In the past few months, I've come to acceptance that I like my female best friend (I'm also a girl). I've been straight my entire life, so it was hard to accept but I am finally at peace with it. About a month ago I started to tell some of my other friends who are lesbians. I've told about 5 people in all. They are all mutual friends and they encouraged me to tell my friend. They all believe she feels the same way, and said I would regret it if I didn't tell her. It got to the point where I had to tell her. Backstory on our relationship in a nutshell: We are emotionally dating. We tell each other everything, text every morning from before work till we fall asleep at night.She also has a boyfriend of 7 years (but has been contemplating breaking up with for a while cause he cheated on her) and she tells me important details of her life before she tells him. We often spend several hours on the phone a week, and see each other almost every day. She also spends most weekends at my house (We live 30 minutes from each other but she works near me). We've also made out at least a dozen times while we are drunk--sometimes it happens while lying in bed together. We cuddle, hold hands, and are extremely affectionate while we are drunk-- so affectionate that random people have asked if we are dating. We really aren't too affectionate when we are sober, but the flirting, teasing, and constant joking is still there. This past weekend: I was a little mean to her while we were drinking, but she was okay with everything. A few days went on and things were normal. I decided to tell her how I felt. I said that I needed to tell her because I think that sometimes I may be a little mean because I'm frustrated with not being able to tell her. She told me that needs a break and that's not how a friend treats someone. Most of her text message focused on my actions and not what I told her. I brought up what I told her and she said she didn't want to hurt my feelings but she didn't feel the same way and just needed some space. I recognize that she is dealing with a lot emotionally right now--being hurt by me and hearing my verbalize my feelings (even though she claimed to have known). Anyway, we haven't spoken in a week and i'm at peace with her having space. Although, I hope she talks to me sooner than later because she is such an important part of my life--even if it does have to be just as a friend. Anyway, I really feel like she feels the same way from her actions, but now I'm starting to wonder if maybe I was wrong and she is just homophobic but I can't tell? On several occasions, she has brought up being straight to complete strangers. The two of us were at a bar together and a random man was insinuating that we were dating (didn't say anything though) and she blurted "im not a lesbain." He told her he never said she was. Once she remarked how all her fingers were broken and said "good thing i'm not a lesbian." IDK I just found that to be a completely weird thing to say. We also have a friend that was married to a man before and is now dating a girl. She has brought up this many times and just talked about how it's so weird but she just seems to dwell on it a lot. She gets really offended when anyone asks if we are dating. When people first started asking, she used to take it out on me and would usually act weird for a day or two after. We were on a trip with some of our friends together (half of them are gay/dating each other), and they were doing "couple pictures". Everyone did them, even the straight girls. They told us to do one, joking cause everyone either thinks we're dating or at least knows we are very close friends, and she refused to do it. Also, one of my mutual friends who knows the situation said she tries to make it seem like it's all me and that i'm following her around or over the top, but she can see that she's just doing it to deflect it from her... and that when I dance with other guys she gets jealous and rolls her eyes. IDK it's a very complicated situation. I am more worried about her being my friend again right now, but I keep thinking/hoping that she needs time to accept/see how she really feels about me. But I also don't want to continue thinking she feels this way if i'm way off base. I personally think she is in denial because she is older, 27, and has been straight her entire life. I understand it's a hard thing to come to realize because I've recently done it myself and i'm a little younger. Basically, I don't want to keep sitting here getting my hopes up on false behavior if i'm completely off base. I know I need to talk to her again about her actions after everything is normal again with us--at least to get closure. But I also don't want to rush her into something if she isn't comfortable with it. IDK from her actions I will need closure on why she does certain things and acts a certain way for me to not have feelings for her. But if I have this conversation with her, I may be rushing her into something she is not ready for and I don't want to do that.
