I met this very attractive guy about a month ago who used to have my job position at the place I worked. He was visiting for the day and I basically shook his hand and briefly talked to him about my job. I do work with a decent amount of gay/lesbian employees, but I'm not out and my mannerisms, appearance, and tone of voice is stereotypically masculine. Pretty much all of them perceive me as straight. This guy definitely dresses and looks like your average guy, but seemed to have a slight androgynous tone to his voice or the way he would phrase things. Similarly with his mannerisms. Not entirely androgynous, but just not overly masculine or overly feminine. I would later find out he is in a gay organization and told me where he worked. Again, he doesn't know I'm into guys but did invite me to stop by. Seemed more like a friendly gesture as opposed to "wanting" me. Over a week ago I stopped by and did talk to him and his friends for a little bit. I really wanted to get his number but I just couldn't do it. I felt like I am this boring, straight, clean cut guy who is the exact opposite of him. He has more facial hair, more bubbly personality, etc. It's weird though because I find myself sexually attracted to mostly muscular very masculine guys. He's fit, but not quite that masculine in mannerisms and tone of voice. He seems to have a softer side which is probably why I fell for him. I think I'm more emotionally attracted to less masculine but not quite feminine guys in terms of possible relationships. They have to "look" masculine, but their personalities can be less macho. I plan on going back and asking him to go out. It's just hard because I feel he has me boxed off as straight and untouchable. Or perhaps nothing really interested... It really is bugging me.
You see him as this image of gay openness and acceptance, a special person in some ways, while he sees you as a guy who inherited his position. To you, he's a well of wisdom in what to do, how to deal with yourself and everything that's troubling you at the moment. Or have I completely missed it? Well, if not, see if you can tell him so. If he's working for a gay organization, he might be willing to help you. Your story makes me think of a attraction/admiration discussion we had this week.. again, if I'm completely wrong about this, I apologize. In any case, he's been open and friendly and you are closeted and you like him. He seems to be a safe person to talk to and you say you are in a gay-friendly environment anyway. So, talking to him openly might be the best way to go. So, yes, go back and ask him for some time alone.
I'd say your answer might depend on how you feel about being closeted, in a sense, and his decision might, as well. How do you feel about coming out? Does the thought make you ill, so to speak? Or are you just uncertain about how to do it? Are you worried that your family and/or friends might react poorly? If so, do you think your fears are warranted/justified? If you do think you'll come out eventually, it wouldn't hurt to ask him out, I'd think. If you don't think you'll come out, it's possible that he might see that as a problem down the line. (Hypothetical example: you two date, he wants you to meet his parents, and vice versa. Hypothetically, you say no. Hypothetically, he gets upset or annoyed, and breaks up with you.) Take my 'dating' advice with a cup of water. Before you drink that cup, swirl a couple teaspoons of salt in there. My track record is not the best. As a last note, if I understand this right, he'd be the first person (or, well, the first relevant person) that you'll have come out to. It sounds like you're prepared to do that. In that light, coming out to a few others, like at that place thing that he works at, may not be so difficult. Again, this depends on if you feel you're ready to come out and let those people know that you're gay. Or maybe you feel you're as ready as you'll ever be? Don't be rash without thinking things through, unless you think things'll be fine.
You are right, he would be a safe person to come out to. I don't want to appear insecure or so deeply hidden in the closet though. I haven't felt these intense "crush" feelings for someone in a long time. Actually a very long time. There are definitely three issues here: 1. Making the big step of coming out. It is an even bigger step because this is someone you "like" as opposed to a one of your friends. 2. Like any situation where one person likes another (gay or straight), you face the fear of rejection or them not feeling the same about you. 3. Even if he does "like" me, he probably has me written off as untouchable and wouldn't make any attempts of flirting. I just fly under the radar.
