily on my mind at all times.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Welcome back to EC after so many years!

    It is probably appropriate to compare how you feel with women as you do with men. The problem with a label at this questioning stage is that calling yourself gay may be precisely wrong whereas bisexual could be approximately right.

    You stated that you didn't get off on gay sex, that is a definite clue; you also stated that you did not feel a strong emotional attachment with your female encounters, that is another clue. This anxiety with guys, you said it was intense at times, that may be one of the more important clues, as it appears to have intensified since you were last here.

    These three elements need to be examined more closely, perhaps again, the word anxiety could be precisely wrong, but a weird or intense feeling may be approximately right. You need to examine that feeling more closely, is it a fear of revealing yourself?

    All I can offer is a set of questions, you will need to dialogue with many of us here in order to get to the truth, but the first thing I would suggest is that you observe yourself very carefully and keep a journal to capture the nuances of how you feel, it may help.
     
  3. Monocle

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    I'm afraid I'm not going to be much help, as I am in pretty much the exact same situation as you! I know I'm sexually attracted to guys, but I only really have crushes on girls. It's a pain in the butt, but EC has helped a lot even though I've only been here for a couple days.

    Would you say those anxious feelings you're having toward your guy friends are "omg what if I fall for him" type of feelings or "I like this guy a lot so I'm nervous/shy around him" type of feelings?

    Best of luck to you, I hope you find the answers you're seeking and if you need to talk, I'm here.
     
  4. benj9927

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    Thank you both for your ridiculously quick responses

    Greatwhale: I find it hard to compare how I feel for both, but I'll try and articulate it. Looks wise - when i try and think logically, I prefer the male body. An attractive male in shape I think looks very impressive, and I find men can be handsome very easily, even with their flaws. With girls, I seem to be looking for perfection. I see negatives rather than positives, whereas with guys its the other way around. Saying that I still find girls cute and attractive. And if I have to look at either (I'm sure I'm not the only one who during the questioning stage does this "self test" - for me its either a gallery on "the chive" or "the berry") I seem to find myself looking at girls, even though I seem to appreciate guys more. I don't really fantastise about guys either. I have always tended to think I appreciate guys more because theres a very clear formula in my head to an attractive guy - athletic body in proportion, good jawline, high cheekbones) so if it ticks those boxes I think "yep, good looking!" whereas for a girl its not quite so clear...

    In regards to the feeling I get, definitely stronger with guys, but I don't know if its "feelings" or "anxiety". I've always thought regarding my feelings towards girls, that they have rarely been that strong (not really any ongoing "butterflies") and I've always kind of wanted more (when I've been with a girl). But then these feelings with guys - it's not a comfortable feeling. The way people often describe a crush is butterflies and nerves but, at the end of the day, a great feeling, and wanting to be around the person. I don't feel that - even if I get on great with the person, its more just an uncomfortable feeling that I want to go away, particularly as I become better friends with someone and get to know them more. But I don't know if this is a subconscious internal homophobia where I think "I can't be too close to this guy, because that's gay!" or whether its me actually liking them. And yes, it does seem to be more in recent months/years. I've always dismissed my lack of "butterflies" etc with girls as me being male as I know plenty of guys who can kiss/have sex with girls and not really care about their closeness. And if I am gay and this is what attraction actually feels like, then I'm in for a rough ride, because as I said it not something I enjoy feeling and I've never had to put up with this really until now so if every time I fall for someone it's like this, god damn!

    Monocle: sorry to hear that you are in the same situation, its tough going. It says you are out to some people in your status - it that as bisexual or as a lesbian. Or as simply "liking girls?"
    Um the feelings I get tend to be "well, i can see this guy is attractive". And then because I've had that thought I then think "of god what if I fall for him." With this housemate I mentioned, hes a good looking guy and very nice but not at all what I would expect myself to like, as we have opposite senses of humour, he can be very boring... I dunno, I don't see many good reasons to like him! So that's why it annoyed me and worried me - I don't like the idea of falling for people that aren't fall-worthy! One thing I've thought before is that I can tell a guys attractiveness and see the effect that he has on people, and see a girls reaction to that, and then I mirror that reaction. So the girls I know fancy this guy, and then I find myself thinking of him as good looking and looking for those attractive qualities. I dunno, its very odd! I don't consider myself to have anxiety issues btw, and I'm quite competent socially, so although I refer to it as anxiety, this maybe wouldn't fit in with my character.

    Thanks for the offer of a chat, I may well take you up on that :icon_wink
     
  5. Monocle

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    It's sort of complicated. I've always him-hawed on my sexuality and declined to confirm or deny it for people, but I sort of came out the other day to my cousin, sister, and sister-in-law. A lot of people just assume I'm a lesbian, buuut really I'm only out about "liking girls". It keeps things simple and means I don't have to adopt a label til I'm ready.

    It seems to me like you can appreciate that another man is attractive, but you're not especially into men yourself. Maybe you're worried that if you acknowledge that a guy is objectively attractive and you put yourself in the minds of those girls, somehow you'll become attracted to him.

    As for judging girls more harshly (you said you notice their physical flaws more easily and are quicker to criticize them in your mind's eye), it could just be you're picky (not necessarily anything wrong with that, lol) and you give the guys a free pass because you don't want to be judged too harshly.

    It's a complicated situation, but I'm sure you'll figure it out.