I was raised in a strict christian home in the middle of an incredibly conservative area. Being gay was just never an option, my parents have always made that clear especially my dad. But the truth is my sexuality has been a big question mark for me since I was old enough to understand sexuality. I always felt when I was younger that I was different from all my friends. They liked boys and I struggled to understand what they meant and what they felt when they talked about liking a boy. It just wasn't there for me. It wasn't something I ever discussed with anybody(I still haven't). I guess I was about 13 when I began to realize that I liked girls and it made me feel sick. When I was about 14 the son of one of my mom's friends came out and I remember the reaction he got, not only from his family but everyone around. I knew then I just couldn't come out. I wasn't strong enough to handle what they'd put him through. So I not only hid it, I completely pushed it away. At the time I was really good friend who I'd known since I was 4 and to be very honest I liked her, a lot. I pushed her away and eventually she got tired of waiting for me to let her back in and she walked away. I was devastated but I knew it was my fault so there wasn't much I could do. I was really depressed at the time and on the verge of suicide more than once. I met a guy a few months later and we started dating. I threw myself into the relationship and at first it was great. So for the next several years there was enough in my life to push my sexuality and all of that away. But as these things have a way of doing I couldn't push it away forever. I waited longer to go to college than most. I was 22 and was just attending the local community college. My 2nd semester in I met a woman who was about 10 years older than me. She was openly gay and in a long term relationship. But this woman and I had an instant connection. She was easy to talk to and although I never told her about my confusion on my sexuality I think she picked up on it. We had conversations about it without directly discussing it, I know that probably doesn't make sense but I don't know how else to explain it. But her girlfriend quickly became uncomfortable with our friendship and the obvious connection and chemistry we had. She asked her to stop talking to me and she told me she wouldn't lose her girlfriend over me. I was hurt but I completely understood and respected that and that was that. I would never consider doing anything to mess with someone else's relationship. But those few short months pushed all of the confusion over my sexuality to the front. That was 3 years ago and my attempts at pushing that all back since has failed and my confusion has only gotten stronger. I'm alone. I have no friends. I have my boyfriend still(we've been together ten years) but honestly I feel like this relationship is going no where and he would certainly never understand this. I really think I'm a lesbian. But I have no idea how I would ever be able to do anything about it. I'm so unhappy. I go back and forth between being okay with being gay to hating myself and feeling disgusting for it. I hate this! I hate the confusion and feeling like I'm two different people but I'm not in a place right now that coming out is a possibility. I don't feel like I can even explore this and figure who I really am or what I really want. I think I'm lesbian but I also do feel attracted to guys sometimes. I just don't know. So I guess I'm kind of looking for some place to talk and meet people who don't know me and won't judge me. I found this place by accident and thought I'd make an account and see if I could find someone to talk to.
Hello, and welcome to EC! I know what you mean about not being in a place to come out. If you don't mind, I want to copy and paste some advice I gave another member on here, because I believe it is relevant to your situation. I know exactly where you are coming from, I only came out to myself a few weeks ago and am still in the process of accepting it due to my religious up-bringing. Don't come out yet. It seems as though you live in an environment hostile towards gay people and your first concern is your safety. Also, I'm assuming you live with your parents? If you told them and they kicked you out you would really be up shit creek without a paddle. I have also been toying with the idea of coming out to my mom, but a lot of advice I have read is to be comfortable and accepting of yourself before doing so, and since I havent fully accepted it yet, I'm going to remain in closet just a bit longer. So basically, forget about coming out for now, and focus on accepting yourself. Because if you can't accept yourself, why would other people accept you? And if it helps, don't think of it as lying to your folks, think of it as witholding information to protect yourself. And while boyfriends/girlfriends are great, you are still young. Take it from an almost 24 year old still living with his parents (about to start college though, better late than never) focus on school and a career for now. Then when you are independant and stable, and won't have to worry about bringing another guy over to your folks house, then think about a relationship. I believe that the main reason why your family hates gay people is because they don't understand it. Human nature is to be afraid of things we don't understand, then turn that fear into hate. Example; I'm scared of spiders so I hate them. So if there were ways to very subtly teach your parents that sexual orientation is not a choice, and that lgbt people are just like everyone else, that would help out a lot down the road when and if you do come out. Last advice I have to give; pick one thing and tackle it. If you work on several things at once, you have more of a chance at failing at one or all of them. So focus on yourself for now, since you are the important thing to yourself. Accept yourself, then become comfortable with it before moving on to the next task. It may take some time, but it will be worth it in the long run.
I have no simple answer to your question, however you have come to the right place for people who will listen to you and share their experiences with you. It sounds to me that you are still not certain as to your orientation, but if you have been with a boyfriend for ten years you must feel something, is that just friendship or do you have a sexual relationship with him. If you do, does it satisfy your needs, if not, then you need to ask yourself the question why does it not satisfy you? Take your time to explore, are there any local support groups or organisations in your area that give support to LGBT people? If so seek them out. You may take many years before you are comfortable to be able to come out so try and build an active social life and find friends that you can share things with. I wish you luck in this.