I wouldn't jump to conclusions so quickly. Have you ever been in a relationship? Whether you have or haven't, it wouldn't hurt to remember that all relationships are different. If you have been in a relationship before, as a reminder, being genuine and upfront about your feelings goes a long way in clearing the air, and any misconceptions. He may not have written you off as a candidate, so to speak. As for whether he'll reciprocate, though, that problem's present for anyone who asks anyone out. It's an inherent risk. The question is whether or not you think the risk is worth taking, and that's for you to decide. =)
I have been in two very short term ones (less than 6 months), but they were both straight relationships. In both cases, there were obvious interests from both parties. Even though physically it didn't interest me, emotionally it was fine. It was much easier to approach and flirt. Now that I've accepted my sexuality internally, it is a bit of a challenge to transition to dating guys while still closeted. Even if I come out completely, there are still several challenges on top of the risk of someone not reciprocating. The risk is something I have to weigh in. They do say opposites attract. Pretty cliche. We are both opposites. Spending more time though could possibly open something up. Maybe I'm in this mindset that in order for things to work, you must have felt that "spark" the moment you first met. The chemistry must be there from the beginning. I feel like that's been drilled into my head. Maybe that's ridiculous. Sometimes things can develop over time. Opinions?
There definitely doesn't need to be a spark from the beginning. Interest deepens with time, so in a way, the beginning is just to set a foundation. The beginning doesn't have to be like a shotgun wedding, or like in the fairy tales where sweet blonde virgin maiden Cinderella meets perfect, rich, perfect, handsome, perfect Prince Charming. The beginning can just be... you know, like intrigue between you two, curiosity with a hint of things to come.
That is true. Too much social conditioning believing in this nonsense that it all has to happen the moment you meet. I will admit I was drawn to him the moment I met him. I took a step back in my head and told myself to wait it out and make sure. Try to get to know him. Don't become drawn too fast. Take it easy and slow.
I will like to say that I have approached this guy, but not quite in a way indicating that we should go out on a date. I have not told him I am into guys, but I did not make any mention of girls. I could be causing some confusion here. I did express interest in hanging out or going out to bars. It's more of a step by step process, but I feel eventually I'll crack. Either telling him through text or in person (preferably in person) that I'm into guys. Why is this process so slow? I struggle with 2 issues. The first is admitting your sexuality and the second is coming on two strong. Ehh what to do? I don't want to be annoying.
If you're worried about coming on too strongly, passive actions, behaviour, and words can help with the sense of being less overbearing. If your interest is romantically inclined, which it definitely sounds like it is, you might want to let him know sooner or later. I know it's hard, but... I'll let you know something. I met this guy, who was a friend of a friend of a friend. He was openly gay. I was openly gay to the people that mattered in my life, who I knew wouldn't treat me poorly because of it. In that sense, it's a bit different because you're not out, but still. We were sort of paired together by our friends because we both were interested in dating. I ended up being the one to ask him out. I'd always thought someone would be the one to ask me out, but things don't work out the way you think they will all the time. What followed was 3 months of a decently good time. We were teenagers (well, we still are :lol, so we couldn't really expect much. I get the sense that you're not a teenager, and that he isn't, either. You both don't have that problem of not knowing what you want, at least not on the level of two teenagers, because you likely have more life experience and all. Hopefully this story, though it almost was like a non sequitur, helps you make a decision. It's your call, but people here will support you no matter what =)
Yeah and he said to hit him up. I did later on in the day and didn't get much of anything out of it. There is that desperation to say "hey, I'm exactly like you." He may be thinking I'm that nice, friendly straight guy who is cool to talk to and hang out with... But definitely not higher priority. I also overanalyze texting behavior. Short responses are hard to judge.
If I may weigh-in on a very interesting discussion, the fact of the matter is that while you remain closeted, your interactions with him will be awkward, it's inevitable, and worse, he will probably get some strange vibes from you, which may be the opposite of the outcome you would like (A self-fulfilling prophecy? Or a confirmation of your worst fears?) It is OK to be uncomfortable while coming out, but to him, this should be easier! In addition, he will most likely admire you for your courage, which is as good as it gets for instant likeability! There is no harm in showing your vulnerability, he will recognize it in himself when he had to deal with this too (another thing you will have in common with him!). In coming out, I often find that it is a kind of out-of-body experience, I kind of forgetting that I'm there and someone else is activating the vocal cords and moving the lips to say those words. Focus on him instead when you're saying it. Tell him that you date guys too and you were wondering if he would like to go out sometime...then keep an open mind and listen carefully to what he he has to say.
It's kind of hard to get a hold of him in person other than the days I know when I'll see him (like once per week). We didn't have concrete plans of hanging out yesterday, but more of "maybe I'll see you at X place." Turns out both of us didn't go to X place. I know he is busy and I don't want to keep bugging him. Maybe I shouldn't contact him today... But at the same time I want to tell the truth, at least that I'm into guys. I'd prefer to say it in person, but is texting it acceptable?
