Confused

I am quite confused at the moment. I am still young (18) and I’m not sure if I should be worrying about this right now. Yet I am thinking about it a lot and would really appreciate some objective guidance.

First I must probably mention I had a bad experience at 15 with an older (much older) man. It left me hurt, scarred and confused. I’ve in the mean time made peace with what has happened. (Only mentioning it because I am afraid it might be clouding my vision) About a month after that happened (at that time there were only two people who knew – me and him) I was not coping at all. A few friends helped me through that patch without judging me and helped me to get the help that I did not like to admit needing.

As time passed and I began to see clearly again I started thinking about dating and relationships again. Before it happened I did not have any relationships or any real crushes. I faked interest in a senior guy for my friends’ entertainment once, but I did not really like anyone. I was quite happy just to concentrate on having a much fun as possible, doing as little work as possible and staying out of trouble. Guys just weren’t part of that equation.

This past year or so I started thinking that I might be lesbian... I can see the beauty in a man’s body, the muscles and the perfect balance of a well built guy, but I look at it as an artist would: seeing the perfect proportions with which God created things. I see that very same beauty in an old caring face or a striking sunset.

There is this one friend who has been there for me the past 3 years. Before I go to sleep at night I think about her. I dream about what it might be like to wake up next to her every morning and to fall asleep in each other’s arms each night. I felt jealousy when a friend (a guy – good personality and decent looks) mentioned (even though he wasn’t serious) liking her and felt relieved when she showed no interest in him. I love the way she rolls her eyes at me when I’m talking nonsense or when I’m deliberately using poor logic. Just when I want to get angry or frustrated when she teases me she gives one of those beautiful innocent smiles.

Is it just a very strong friendship? (I don’t feel like this about the other people that helped me through tough times.) Does questioning my sexuality mean I am lesbian? Am I just afraid of men because of previous experiences? What should I do either way?

 

I have no past relationship experience to speak of. A guy tried to ask for my number once (according to the friend that was with me he was good looking, I just thought he had a stiff neck and a big ego) I ended up saying no without even noticing that he was flirting with me (which might explain him rubbing his neck etc.:lol my friends thought it was hilarious:dry:
I have never felt this way about anyone before, but I have always been a bit more over protective/jealous of my best friend...
I've had fantasies about guys before, but it was more the perfect life with kids and a dog type of thing... But when I think about cuddling or kissing etc. someone I just feel more comfortable with the idea of it being a woman.
I know this isn't a sure indicator, but in an effort to figure this out I watched a clip of girls making out and got really turned on:icon_redf A hetro couple or two guys did not have the same effect.
I am 100% sure I am not entirely straight, I might be bi, but for now I have a crush on a girl and I don't want to label myself bi just because I am unsure or haven't accepted it yet :eusa_doh: I probably shouldn't be labeling myself at all...
There are times when I am 100% sure I am gay and everything just makes sense, then I start doubting again and then I end up thinking it's just a phase that I will grow out of.
I wish there was a simple way to be sure!!