just found myself living in county like area for a few yrs im originally from a city enviroment. I have dressed since i was three its always been more than just a fetish to me. i shared with very few ppl and had some long hurtful relationships with women because honestly i wasnt open about who i really was. been working in a factory as a specialist and living on my own in the middle of nowhere a lil too long. a few months ago i realized i related to nobody out here and began isolating myself except for work. every morning ide have to change back to be joe and go about my day in the factory. the way i would say it i hate pretending to be someone im not. i spend my spare time slowly buying things and trying to look more and more passable then spend my free time like that to myself. when i have to be joe nothing is satisfying. support groups are far and i just kinda snapped this week. havent gone to work just tried to find a therapist to talk too cuz i really felt it would be easier to just die then to go through everything that lays ahead of me. im unsure what my next step is, idk what im doing, im just self destructing joe cuz i want to get out of here, go somewhere i can feel supported, i dont care about money anymore its not making me happy it needs to stop ruling my life. i still dont know what to do about this job im not fired yet and as a respectable person i shouldnt leave them hanging because im so confused about life. if i give them my two week notice i can use as a reference but once again i dont care. i have enough money to make a move, i cant stay here away from everyone i know if im not working thats senseless its home but its in the wrong place... i dont wanna b like i want to die or nothing i was in observation for hrs today and after all the times i said i wasnt a threat to myself it is still a lil voice in the back of my head like heres a quick escape, and that voice being there and my lack of decision just makes me want to cry so idk even what im asking in my post besides some advice
Hi there. Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. If I were you, I'd look up the nearest queer-friendly city and how to get there. Apparently you're not too short on money, so you can afford to travel a bit. I wouldn't count on making it a permanent place to live, in fact, it might be better to give yourself a few weeks of presenting as your preferred gender in a place you plan to leave. If anything goes wrong, you can move on again and try something different. If it turns out to be fantastic, you can choose to stay. If you feel able to give your notice and work for just two more weeks, I recommend doing that. You do want to live. Please believe me. Life is great. You want to live differently from how you're living now, and you can, because you're independent enough to look after yourself. You can live however you choose, wherever you choose. I'm sure others here will have advice or support for you. Take care of yourself.
im unsure what to say now but thanks for the response its been a weight on my shoulders my whole life. on a brighter side when i told my mom for the first time she laughed and said she already knew. im not rich or anything but i got enough money to re-locate and a car. i kinda been losing my mind trying to take the first steps. my local resources are limited and this very nice woman whos been helping me from crisis intervention is kinda my only support right now, there is no local lgbt meetings or groups. im surprised im not doubting more whether or not this is what i want to do(its who i am) if anything im anxious to get going sooner... even just the want to be around ppl i can relate too
I can completely relate to you. I just went back to work today after a week hiatus because I was so tired of dressing like a man to go to work, but too scared to go in as myself. I feel trapped here, this IS NOT home, I have never known where home is, but it isn't here. Furthermore, I too have felt like taking my life would be an easier, quicker way to find relief, but it's not really fixing anything. Life is worth living, the pain reminds us we are still alive. Think about the good times. For instance, today I found a shade of nail polish that I thought would be pretty cool. So, I got cleaned up after work, shaved my legs, gave myself a pedicure(as best one can on their own), and painted my toenails with the new shade. Once I finished and looked down I felt pretty, and happy to be alive, and to be able to be myself, even if only in private. Maybe go talk to HR about this. They are there to help, and I am sure they don't want to be slapped with a discrimination lawsuit, so there is probably something that can be done. (*hug*) Don't give up and don't lose face! Things will get better I promise!
ashley that is kinda how i was for such a long time.. i would underdress, like wear womens things under my male clothes, then dress up each night and enjoy simple things like some new make up or something, but it wasnt enough i feel im pretending or acting to be someone im not. in an extremely sexist workplace its not something i feel secure to be open about. i may more likely have a like verbal harassment lawsiut just from other employees if i did and i dont want to go put myself in negative situations when i feel vulnerable. thanks for the support
Hey, I'm tired of hiding, in fact every day that passes I feel more and more like the woman I am inside and less and less like the man I have lived as for 25 years. It's getting to the point where it's hard to put on male clothing. I can sympathize but as I'm going through that I have nothing really to say about it, other than I understand what you are going through. I can understand not wanting to "come out" at work. I'm also not in the most understanding of areas. It can be very scary, I know. Just know I'm pulling for you! (*hug*)
