I'm a little surprised. I'm pretty sure I'm gay, but unlike many of the gay people on this forum, I was always aroused and in love with gay and lesbian porn. Now, when I'm more at peace, in the past few days, I'm not even aroused by the thoughts/sights of women, only by men. Has that happened to anyone? In a little way, I'm hoping to be bi and have my relationship physically, but I don't know if it will happen. But I am interested in the history of other people in denial, and to see if it's an experience I can relate to.
It really depends on the environment; your relationship with other people, their/your expectations, their/your belief, etc etc. Don't pressure yourself. I, too, don't know if I'm bi, but "hoping" to be, maybe because of my sister she expects me one day to have a boyfriend or something, or maybe because of my family, i really don't know. But I'm not rushing. In the end of the day, it's all about me and my happiness, and of course self-acceptance. We really don't need to label ourselves. If you're in denial, why? whom are you denying to? think about it. ^^
I think when I was in denial, I was definitely denying it to myself. Like, I acted straight, had straight fantasies, crushes, so I couldn't be gay. And now I see how much in my head it was. Though what's weird is today I had a glimmer of my former straight life, as I began to feed my gay fantasies. Who knows. It's either me getting my hopes up, or I just got a big fucking dose of bisexuality/gayness since coming out. Don't know anymore.
Yes, denial can be so strong that some do not know that they are in fact gay, and they are not putting up any front when they are dating or marrying an opposite sex partner. Then when they fall in love with a same sex friend, or simply fall in lust with a same sex coworker, the confusion is very strong. Right wing and religious society has made people force themselves into the closet, and deny who they are. But I think that the biggest reason we are seeing a change in attitudes is because of communication technologies. The speed at which information travels now is amazing. There was no Empty Closets when I was 20 years old. This forum is a place where one can go to if they think they might be gay. They can ask a few questions, and get some answers and opinions, and go and think about it and come back later, or move on and never come back. All this with no one in their personal life knowing that they talked to someone, or some people. This type of communication gets people thinking. iPhones, internet, iPads, instant messages, and text, and all these things are making information accessible and rather instant. This instant information of course has some drawbacks, but it has made gay men and women organized politically and is showing how different all of our are, yet share something in common. Or a guy can think that maybe I am gay, and go on the internet and look up "shirtless man model hot young sexy" to see pictures, millions of pictures, or video, and look at it and reach conclusions in the privacy of their own den or basement. This information was not so accessible even ten years ago. Anyway, back to denial, denial is not healthy. And it would be easier if we could just not be gay, and go about our business. The damage it can cause to ourselves and others is just not worth it. I think if one just cannot come out to family and friends because they know that they will be rejected and ridiculed, then the best course of action is to take a job in another city way far away from their home town. And set up a life elsewhere. Move far away, and find truth in another city with new accepting friendships. It can be done, as I did it.
