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How do I know if I'm really gay?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Musician, Mar 23, 2013.

  1. Musician

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    After a lifetime of whacking off to women, now I'm discovering how freeing my gay fantasies feel. But I look at guys and don't even feel aroused. How do I actually know if I'm gay? Also, I'd love to find it to be some way to save my relationship, though I really don't think so anymore.

    Problem is, I don't feel that animal instinct with women that I always expected but I thought I had in my fantasies, but I feel it for men in my fantasies, now that I go there, especially during sex with my girlfriend. Saddens me.
     
    #1 Musician, Mar 23, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2013
  2. cm81990

    cm81990 Guest

    Have you ever felt attracted to a guy in public or real life?
     
  3. Musician

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    Not really sexually, but I was kinda dumb about this. What I thought was a platonic love around a guy, I could now see was a sexual attraction, though I didn't get aroused. I think I just ignored the signs, like warmth in my stomach, whatever. I would always tell myself it was just my insecurity with women, and insecurity around men. Now, I somehow feel more liberated and free.

    Here's the interesting thing. I still don't think I'm fully gay. Maybe somewhere between bi and gay. What hurt the most during sex with my girlfriend or any of my relationships with women was the thought that I "wasn't good enough". But it wasn't that. I just had these grandiose expectations of physical/animal arousal with them that I couldn't have because my body apparently doesn't work that way. But I used whatever arousal I had and tried to stretch it out. Funny, since I came out, my crazy porn abuse stopped (mostly straight, btw, still haven't let myself really explore the gay thing), and so have the sick genres of porn I was watching. I feel more normal in a way.
     
  4. Naomilly92

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    It's just whatever feels natural for you. If fantasising about men seems normal, however, fantasising about women doesn't, you're probably leaning towards homosexual. Finding out what works for you might take a while
     
  5. This must be really difficult for you. I am kind of in the same boat, I like guys, but I like girls as well, I think I'm leaning more sexually to women. I'm also married so I understand your distress in losing your gf. I personally think that when you are comfortable, you should experiment with your sexuality. If you meet a guy you want to have sex with then go for it and see where it takes you. Who knows and I'm not trying to reassure you, but maybe you will act on these fantasies and relaize that they are not what you thought and return back to women or maybe you will become more fulfilled and stick to men, who knows. Whatever you do, in the end it will be ok - if it's not ok, then it's not the end. Good luck!
     
  6. cm81990

    cm81990 Guest

    If you experiment with another guy, make sure it is clear that it is only a hookup or experiment. Don't try to date one and lead one on if you're not 100% sure of your sexuality. That could really hurt someone if they felt emotionally attracted to you. No strings attached or friends with benefits would be more ideal in your situation.
     
  7. Musician

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    Sounds good. I will say one thing to this. Noticing other people's interactions with others, I see how much homophobia has been at play for me my whole life. That I would touch girls like my parents touched each other, and it was nice, but I made it up to be so much more in my head. And now I see that the warm mushy feelings I've always had for guys, but hasn't been sexual before are really attraction. But I was so confused in my head that I thought I was just an insecure person. I always called myself "gay" because of it, but in a homophobic sense. Who knows that would have been my reality? Holy shit.

    I'm also really jealous of how my dad stroked my girlfriend's back today. Like the way I would probably stroke a guy's. With such affection. My dad told me once that if he was in my shoes 35 years ago and he met my girlfriend, he would have picked her immediately, maybe even over my mom (with whom he's still with, but has a loving, apparently faithful relationship with). Seeing him do that and remembering him saying that breaks my heart. Also, being at my parents' place tonight brings back all these feelings and memories of what I completely misunderstood as being attraction.

    Also, I goosed a male fantasy today, and it felt right. I can't fucking believe it. 27 years! How repressed could I have been? I just want it all to be different. This is hell on earth. I'm so scared of the future. I just wanted to be like my dad, and have a wife and a loving relationship. I'm still heartbroken about this.