I know, everybody's different. But it bugs me that I thought I was straight all those years. That I wasn't checking out other guys. That I had enough hetero in me to pass off as straight. I now see that if I were to kiss another guy, it would be much more passionate than with a girl. Same with making love. It just gives me some hope I can be with my girlfriend, but I know it will never be because of the same-sex attractions. That they are stronger and more powerful than my hetero ones. I just wish I was more gay, so I wouldn't have to put up with this hope that I could be straight. I really don't like that hope that I have, because in spite of my attraction to women, I know that a relationship wouldn't be doable in my situation. :icon_sad:
The thing is - people who are "more gay" often wish they were "less gay", either because they get grief about it from people, or because "it seems all gay guys are only interested in straight-acting guys". Every hand dealt comes with advantages and disadvantages, it seems. I'm rather unstereotypical in many ways as well, but I found once I came out and just ran with it, things fell into place. Lex
It doesn't mean you are "less gay" if you are ready, willing, capable or whatever of maintaining a straight relationship. If you are a nice guy, loving and lovable, reliable, calm, open and empathetic, you can end up in a caring relationship with almost anyone. My friends told me once I'd be a great husband (to a girl) and a great father. To which I answered yeah, up until the point when I'd suffer a mental breakdown. The thing is, if my life went that way, I could have easily ended in a marriage with kids by now. I'm a conformist. Conformism usually means betraying yourself for the image others want to see in you. You could be straight in the sense of working on a hetero marriage, having hetero sex and so on. But it's not about what we can do, but what we want for ourselves. You say you find men more attractive, the thought of gay sex more attractive.. well, that's enough. Also, the straight life is something you are used to. It will take some time before these new feelings set, the true nature fully surfaces and old learned behaviour gets replaced.
These are great points. I think I just want to say how hard this is for me, seeing the world through hetero eyes, especially beside my girlfriend, thinking "damn, she's cute" or whatever, but knowing that it won't ever be that way. Letting go of that identity is really the hardest thing. So hard. Every moment you thought of something one way, you now know it's not the way it seemed
The funny thing is how little changed after I accepted my orientation and came out. It didn't come with a rainbow thong and a Cher CD. It just meant everyone knew I digged guys. Lex
Oh my, if I could pass as being "straight" I'd probably have a relationship by now. You are prime territory - I so want to be with a guy who isn't as "stereotypical" as I am. I guess it's all about perspective! Don't be ashamed - just be yourself!
The steriotype of "being gay" applies to a lot less people then you think. As I've gained more gay friends and encounter more gay people, few of them fit the bill of the typical gay man. Be you, it's the only thing you should be. Don't worry about being more gay.
I think it's just dealing with the false hope. When I'm not around girls, I fantasize about girls. How great it would be to be with a girlfriend. I get turned on by hot chicks and boobs. But I now see that in real life, I'm more into guys, because I'm not so into girls in real life, but definitely experience more attractions to guys. And hearing from my mom that when she sees how in love with my girlfriend I am, that we can make it work. If mixed-orientation marriages can work, so can mine. But I know it is a false hope and that we will not be happy that way. Instead, we have to maximize our relationship in the best way we can. Also, having the notion of family (hetero in my mind) being number one - like going to work for my (future) wife and future kids, doing the dishes for my (future) wife and future kids, etc., and now knowing it won't be true with my woman, or the women I always dreamed of. I just think the identity shift is the hardest. I just now see that my passion lies with men. Yes, I'll have all that with a man and it will be better. But these first few days are so devastating because every point of view about my world is changing, coming from a real hetero background. Every little detail shows me that things are totally not what I believed them to be, and that's so hard. Like the chick I see on TV, and telling my girlfriend how hot she was and what things I'd do to her, and now seeing that it was really all hope, instead of a true attraction. Letting go of that hope is so hard, and makes me cry, though I know it will get better. That's what's so difficult about all this.
I wrote this thread thinking of you (and lots of other people here). I'll just refer you to that, and re-emphasize what Lex has already said - neither my coming or nor his has come with "a rainbow t-shirt and Cher CD" I'm the same guy that I was yesterday, last year, or 2 years ago. I'm just now more open about the fact that I dig dudes.
I feel ripped off... Nah but I understand how you feel Musician. I'm Panromantic, which means I can be attracted to anybody romantically, and Demisexual, which means if I care about someone enough I will become sexually attracted to them. However, I just have this incredibly strong pull towards women. If I have a crush on anyone other than a girl it's very brief, but women set my heart aflutter. I feel like I have such a weird orientation, and I still hope I will fall for a man. However, I know even if I did, my incredibly and significantly stronger pull towards women wouldn't cease and I'd still have to deal with that. ~<3
I am looking into polyamory. I think it might be really interesting. Since I'm attracted to girls to some degree, maybe it will work. We can build on our beautiful friendship with my girlfriend, my girlfriend will be satisfied with TWO MEN, and so will I. Might be a lot of fun. And it might pay the rent better Maybe she'll be on board with this. Not yet. But we're living just for the moment now. Decisions will come as life unfolds.
I totally understand where you're coming from. I had a coffee date just today actually with a really cute girl. I am attracted to her, but I feel like I should be more sexually attracted, if you know what I mean. With certain guys, on the other hand, I feel more sexual attraction often but don't usually desire the relationship part. And I act completely straight, by the way. I'm quite happy acting as I do but it does make things more difficult, yeah.
