Accepting it I guess

First off; you are not a failure and you are not letting anybody down. I know exactly where you are coming from, I only came out to myself a few weeks ago and am still in the process of accepting it due to my religious up-bringing. Don't come out yet. It seems as though you live in an environment hostile towards gay people and your first concern is your safety. Also, I'm assuming you live with your parents? If you told them and they kicked you out you would really be up shit creek without a paddle. I have also been toying with the idea of coming out to my mom, but a lot of advice I have read is to be comfortable and accepting of yourself before doing so, and since I havent fully accepted it yet, I'm going to remain in closet just a bit longer. So basically, forget about coming out for now, and focus on accepting yourself. Because if you can't accept yourself, why would other people accept you? And if it helps, don't think of it as lying to your folks, think of it as witholding information to protect yourself. And while boyfriends/girlfriends are great, you are still young. Take it from an almost 24 year old still living with his parents (about to start college though, better late than never) focus on school and a career for now. Then when you are independant and stable, and won't have to worry about bringing another guy over to your folks house, then think about a relationship. I believe that the main reason why your family hates gay people is because they don't understand it. Human nature is to be afraid of things we don't understand, then turn that fear into hate. Example; I'm scared of spiders so I hate them. So if there were ways to very subtly teach your parents that sexual orientation is not a choice, and that lgbt people are just like everyone else, that would help out a lot down the road when and if you do come out. Last advice I have to give; pick one thing and tackle it. If you work on several things at once, you have more of a chance at failing at one or all of them. So focus on yourself for now, since you are the important thing to yourself. Accept yourself, then become comfortable with it before moving on to the next task. It may take some time, but it will be worth it in the long run.

 

I think a larger problem than figuring out how to come out is your shyness. First, find a way to get a good night's sleep regularly. Then, try practicing conversations and smalltalk (you can practice with your family or people at stores). Then, when you're ready, attend normal social events. Like Canis Lupus said, coming out can wait until you feel more comfortable (and are well-rested).

 

if your family really loves you,
they will support you no matter what,
even if you are a drug addict for example, lol

 

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way, but I can understand why. I would just like to say that I'm "half-adopted" (my mom and step-dad raised me, then my mom passed away) so I get how indebted you feel to your parents. They gave you a new life... but with that, they have a responsibility to let you live that life however you choose. And if that means accepting yourself, coming out of the closet, and falling madly in love with another man, they're just going to have to learn to cope. Given enough time and incentive, they might just come around... you never know until you try.

A lot of times our families will say callous things about LGBT people without realizing how close to him it's hitting. My paternal grandma blames everything that's wrong in the US on gay people. She doesn't know how I feel about women. She's prejudiced against things she doesn't understand, so if I were to come out to her, I'd begin by disagreeing with her. I'd say that some people are born a little different from others, and there's nothing wrong or insidious about it. Just baby steps, you know? You don't have to say it all at once.

As far as social anxiety goes, I understand that too. I used to get sweaty palms whenever I made a new thread on a forum, or saw that I had a message on Facebook. I started pushing myself little by little and over time, I got better at small talk and just talking to people in general. I wasn't so worried all the time. Of course, sometimes it's not that simple, but little measures like that do help.

It's true that it's better to be comfortable with yourself first before finding a boyfriend. It's so easy to let your own issues and anxiety get wrapped up in a fresh new relationship, and believe me, you don't want that. You end up projecting a lot of your own insecurities onto the other person... and there are those out there who would take advantage of someone in such a vulnerable position. I don't mean to scare you or anything, just mean to say that the romance aspect of life will sort itself out when you're ready.

