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Can you be in love with a man but be a lesbian?!?!?!?!?!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Confusedforlife, Mar 26, 2013.

  1. Confusedforlife

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    So earlier today I told my boyfriend that I'm confused about my sexuality and that I wasn't sure if I still bi or straight on a lesbian. I told him a while ago that I was bi and he's fine with that. When I told him that I might be a lesbian he just said ok and seemed to be fine with it but then when I would say something about my sexuality he would just get really upset. In the end we got into a huge argument and he was just like you can't be in love with a man and be a lesbian. I'm really confused because I'm into girl on girl hentai and yaoi and straight porn grosses me out. I thought he would try to help me out with it but it seems like I was wrong. I feel like he's disgusted by me now. He doesn't even want to talk to me. I love him so much and I thought if I told him about it he would understand but I guess not. Only a few people know that I'm bi because I'm scared of being judged and I'm scared about what my parents will think. They really don't like gay people and would disown me if they found out. I really just need help figuring things out because I know for sure that I'm more into girls. :tears:
     
  2. Farouche

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    Umm... I'm tempted to say, ditch him for being intolerant and unsupportive, before he can ditch you for being queer. But that doesn't sound very nice, so you can ignore me if you want.

    Many people find that their sexual orientation changes, especially during their teens. If you feel like you were bi and now you're lesbian, that's possible, normal and okay.
     
  3. Exoskeleton

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    I think his reaction is understandable. Telling him that you think you're a lesbian probably sounds like you're telling him that you don't love him or want him anymore. I think it's perfectly understandable for him to react how he has. Hard to take, but understandable.

    You say that you love your boyfriend. Do you desire him sexually, or find him visually appealing? If so, then I personally wouldn't call you a lesbian, but bisexual with lesbian leanings. But it's up to you. Give it time and sort through your feelings. Telling your boyfriend about your confusion is a lot for him to handle, so give him time, too. He may come around to being supportive.

    But no matter what, remember you are loved.
     
  4. Chloe

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    From this thread and a post you made in another thread, it seems that you're using porn/hentai/yaoi to help label yourself. Don't focus on that. Many dedicated straight women find straight porn gross. I like having sex with women and I don't like seeing pictures or videos of it.

    You can fit in the "straight" category and still have some attraction to women. Appreciating human beauty and sexiness is not limited by the sex of the partner you want or have, or what sex you are. As for whether or not you are bi or a lesbian, I can't tell much from what you've said, but I think you'll need more time and experience (not necessarily sexual) to figure it out. It's more about how you connect with someone in all ways, not just sexual attraction.

    I hope your boyfriend can be supportive. (*hug*)
     
  5. cm81990

    cm81990 Guest

    I think many of the posts here brought up good points. Porn can sometimes be an indicator of sexual orientation but it is not a good one. For example, I am gay and have in the past and sometimes now find lesbian porn arousing. I have NO sexual feelings for real life women nor do I desire sex with them. But the "sex acts" in lesbian porn is somewhat exotic (e.g. scissoring). Don't care for the bodies or anything.

    Before you jump ahead of yourself and label yourself lesbian, think about the meaning behind the word. It is a huge declaration. Basically you are saying, you ONLY desire women. Like others have said, try to focus on your sexual feelings for REAL LIFE people. Think about the people you find yourself attracted to in real life. Is it only girls? Is it only guys? Is it both? It's okay to tell your bf you are figuring things out, but please be cautious with bringing up the big L-word. He most likely feels he can never satisfy your needs and that you are using him.
     
  6. LD579

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    I would say that the first part of this post isn't a view I would suggest taking. The second half, though, is right, in a way. Sexuality doesn't exactly change, according to most, though. Likely your eyes have just been recently opened and widened, so to speak, about your attraction to the genders, or lack thereof, etc.

    To the OP: You say you love your boyfriend. You also say you like girls, it seems. It definitely is possible for both to be true. Perhaps your boyfriend is a rare exception. Perhaps you mainly like girls, but like some guys, too. It's hard to say.

    Again, as others have said, porn and such is not a necessarily accurate indicator of sexuality. Many times, porn objectifies women (straight porn, at least). It's possible you're averse to it because of that.

    I would say you should try to understand where he's coming from. He understood that you were bi when you told him. When you told him you were maybe a lesbian, he was likely worried you may cut things off with him.

    I suggest talking to him, and being fully honest. Tell him you're not sure whether or not you're bisexual or a lesbian or not. Also tell him that you love him, still, and if you're sexually / physically attracted to him, tell him that as well.

    Strictly speaking, he's kind of right. A lesbian in love with a man is definitely not common-place.

    As a final piece of advice, I'd advise you to not get caught up in labels. They're convenient many times, but this may not be one of those times. You may want to go along those lines when talking to your boyfriend. I hope things turn out nicely for you.
     
  7. Ettina

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    Also, a lot of people say it's possible to have your sexual and romantic orientation not line up. So you could be romantically attracted to men or to both, but sexually attracted to women.

    I have no idea if that's the case. I can't really wrap my mind around the very concept of romantic orientation in the first place. But it's something to think about at least.
     
  8. FruitFly

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    It's perfectly possible to develop strong emotional attachments to an individual outside of your sexual orientation, on the flipside it is also possible to find various sexual imagery arousing outside of your sexual orientation. I'm tempted to say it depends on how rigid your attractions and orientation is, but that has no foundations in anything remotely sound.

    Your boyfriend is upset, you're upset, and I think you both need time to sit and think about what you've said and what you're going through. While it is very easy to concentrate on the fact we want support through this time from the ones we love, it is also easy to forget that it's a huge deal for them too. Especially when that loved one is your boyfriend who is trying to grasp the fact his girlfriend thinks she may be a lesbian. In an ideal world everything would be supportive and loving, but we deal with humans who have human feelings.

    Give him time to calm down, try to talk things through a little later when things have calmed down. If he still wants nothing to do with you, then you have your answer as to whether he can be part of your support network whilst you're working through your feelings and attractions.
     
  9. chrisyboy

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    Being a lesbian (gay) means you fall in love with the same sex. And not opposite sex.
     
  10. FruitFly

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    Ah. I'd debate that, depending on how one is defining love. If we define it as deep emotional attachments then sexual orientation does not interfere with those attachments building with someone of a sex that does not match your orientation.