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up till now? what is going on

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by johnjorgell, Mar 22, 2013.

  1. johnjorgell

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    Hi guys, so for the past 14 months I've been consistently questioning myself. Growing up I've had crushes on many girls, not one day crushes but month long knes and I still remember all their faces, never did I have a crush on a guy, only once I kept watching sac Efron movies but I wanted to look like him id try the clothes the hairstyles everything. I don't even believe it was a crush. Sexually since 11 I've been watching porn. A lot of it every genre, gay porn I didn't watch that much, I always wanted to have sex with a girl. After .y first sexual experience with a girl I felt good but I was also doing regular sexual stuff with a male cousin during it id always ask about his sister naked and id feel like shit after, id smell any female in the families underwear or fantasise about them or try catch them naked, I started wondering how oral sex would be with a guy and at 16 I tried it and I felt suicidal. Maybe deep denial. For my cousin it was always more like he'd want to touch me everywhere or hug but for me it was just mastrubation. After a few times i hated myself and wanted to get into the real world with girls because of my deep romantic attractions but for the past 8 months im so confused that i may be in very deep denial. I don't want to do that stuff again but i keep seeing flashes in my head and start questioning. What do you guys think i am? But if im gay why the romance with girls
     
  2. Ianthe

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    How old is your cousin, compared to you? Is he older?
     
  3. johnjorgell

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    No about the same age but im so scared that I will lose control and do it again that I've stopped speaking to him since it happened a few times which is 16 months ago he's tried to lure me back in but im keeping away I might enjoy being submissive nut I think its wrong and disgusting. But then why did I do it
     
  4. johnjorgell

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