I'm glad you have some friends at school who accept and support you. That's wonderful! (*hug*)

 

Hi there

I know where you're coming from on the lack of sleep issue. I get occasional bouts of insomnia that have me only getting a few hours sleep or even being up 24hrs at a time. It's hell. And most sleep meds don't work for me. My body either adapts to them after a few uses or just shrugs them off entirely on the first try with no effect. That said, I've found that a proper diet and things like a nice cup of tea or even just learning to relax and sort of doze or 'drift' can help a lot. Of course, it sounds like the best solution in your case could be helping you ease your feelings about being gay. So let's talk about that a bit

In what way do you feel you are a failure for being gay? The most common things I've heard as reasons for this sort of feeling (and my responses to them)are:

a) Not being able to produce children

The days of needing to produce offspring to help keep the tribe going or defend the city from the next city over the hill are long gone. There are near 7 billion people on the planet, we are in no danger of running out any time soon. For that matter, being gay is no longer a barrier to having children, whether via adoption or surrogacy. If you decide you want kids, there's no reason you can't have as many as you can afford.

b) Not being able to have a wife and a 'normal' life:

Ok, the whole wife thing is probably kind of off the table. But you can certainly have a boyfriend, a partner, and even a husband if you live in the right state or country (and there are more of those popping up all the time). This assumes you are concerned with legal recognition of your relationship (which should concern you actually, people like us deserve it too). Ultimately, what a spouse is is the person you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with and who feels the same about you.

As for a 'normal' life. There are lots of things in life that aren't 'normal' but which are highly valued. Diamonds aren't 'normal' and look how most people feel about them. Neither are rainbows or a perfect sunset. "Not Normal" can be anything you choose to make of it. So why not make it the best it can be for you (which can be very good indeed).

c) Going against society - If you live in a democracy you are living in the product of something that goes against the bulk of human society and history. Does that mean it's a bad thing? Same for respecting human rights, or women's rights, or most every other social advance since someone decide that sharpening flint just might have some practical application. Society is a constantly changing thing and what it thinks is 'right and proper' today will likely be looked at with barely suppressed horror tomorrow. Remember, society once thought slavery was a fine idea. So take its present views about LGBT people with exactly as much weight as they deserve.

d) Disappointing the parents - I was raised to believe that ultimately what every parent should want is for their child to be happy. Whether or not they find that happiness in a manner their parents expect (or even approve of) is ultimately of secondary importance. Your parents adopted you and that is a fine thing. You can love and respect them for that without letting them dictate your life. Because as great a thing as raising you was, it does not give them the right to run your life forevermore. That's not how that particular social contract works.

If you can build a happy life for yourself, you are not letting your parents down. You're doing exactly what they should be hoping you will do and would do when they decided to raise you.

I've had friends who made statements along these lines before I came out to them. Then the whole 'gay person' thing suddenly got a lot more real for them and they both apologized for the things they said and continued to be my good friends. On a more personal note, if you look around in the news section of this site or probably on Google, you will see a story about US Senator Rob Portman, a staunch conservative and anti-gay marriage crusader recently announcing that he had changed his stance on gay marriage because his son was gay. When it's your own flesh and blood (and you are their flesh and blood, adoption notwithstanding, I have adopted siblings and am half-adopted myself and my best friends son is adopted) things can suddenly get a lot more real.

I can't guarantee your family will take your coming out well. But it might not be as bad as you fear either.

If you were out dealing drugs or stealing or the like, you might have a point about disappointing them. Those things are choices. Being gay is not a choice. So you can't be 'repaying' them by being gay any more than you can by having a certain eye color or tanning easily or being allergic to cats. You are what you are.

Accept yourself as a good and worthwhile human being who happens to be gay. Because being gay is only one small part of everything you are. Those who can't see that are probably not worth the bother. And you've already mentioned you have friends who you are out to and who love you anyway. So you have precedent to know that being gay doesn't solely define you.

As far as the bright side of being gay -

What are the bright sides of being gay? Making love to a guy you think is really hot. Waking up next to the man you love. Having friends who like you for being who you are. Seeing your adopted son or daughter take their first steps or look up at you and say 'Da-da'. Etc.

I would ask what is the bright side of being human? Because most everything ever other human on the planet can do and be and enjoy, you can do as well. You can't get into females. Ok. I can't get into guacamole. Ok. Ultimately in both cases we are talking about something that is a matter of taste.

You probably don't stress about the fact that you like some foods that others don't. How is being gay any different, ultimately? And why should you stress over it any more? Sure, some other people stress over it quite a lot. But that's their problem (and they are indeed the ones with a problem. Not you.)

My 2c worth. Hope this helps,

Todd

 

Just to add one other thing to this. This thread here might be something you find helpful as well:

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/86872-how-accept-you-gay.html

Todd