Hi everyone! So I've been lurking around for sometime now and I think I finally have to courage to post. I have been struggling with myself for sometime now and I can't take it any longer. I have had depression issues since I started high school, and I just now think I understand why. My depression would pop up every few months in really intense bursts and then go away. I recently had a really bad episode, and I decided I needed to figure out what triggered it. I finally came to the realization that I become very depressed when I think about relationships. This has made me start to realize how much denial I'm in. I didn't think I was gay to the point that I make excuses for everything. Anyways, I just need to talk to someone, but I'm too scared to tell anyone that I know. I really just need to get this off my chest, and I could really use some advice. I'm not really sure what I hope to accomplish with this, but here it goes. Let me start by telling you a little about myself. I am currently a 19 year old college freshman. I think I first realized that I might be gay when I was in middle school. I would find myself staring at the boys that I thought were hot and not understanding why. Everything I knew told me that I should like girls, but I was never really interested in them. I have lived my life in complete denial that there was even the slightest possibility I was gay. For my entire life I have been more attracted to men than women. Whenever someone asked me who I thought was hot I would just name a girl that other boys liked. During high school I got really close to a girl. We became best friends, but I felt like I wanted more. We never ended up dating, but we are still great friends to this day. The problem is that I'm not sure I ever really wanted to date her, or if I just wanted to be normal. I was attracted to her, but I not sure I didn't just convince myself I was. During high school I got even more attracted to guys, and in college it is getting harder to hide. I can name a long list of guys I thought were hot, but I can only name a few girls. Coming back to present time, I still feel the same way, but my emotions are overloaded. the reason that I think I'm probably gay is because I find myself checking guys out all the time. When it comes to my sexual life, I have never been with anyone of either sex. When I watch porn I tend to start off watching straight porn and switching to gay porn. I try to watch the straight porn, but I find myself once again checking out the guy, and before you know it I'm watching guys. When I listen to myself I know I sound ridiculous. Everything points to me being gay, but I don't know how to accept it. My whole life I have always had the goal of living the perfect life. I cannot tell you how much I want to have "the two story house with the white fence and two kids." I want to get married and have kids more than anything else, and when I think about my future, I see myself married with kids of my own, not gay. My question is how do I come to terms with the fact that I am gay. Should I admit that I'm gay, or should I consider myself bisexual. Should I just not say anything and try to live my life as a straight person. I really just have no idea what to do. Sorry for kinda rambling/venting, but I just really needed to get it out. I really don't know what to do and any advice you have for me would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again.
Been there, Done that, Worn the Tshirt, imagine getting Married & having kids & then a number of years down the Line, reaching a point when you know that you are definitely Gay & having to tell your wife & children! What you describe about yourself checking out other guys & the porn thing, sounds just like me, I have only recently Came Out to myself, you have the chance to do it before you complicate your life by living a life in the Closet!
Do you have a lgbt or PFLAG group on campus? They'll be able to provide help/resources to help you with this problem that affects lots of other people in the same boat as you. Sometimes, I feel myself doing the same thing as you regarding the porn. I can't really give you advice on countering this because I haven't figured it out myself. You talked about the perfect family, but I don't see how being gay doesn't work with it. You can still have a spouse and kids. The complaint that your kids won't be "your own" shouldn't matter unless for some reason you believe some kids have better genetics than others. Maybe what you want is "to be like everyone else." I'm not going to say that's a problem for you now, but at some point you might notice that you should live and love for yourself, not for society. If you're uncomfortable with the terms "gay" or "bisexual," then don't use them. Ask out people who you think you could get into a relationship with and see if things become any clearer. I worry that by labeling yourself early on, you might be lying to yourself. There's nothing wrong with being unsure about sexuality when you have little experience with it.
First off, it's okay to be confused. Secondly, you seem to be coming to terms with your sexuality rather well, which is great! I would advise against calling yourself bisexual unless you truly feel the same way about women as you do about men. Like you said, you're not 100% sure right now, and the great thing about discovering yourself is that you don't have to be. You have plenty of time. And I would totally, absolutely, definitely not pretend to be straight if you're not. It will cause you (and any potential girlfriend, if it turns out you're only into guys) a lot of grief. This community is a wonderful place to learn acceptance. Spend some time here talking to people and you'll learn that you can still have a normal, fulfilling life. Nowadays, being a LGBT doesn't preclude getting getting married or starting a family. Good luck on your journey. Take it easy, try not to stress, remember we're all going through it together.
The whole 'accepting' thing seems alien to me, personally. I suppose my state of mind was just "I want man, so I get man". In other words; I think my sub-conscience 'wanting' kind of over powered any negative thoughts about it. I was one horny child. Well, I'll be honest. I still am.
In some ways, I'm jealous. But I'm interested in hearing what "negative thoughts" popped up way back when. Those might help the OP better evaluate the importance of what he wants vs the importance of what he'll lose.
