Hi everyone I'm fairly new to this site so any guidance or advice would be much appreciated. I've been telling myself I'm Bi but recently I've realized I'm more in denial about being gay. EBut I'm still so confused. I've always known I wasn't straight but had held on to the idea of living a straight life due to my programming and fearing being judged. I have always lived my life to please others and due to having a low self esteem I've always been one to live my life to please others and be what they expect me to be. I've only ever had one girlflriend and that was only for a month or so in high school and since then I've only been with 2 group iarls and they were one night stands. Ever since I was a teen I knew I was attracted to guys and fantacized about them alot. Over the years there are quite a few girls I thought I had liked bit never took it any further. The more I think of it the m ore I think that I wasn't actually attracted to them but more so to the idea of them. I actually came out to family 3 years ago and although they seemed ok they said small things that made me anxious therefore I took it back saying I was just confused. I am now 27 and only start experimenting with guys a year ago and to be honest I absolutely love it. I love both the physical and emotional side of being with a guy and a couple of months ago I actually fell pretty hard for a guy and I was even going to come out. Unfortunately he did not feel the same way and just wanted to stay mates. I went through a bit of a depressed state as I really liked this guy. I have picked myself back up but now I still question if I am gay or bi as I naturally look at guys but u also look at hot girls but not sure if I'm attracted or admiring them. I don't know. I'm pretty sure I'm gay but I think I'm over thinking it too much my mind is ticking over time and its really exhausting me. And it's small things that people around me say like have u got a girlfriend yet or you need a wife or when are u going to get married that make me question what I really want. If anyone has any advice or feedback I would be more than happy to hear from you or have a chat
You seem clear enough about being gay (or maybe bi) and you may be right about overthinking some things. Perceiving some women as attractive is not incompatible with being gay. You can probably find a place for those thoughts. Dealing with the family requires more thinking. The problem is making yourself into what other people want. Being not-straight means dealing with those pressures - they're not going to disappear completely in the near future even though things are getting better. People around you will continue to want you married or whatever. Some truly care about your happiness, and some care about being "normal". Sometimes it's both. Hopefully they will come to accept that being married to a man (for example) may be what makes you happy. Pleasing people is fine if you don't hurt yourself in the process. While I believe my mother cares about my happiness, her need for everything to be "normal" seems like a much stronger force. I don't like hiding who I truly am in order to make her comfortable, but I'm doing it. However, I did not let her desires change my choice of partner, the way I live, or the way I have sex.
