Please help me..

This has been going on for almost a year now and I just cannot take it anymore. I am 25 years old and last year when I was really stoned I decided that I was gay and have been wrestling with myself every single day since. The reason that I am so confused is that I have been in two long term relationships with women and had quite a few sexual partners of the opposite sex. Add to that the fact that I was head over heels in love with several girls between the ages of about 12-16.

I won't beat around the bush. I masturbated to gay porn once and I also masturbated to the thought of being with a man once. The first time was probably when I was 14-15 and the other when I was 22. I also masturbated to shemales quite a bit for about 6 months but none of this ever bothered me, especially the two gay instances. When I did them I didn't go into denial or block them out or anything like that, I just went "Hmmm, ok so I managed to do that and it is what it is" and I continued going about my day. So I don't feel as though that when I had this freak out that these were things that suddenly jumped out of nowhere or anything like that.

I won't lie, the thought of being part of what is still technically deemed a minority does scare me to an extent. I have acknowledged that that may be playing a part, but every time I have tried to get myself to watch gay porn since I start feeling sick and really upset. I have spent my life opening up porn sites to watch women or man on woman porn. While I'll admit that I have never been a huge fan of lesbian porn, I don't think that's really a huge shock considering many men I know claim to find it rather uninspiring as well.

My point is, is it really possible to go almost 25 years without realising such a thing? Especially when you have been fascinated by women since a young age and been masturbating to them your whole life. Is it possible to really become THAT conditioned that I could have spent pretty much from the age of 12-13 jerking off to something I didn't really enjoy? I mean, it's not like I jerked off to the dude for the first time and decided it was the road for me.

When I was a teenager I said to myself that I would be willing to experiment with a guy if it was a scenario that I felt comfortable in, but that never freaked me out or made me start wondering what the hell was up with me. Just like the times that I had the two gay experiences, I just took it as it was and went about my day. But now I am freaking out wondering if everything I have lived so far has been a complete fabrication. Because no matter what I do this thought gets in my head the whole time and paralyses me with fear, to the point now where if I even hear the words "gay" "coming out" or "closet" or anything like that it triggers in my brain and I get nervous.

I am not religious, I do not have strict parents, I have gay friends, so there has been nothing in my life that has said that being gay is wrong (though I will concede that anyone who grows up around teenage guys probably does feel pressure to a certain extent to fit in, so I won't act like that may not be an issue).

With my girlfriends I was known to panic a lot with them and worry that they would leave me or that they were cheating on me with another guy, which lead to questions of whether I had OCD, as my worrying got to the point of near insanity. So there is that part of me that questions as to whether or not it may be HOCD. But at the same time it makes it very hard to be able to believe whether or not that may be the case, as I previously admitted that I have had a few occasions revolving around either guys or shemales. I guess the real confusion for me was that at the time there was no awkwardness about it. I just did it and I was ok with it and I kept doing my thing.

But now all of I sudden I am paralysed by this fear of "You're gay. All the women you have been with are a total lie. You will never sleep with women again. Every woman you have flirted with or felt a connection with has simply been friendship for me that I have misinterpreted as romance or something else." and it's truly bugging me now because I have still been sleeping with women except that now I am not enjoying it anywhere near as much as I used to. During sex my brain is just going "You better cum soon or she is going to suspect something" which obviously puts a ridiculous amount of pressure on me (this never happened before).

Please people. I am sorry for the life story. But this has been going on 10 months now. Does that mean that if it's been this long I just need to accept that I am not who I thought or is there the legit possibility that a stoned freak out has been playing on my mind too much? It seems crazy considering the amount of women I have been with, had crushes on, been obsessed with. A dude even tried to kiss me when I was about 16 and I absolutely freaked out. I hooked up with a good looking guy last year but it felt completely unnatural and strange and I didn't enjoy it. Could I just have disliked it because it was foreign?

I should point out that when this freak out happened was during a two month period of my life where everything was going perfectly and I was really happy and enjoying myself. Does my subconscience want to ruin the party or did I only find out about this because I was enjoying life?

I'm so sorry for the rambling but I cannot afford a therapist or talk to my ex-gf either. I would just like some suggestions. Sexuality may be fluid, but these thoughts still plague my brain all the time..